Scared right now

[AttheGate]

John,
I hope you’ll still be my guide. It’s been a long time since I posted.

I’ve let the thought of “me” run the show some of the time these last 6 weeks. The Physical pain from rods and screws and nerve damage has increased. Lots of flare ups that trigger being “down”. Some of the time I just gave in without an attempt to notice what was experiencing these intense sensations and thoughts

Last couple of days I looked at a core: when the cancer returns to my spinal cord (Chordoma is rare. no cures right now) I’ll suffer much more than I’m suffering now. And, I’ll be alone as I’ve been alone with my pain all my life.
I’ve looked and seen there is no one thinking those thoughts/holding those beliefs/creating that fear. All happening on it own.

This has gotten me to write to you and commit to the freedom which is already there.
Right now watching the thoughts that you won’t be my guide because I “dropped the ball”—thoughts happening on their own. They may be true. It matters and doesn’t matter.

Right now I experience the fear of fully letting go of the sense of “I”, experience hope, experience pain and heaviness. And, I get a sense there is no one actually there.

I’m ready to commit to allowing the freedom, which is already there, to run the show.

Warmly,
Judith

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Lovely to hear from you.

I hope you’ll still be my guide. It’s been a long time since I posted.

It's all good.

This has gotten me to write to you and commit to the freedom which is already there.
Right now watching the thoughts that you won’t be my guide because I “dropped the ball”—thoughts happening on their own. They may be true. It matters and doesn’t matter.

Right now I experience the fear of fully letting go of the sense of “I”, experience hope, experience pain and heaviness. And, I get a sense there is no one actually there.

Walk through the fear, head held high.
It cannot do anything, it is an emotional reaction to not knowing.
So, move through fear with regular full breathing as your foundation.

Share with me any discoveries.

Walking along together,
John

[AttheGate]

Thank you.

Tears welling up at no being alone.

I’ll report.

[AttheGate]

It’s 3 a m. Not unusual for me to wake up at this hour. Stream of consciousness:

Fear not in foreground. Pain was in foreground. Dulled it with some Tylenol.
Now whatever I notice, ie my hand, is in the foreground. Can’t find a noticer. Just sensations.

Pain right now in neck, back, shoulders— the usual. Sets off a wave of feeling fed up, angry. Very gripping. Anxiety felt in the form of nausea.
No person to whom this is happening. Yet this loop/ pattern of pain, emotional reactions can so quickly grab and hold my attention.

Drawing the lens back and noticing. Another analgesic?
On some level sensations don’t matter because they’re not happening to an identifiable person.

Breathing, breathing. Noticing the intense nausea. Stomach gripping. Nerve pain down arm. Back and neck spasm. All happening. Not happening to a Judith. Yet there is the strong sense of a person who wants it to stop. A person who wants something different right now.

[s-p-a-c-e]

HI Judith,

On some level sensations don’t matter because they’re not happening to an identifiable person.

Yes, they are not happening to the characterisation 'Judith', the narrative 'Judith', the persona 'Judith'.
Why? Because 'Judith' is a 'Jack and Jill' story - and stories don't feel sensations.

Breathing, breathing. Noticing the intense nausea. Stomach gripping. Nerve pain down arm. Back and neck spasm. All happening. Not happening to a Judith. Yet there is the strong sense of a person who wants it to stop. A person who wants something different right now.

That strong sense is your natural ego. This natural ego is fine. Yes, we may have associated it at one point with the story 'Judith', but now we see that is not the case.

The ego, free of the cage of the story of 'Judith', can relax. Perfectly natural for the ego to want something different, to alleviate pain.

You will know the difference between desire that is narrative-generated - why 'me' etc, and desire that spontaneously shows up.

Warm wishes,
John

[AttheGate]

Lots of pain today. Feels like I’ve completely lost the capacity to watch the sensations. On the one hand I can’t find a me. On the other hand, the intensity of the snarly, growling, raging feelings and the flare up of pain feel like there's not a centimeter of distance from the giant, raging me.
Feels like I’m drowning in “narrative”. (A word you used in you last post). This body is screaming. (I am working on new pain control. I have to have patience and experiment. And I'm not feeling confident.).

Any help with perspective most appreciated. I want you to help me control the feelings and sensations. To help me make a better narrative. There it’s out!! Shameful. Giving up trying. Just want to feel better now.

Somehow I’m finding this funny. Growling and smiling at the same time.
A part of me has completely let go of observing. Fuck diligent Judith.

Ok. So there’s no Judith. Just screaming, paining, raging. For just this moment I sense that. Barely sense that.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Lots of pain today. Feels like I’ve completely lost the capacity to watch the sensations. On the one hand I can’t find a me. On the other hand, the intensity of the snarly, growling, raging feelings and the flare up of pain feel like there's not a centimeter of distance from the giant, raging me.
Feels like I’m drowning in “narrative”. (A word you used in you last post). This body is screaming. (I am working on new pain control. I have to have patience and experiment. And I'm not feeling confident.).

Any help with perspective most appreciated. I want you to help me control the feelings and sensations. To help me make a better narrative. There it’s out!! Shameful. Giving up trying. Just want to feel better now.

Somehow I’m finding this funny. Growling and smiling at the same time.
A part of me has completely let go of observing. Fuck diligent Judith.

Ok. So there’s no Judith. Just screaming, paining, raging. For just this moment I sense that. Barely sense that.

There's a breathing practice that I find helpful in two ways, it's grounding and retreats with awareness upstream.
The body shows up in awareness, but less and less is it 'mundanely yours'.

You find a place to sit or lie.
After a few breaths just settling down.
You breathe fully in on a count of 4 (1,2,3,4)
At 4, having breathed fully in, you hold that for a count of 2 (1,2)
Then, you breathe fully out slowly to the count of 4 (1,2,3,4)
At 4, having breathed fully out, you hold for a count of 2 (1,2)
And then back to breathing in to a count of 4 again.

Adjust this to suit. Sometimes, I do 12 cycles, sometimes 6, even 3, depends on how I'm feeling, and how my state shifts during it. There's no need to push it any further than feels ok for you. So, after 6, for example, you may feel, ah, I'm there now, and stay breathing regularly.

When the cycle stops, just return to regular breathing, although they tend to be slightly slower and deeper than usual.

Anything that shows up, body, thoughts, sensations, are secondary, almost distant, to awareness. Awareness has no interest in this versus that. So, in that place of awareness, be there awhile.

With a big hug, and much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Thank you.

Writing to you after the breathing technique and a Tylenol:
The Judith character isn’t of particular interest. In fact, there’s just emptiness. Emptiness totally filled with stuff thats dear (not a word I use).
And sensation of neck, right eye aching and throbbing and more body stuff. And agitation.
“Oh no, I’m getting stuck in the loop again”

Breathing technique.

Pain/ agitation loop is here.
Dearness is here.
Fluidity at this moment

Grateful for John of Wales.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Judith,

Writing to you after the breathing technique and a Tylenol:
The Judith character isn’t of particular interest. In fact, there’s just emptiness. Emptiness totally filled with stuff thats dear (not a word I use).
And sensation of neck, right eye aching and throbbing and more body stuff. And agitation.
“Oh no, I’m getting stuck in the loop again”

Breathing technique.

It's a very useful and powerful regulator. Good just before you sleep too.

I like it because it settles the locus in a 'field of awareness'.
So rather than attending to this or that (from 'tendere' meaning to stretch), so stretching after objects, or sensations, we retreat to this 'place of awareness' and settle in.

The more you do it, the easier it gets to switch into it. Like changing the focus on a telescope. :)

Pain/ agitation loop is here.
Dearness is here.
Fluidity at this moment

From the field of awareness, look at the pain as happening to a complete stranger of whom you know not.

Grateful for John of Wales.

I'm feeling a desire for a castle now. :)

With warmest wishes,
John

[AttheGate]

Just noticing with the lens switching while I was doing tha breathing technique and writing was a relief. I've done deep breathing before. This is different. Technique is different. Intention is different. I’m different? Doing it with you is different!

Pai happening to a stranger. Let’s see how that goes. 😊

[AttheGate]

New pain regimen. Cbd and thc (lowest pssible dose). Slept all night for the first time in ages!

Concerned the thc would make me a bit up and reduce clarity. Breathing technique is keeping me grounded and focused.
right now observing that the pain in the body isn’t happening to a me. So the usual intthought/feeling/pain drama has diminished.

Grateful for chemically induced softening.

Grateful for your guidance

[s-p-a-c-e]

New pain regimen. Cbd and thc (lowest pssible dose). Slept all night for the first time in ages!

Lovely to hear!

Concerned the thc would make me a bit up and reduce clarity. Breathing technique is keeping me grounded and focused.
right now observing that the pain in the body isn’t happening to a me. So the usual intthought/feeling/pain drama has diminished.

You can, if it feels ok, up the ante on the 'pain is not my pain, its the pain of a complete stranger'. Kind of like a dial, turn it up for more distance, and down to feel it a little more.

With much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Not fully getting the “pain is not mine. It’s the pain of a complete stranger.” Playing with the lens.

Here's my experience:
When I feel strong pain I may ask “ where is the me having this pain”, sometimes I just say a word like “notice”,or I do the breathing.
Often that shifts me from the pain encompassing everything to awareness. Shifts from “the me” to something vastly larger— which includes the pain
Meaning, I feel pain but not all the rest of the thoughts and feelings pain triggers. There’s pain; yet much less misery (lack a better word)

Interesting. I just slipped into wanting a report card. “How am I doing, teacher. Please show me my mistakes so ‘the me’disappears for good. So I I can graduate and don’t have to try so hard to deal with pain, life”

Haha. Seems ridiculous yet real

[s-p-a-c-e]

Not fully getting the “pain is not mine. It’s the pain of a complete stranger.” Playing with the lens.

Here's my experience:
When I feel strong pain I may ask “ where is the me having this pain”, sometimes I just say a word like “notice”,or I do the breathing.
Often that shifts me from the pain encompassing everything to awareness. Shifts from “the me” to something vastly larger— which includes the pain
Meaning, I feel pain but not all the rest of the thoughts and feelings pain triggers. There’s pain; yet much less misery (lack a better word)

Interesting. I just slipped into wanting a report card. “How am I doing, teacher. Please show me my mistakes so ‘the me’disappears for good. So I I can graduate and don’t have to try so hard to deal with pain, life”

Haha. Seems ridiculous yet real

Good stuff.
'me' disappears for good when you stop making it appear.

Much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Playing with not making the “me” appear. A different perspective. At this moment of observing, awareness is the “natural state”. Creating the me takes effort. A momentary reversal.
More later.