I will answer these as honestly as I can, this whole effort was to reduce the amount of suffering that I feel so there is no wish on my part to fool anyone, it would only be detrimental to me.
No, there isn't wasn't and never will be, there can't even be death because I was never born. I is just a thought, like any other thought that does not exist in reality.1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
its feels like there was always been an illusion of self since I can remember, you see your body, you think your thoughts, you are called a name and most commonly for me I felt it when I was hurt, insulted or something happened that felt unjustified. My mind and thoughts come in to say that shouldn't have happened to me, or that person attacked me. That created the thoughts of division of a separate self. Until recently I identified with my thoughts, I thought my thoughts were 'me'. I didn't have any other perspective on my thoughts, that thoughts can arise spontaneously, that you are not the author, that you cannot choose what thoughts to have. Ultimately I think the illusion of self is the long term build up of self-reinforcing thoughts, coupled with compartmentalising and labelling of vision to say these different parts of vision are separate entities so when you see you own body you label it as you body.Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It doesn't feel dramatic, but I truly believed that the self was an illusion and was more than happy to accept that so I don't feel particularly surprised or taken aback. Some of the feeling I have now are that it feels a bit ridiculous that I couldn't see the idea of self as just a thought like any other thought. I could think of a unicorn, or I could think of the self, they are both thoughts and have equal value and are equally not based in reality. I had just never looked at what actually a thought was and where it come from before. I feel a lot more peaceful and less attached to things, because as there is no self, there is no 'me' to be offended, to feel unwanted, to feel like things have to be this way or that way. It seems to pointless to let your thoughts go in that direction as there is no self.3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I initially found things quite confusing but I feel things gradually added up. I had thought I could feel the body as a separate entity but when I looked I was surprised how little of the body you can experience and how you cannot feel any separation between my body and an object next to my body. I I had also thought I could control my thoughts and bodily actions, but when I looked it was clear that these things were not under 'my' control. Gradually being about to see that all thoughts are equal and equally not based in reality was also something that made me realise thoughts of 'I' were fictional.4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I don't make a decision, the decision happens, then a thought arises to make me think that I made a decision. I can quite easily eat a bar or 2 of chocolate in one go, but if I made a conscious decision I would not have done that.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I'm not really sure about intention.
I think free will, choice and control are all the same as decision, these things just happen, the same as breathing. Thoughts can arise after to say that you are in control of something or have free will or choose between one thing or another. But the choices and decisions are made and then you can have a thought to say you did that. For example, one day I was driving and I thought touch the window, I kept thinking touch the window but it never happened. It only happened when it wanted to. Similarly when I was driving there are lots of tiny adjustments to the steering wheel to turn corners or just drive, I don't think about each one of those and decide to turn a corner, it just happens. If my nose is itchy I don't think I need to scratch my nose, it just gets scratched without me choosing to do so.
Its clear to me there is no self, but there is lots to explore and keep looking. This seems just a continuation of the journey. If you feel I'm not there yet lets carry on with exercises until I see this more clearly.6) Anything to add?
Thanks, for you all you help.
Alan
