Simple awakening, truth.

[horace]

As an addendum to my previous post:
It seems as if anything I do is still the self acting, so I am staying buried in the illusion that I can act. There has to be some way to let go, but even that is an act. "Me" seeing the truth of the situation is an act as well. I already have that and its stuck in my mind, its not true seeing. Though I am confident that the illusion will break and I am not willing to give up at all, I am presently riddled with doubt about how to do so.

I trust and will do what you suggest. I just wanted to let you in on my concerns.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Horace,
Lost another post, will switch to PMs as people seem to get those. Don't think I am ignoring you! Two posts have disappeared. Will copy and send PM in case the universe/internet is having another wee joke.
It IS crazy to think that we need to marshal all the self to investigate self, but this is what we have to work with.
Keep at it, looking at every action and thought for the way that self is constructing a scenario with self in the middle. ABOUT reality, not reality itself.
About the cup, not the cup. All the little stories.
No wonder we so often feel inauthentic, removed.
This really itches when you start noticing it, and tries to distract with all the stories that worked up till now. Doubt, intellectualizing, emotional revolt, physical squirming, you can probably add to the list.
What we do here is up the intensity and intent. No deviating, no matter what.
It works. Stay with it. You are doing exactly the right thing.
Keep writing, keep pinning the thoughts about down so you can see for yourself how they are either truth, or playing you. It's an amazing thing to look at in action.
Much love. Elizabeth

[horace]

So, just to make sure we are on the same page, I am looking to see how the fiction is created. When I have a thought, "This is never going to work. I can't succeed." Instead of analyzing the content, just realize that it is a thought ABOUT, that is all -- the content is irrelevant and distracting from reality in this moment (which is really that there is a thought and disheartened feelings as well as but fingers typing, eyes scanning, heart beating, etc.).

This is only an example, not how I feel. You and this community have led me to feel very confident in this endeavor. (That is also only a thought) =-)

Thank you so much for all of your help and support, thus far and continuing.

Also, just so you know, I did not receive the PM copy of your latest post.

[Elizabeth]

"how the fiction is created" yes, that.
And how essentially irrelevant the fiction is to what is happening, in reality. Making a cup of tea, with enormous drama in head. Tea gets made.
It's not bad, it's just fiction. It's not a you. It's about a you. Odd we never noticed.
Notice how thoughts about, emotional tone and physical response go together. Emotional hijacking of body is noticed, and once body is set to defence/offence, how that whole pattern takes charge and dictates what happens next. Very automatic, till you notice it. If you get lost somewhere in the observation and are taken away by the story, just come back to the next story and keep at it. One will be along shortly. You might start experiencing the gaps.
All our energy goes into the looking. No need to go to war with it, unless you just like heat and intensity :-) Simple, LOOKING. Hard, to do simple.
What, in reality, is behind the story? And it's all a story till you see clear through the self story. What is really, really there?
Or, more amazingly, not there. Either will do.

[horace]

Last night something happenes. I threw myself into observing myself, and quickly became incredibly stifled. I felt trapped in myself and was overcome by waves of despair and hopelessness and thoughts that it was impossible. The tension and discomfort continued to build, and I began to ask myself, "if I really exist, I will certainly be able to find myself amidst this, I'm drowning in it. So where am I?" Needless to say, I didn't find any thing, but that did nothing to help the trapped feelinf, which continued to build as I stuck with it.
All of a sudden, that feeling kind of fizzled out, leaving a space I bad noticed, but never felt, before. This time I felt it.
It's still there this morning. Very hard to describe. Thoughts keep coming up that I'm deluding myself, I haven't broken through, but I don't know.
I feel the same as I ever have, but different, like "I" have some wiggle room, a little more space than the trash compactor life was before.
Am I on to something? I'm. Very reticent to just outright claim I've broken through, especially because so much is the same. On the other hand, everything is slightly different, so in my gut it feels like I have. Basically, thoughts keep coming that I've hoodwinked myself, but it doesn't feel that way.

[Elizabeth]

Last night something happenes. I threw myself into observing myself, and quickly became incredibly stifled. I felt trapped in myself and was overcome by waves of despair and hopelessness and thoughts that it was impossible. The tension and discomfort continued to build, and I began to ask myself, "if I really exist, I will certainly be able to find myself amidst this, I'm drowning in it. So where am I?" Needless to say, I didn't find any thing, but that did nothing to help the trapped feelinf, which continued to build as I stuck with it.
All of a sudden, that feeling kind of fizzled out, leaving a space I bad noticed, but never felt, before. This time I felt it.
It's still there this morning. Very hard to describe. Thoughts keep coming up that I'm deluding myself, I haven't broken through, but I don't know.
I feel the same as I ever have, but different, like "I" have some wiggle room, a little more space than the trash compactor life was before.
Am I on to something? I'm. Very reticent to just outright claim I've broken through, especially because so much is the same. On the other hand, everything is slightly different, so in my gut it feels like I have. Basically, thoughts keep coming that I've hoodwinked myself, but it doesn't feel that way.

This is a good point, when do you know ?
Is this another transient experience, or a realization, a knowing that abides and grows?
I recommend doing exactly what you have been doing, continue looking with deep attention, honesty. Curious to see what happens next when the I is seen through, looking behind it, what does that lead to?
Something seems different, let's see what this has to say. How it lives.
I am as interested as you are.
We can take a little time, no hurries.
Much love.

[horace]

When I look behind the "I," there is a space. That is all I can say about it. It is like standing at the edge of a lake on a dark night -- a vast empty fullness (or full emptiness). This feeling has grown over the course of the day, not receeded.
The strange thing is that there is still attachment to an "I" concept and everything that goes along with that, but I am not the attachment or the "I."
I can't really put it into words, specifically. Language gets in the way. Everything is happening, like before, but that is all. Even amidst struggly, the Grand Struggle isn't there. If it is, it is only in though

[Elizabeth]

When I look behind the "I," there is a space. That is all I can say about it. It is like standing at the edge of a lake on a dark night -- a vast empty fullness (or full emptiness). This feeling has grown over the course of the day, not receeded.
The strange thing is that there is still attachment to an "I" concept and everything that goes along with that, but I am not the attachment or the "I."
I can't really put it into words, specifically. Language gets in the way. Everything is happening, like before, but that is all. Even amidst struggly, the Grand Struggle isn't there. If it is, it is only in though

Lets stand in that spaciousness. Are you really looking behind an I?

[horace]

I don't know.

[Elizabeth]

I don't know.

I don't know is a wonderful thing.
You are looking right at an I thought, and the nothing behind it.

Do you exist?

Love. Elizabeth

[horace]

No. All the parts that are related to a me exist: thoughts, hands, emotions...but the I they are labeled under is just a label. That central core that supposedly holds the varied aspects of a me together does not. So, a human named Horace exists, but I, as the operator of that human, do not.

[Elizabeth]

No. All the parts that are related to a me exist: thoughts, hands, emotions...but the I they are labeled under is just a label. That central core that supposedly holds the varied aspects of a me together does not. So, a human named Horace exists, but I, as the operator of that human, do not.

Yes, Horace. Quite mind-negating when you go there. If you had a you :-)
Couple more questions to ask what remains.
What is the difference between being you before, and you now? How is this living?
And, was there anything pivotal to this realization? what was key for you?

If you would go deep on these, they may inspire you later, or someone else who reads this. And it's always a gift to hear it.
Much love.

[horace]

Yes, Horace. Quite mind-negating when you go there. If you had a you :-)
Couple more questions to ask what remains.
What is the difference between being you before, and you now? How is this living?
And, was there anything pivotal to this realization? what was key for you?

If you would go deep on these, they may inspire you later, or someone else who reads this. And it's always a gift to hear it.
Much love.[/quote]

When compared to before, things just happen. Thoughts appear, hands type, music plays (which ears hear), but there is no one doing this. I am not thinking, typing, or hearing, but there are thoughts which sometimes are about an "I" or are labeled under "I" in memory, but there is nothing running the show.
It's like a tornado, thoughts, emotions, etc. are swirling and whipping as usual, but instead of there being a center controlling all of this and relating to it as had been assumed since childhood, there is just a space, a wonderful, open space.
Nothing needs to be done for living to occur. It is a process that happens on its own. It was in motion long before the human Horace was born, and it will continue long after that form dies. Living is the dance of the universe, and without the mistaken attachment to an I concept, it is easy to let loose and cut the rug.

The thing is, that dance was already happening before the recognition. It's happening whether acknowledged or not.

For me, the key to this realization was the deep looking. By holding in and sticking with the fear that is the driving force of the illusion, eventually the recognition that it is only a feeling, with nothing to relate to or feel it, happens.
Also, when I realized that attachment is also within awareness, just as everything else is. If it actually related to something, that would also have to be able to be perceived. It can't. Because it doesn't exist.

Thank you so much!

[Elizabeth]

Thank you, Horace, yes, a gift to hear it. You are most welcome!
I'll have a couple others see if there is anything we missed, so there may be another question or two. This is the best time to clarify, before any easily cleared up thoughts have time to ramify, like they do :-) Clearly, thought is still there. Just not that believable.
For me, seeing at Gate is working slowly (or quickly, considering the 35 years of foreplay and speculation on the matter, heh) into how life is now. I hope you find it always joyous, or at least darn interesting.
When we are done, if you like, you'll get added into an aftercare group, or two.
So, I'll get back to you soon. And still am available to you, questions, observations, anything.
Love to you, be very well.

[horace]

I would be very interested in joining an aftercare group. Though the illusion has been seen, I still have a lot a lot of self-centered habits that seem like they will take a bit to unwind. Thank you for all of your support and warmth through this.
Fire away =-)