Yes! Ok, here we go. :)
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No, there is not. ‘I’ is nothing but a thought, built upon other thoughts. It’s all thought, nothing real.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
It’s the idea that there’s ‘someone’ inside my body, inside my head, that is making decisions, is feeling pain and is actually living this life. I guess it started when I was a kid, and grew more strong from there. And now that I’m getting used to this feeling, I kind of feel that this idea gained traction around my 16th. Before that time I felt much more ‘in love’ with life, lived more in the flow and was very good at being mindful and experiencing life as it comes. From that age onwards the ‘I’ started to worry about stuff, about money and success, and it went deeper and deeper.
From how I see it, this whole realization is like returning to my childhood. Seeing more clearly, experiencing more fully. Shedding all this weight I was carrying around. All these useless concepts and ideas.
And I always felt something was wrong. Because when people compliment me on my work, I never really understand at what the compliment is directed. It’s not that I think less of my work - I think it’s good work and it deserves compliments. But I never felt like ‘I’ created it. It feels more as a flowing, an unfolding. And now I see that it’s silly to just try harder to ‘own’ the compliments - because this feeling that I had is exactly the truth.
There is no ‘I’ creating anything. It just happens as it happens. And sometimes I’m surprised by it myself - and I love that.
The illusion of I is a contraction, an effort to protect life. But in doing that, it’s seeping a lot of ‘life’ out of it. Everything feels more heavy, more complicated, more serious. While in reality there is nothing to be serious about. This seriousness is just another thought, another believe. There’s just being - and it’s hilarious how complicated I used to make it.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
I would say it feels very subtle. I guess I kind of expected there to be more of a breakthrough, but there’s none. Well, there is, but it’s all so subtle.
So now I really understand this whole ‘Gateless gate’ analogy, it makes total sense. Nothing happend, nothing needed to change, it is only looking and then it’s finished. And also I can relate to the Santa Clause metaphor - like when you realize he’s not real, you just KNOW. That’s it. You can’t start believing in Santa Clause again.
But what I mostly experience is a slow shifting towards integrating these new insights. I notice a certain spaciousness. I feel less stressed about stuff in daily life. I do experience other ‘stress’ in a way - because of this integrating. It’s like this process started something that I’ll have to work trough the coming weeks. Sleep sometimes is a bit weird, because my brain is trying to make sense of my new reality.
And during the day, I mostly feel more awareness and appreciation for life. A feeling of ‘awe’ when I’m walking outside. The city, nature, it’s all so interesting and beautiful. Also I feel more acceptance and surrender to ‘what is’. Since I know there is no other way for it to be.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
So during the conversation I was working trough the idea of ‘continuity’ and memories. And this statement really moved something in me:
There is no previous action. There is only now. All thoughts about a past is imaginary.
So for the first time in my life I suddenly got what this whole ‘there is only NOW’ talk actually entails. And it’s incredible. It’s the silliest thing to overlook, but I overlook it all the time. I was like: WOW - there really is only now. Not in a ‘there is now, and then there is another now, and yesterday there was a now’ - NO.
It’s one big eternal thing. One moment. The rest is just thought.
So that was a moment of: holy sh*t - this is amazing! Look at this NOW! It’s so interesting and hilariously overlooked!
Another thing that made all the difference is the explanations that guided me to really start looking in direct experience. Because I thought I did, but I didn’t. And it helped me to see the thoughts for what they are. As soon as I got this, things started to unravel.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
Ok, so thoughts just come. There is no control over this. They arrive and they leave. Choices are based on thought. And since there’s nobody doing the thinking (it happens by itself) - there’s no control.
b) What makes things happen? How does it work?
Life is living itself. It doesn’t need or take input. It is an unfolding. In one eternal now. And since there is no ‘I’, there is no reason to assume that other people have an ‘I’. And that means nobody is ‘doing’ anything. It is just consciousnesses experiencing itself. I don’t really know how it works, but it works. And that’s all that matters.
c) What are you responsible for?
Who is this ‘you’ you’re talking about? ;)
Since there is no I that is controlling any of this - I’d say: nothing. There is nothing to do. Of course I already read about this concept beforehand. And it's like experiencing the NOW - this reality runs so much deeper then it sounds. So simple and at the same time so endlessly weird.
I'm really used to grab onto my thoughts and live inside this illusion of control. So even though I've seen trough this illusion, it's going to take more looking and more time to really integrate it.
And this still weirds me out, but there it is. There is nothing to do. There is only being, and that happens by itself. Life's an eternal vacation. Or better, an endless theatre spectacle and I get to watch it unfold.
6) Anything to add?
Well, I am wondering about something. So Liberation Unleashed has a recommended books list. And the first recommended book is the book by Jed McKenna. I’ve been reading his books, and I’m kind of confused where this all fits in.
Is this what Jed calls ‘the first step’? Because it can’t be full enlightenment since that’s supposedly about being at ‘war’ and years of struggle. And this was actually quite fun.
Besides this - I just want to thank you Adil for your time, patience and insights. It was great to work with you and like I said, I had a lot of fun. I’m grateful that you were the one to guide me to these insights and I wish you well. 💛
