Hi John,
Does ‘Anne’ make things happen?
- Is ‘Anne’ in control of anything? How does it work?
- What is ‘Anne’ responsible for?
- Any examples from experience would be good too.
Anne is fiction and can do nothing.
How do things happen?
I can not see how things happen but they do. Thoughts arise, sensations are felt. A controller of that can not be seen.
Without an agent there is no control and no responsibility.
As a fiction Anne consists of thoughts, feelings and body.
When a thought is observed or the body moves or there is a feeling, this is attriuted to Anne.
Anne thinks / Anne walks / Anne feels sad.
..
In the evening i talked to the husband of the watering can lady. He was filling the can and asked me if i needed it, he would be done in a minute.
I said, that i hadnt seen them for three days.
He told me that his wife had chemo again and wasnt feeling that well.
When i was back at my place i cried very hard. When i didnt see their car in the morning i relaxed bc i knew i would not be bothered by her.
Comparing now my relief with her suffering made me feel real bad.
I’d rather have her around and pester me than her having chemo.
And by thinking, her leaving had s.th. to do with my seeing, i painted my ego golden myself.
It took a while to focus on me and see all the thoughts and beliefs.
She might be angry bc i seem to be wasting my life and health, while she is sick.
Anger might keep her distracted from her fear.
Thinking how big her fear might be, makes me sad.
Anyway, i dont want to analyze her. (focus on me)
I am not afraid of dying (if its quick without suffering.).
I dont know what comes after that, just nothing ot being reborn as a tree.
Although having to stand in one place as a tree all the time could be …. odd.
It feels egoistic to focus on me, while the lady is the one who is sick.
Feeling anger or shame or judging, it was easier to focus on me.
What i feel at the moment is a mixture of regret and sadness.
Regret only can come with choice and control.
Sadness is there bc i think that nobody should suffer. (not realistic)
What can i learn?
I dont know, i dont want to interpret too much.
Maybe i can recognize that i learned the belief that death and sickness are sad. And death is the end.
There is no problem now in this moment. Only in thought. And life should be celebrated.
I dont remember if i posted it or only wrote it down for me. I see a lot of her in myself. She seems to like control. I hate being controlled.
She is very perfectionistic. I was that too in my job (fear of making mistakes and wanting approval).
Fighting about being right (both of us).
And i remember my grandma suffering when she was old and me not being able to do s.th. about it.
I think this is the source of sadness!!
There are lots of memories about her. She was always so sweet and kind and worked so hard. I think i was not able to give her back enough love.
Judging my grandma and my mother being vulnerable through loveing and kindness (they got hurt a lot), influenced me a great deal concerning relationships.
And at the same time they wanted me to be nice and ‘easy’ like them, when i was growing up, and i hated that.
Whew. That was intense but i was able to dig it out. And crying stopped.
These are memories belonging to fiction of Anne. They where saved under a certain perception. And a lot of emotions come with them.
Probably bc the things were experienced in youth with a lot of emotion.
I can see now this contradicting stories that create pressure: frustration and guilt and love concerning my mother and grandma.
Love Anne
