Thank you John, for your attention and willingness to explore further.
The emotions keep changing from between joy, happiness insecure/fear, restlessness, aversion.
There is more sensitivity to the experiences. There is however most of the time a certain calm feeling underlying all these mindstates. Yesterday I talked to someone I know but noticed that there was insecurity, the talking wasn´t spontaneous. There was more self-consciousness. Then when walking I looked at a girl and she looked at me. She kept looking at me and it was a nice feeling but there was shyness. Then I sat down and I was thinking about talking to her, but was a little nervous. Then again someone I know come to say hey, but again a little awkward, but this time more awkward because there was also the nervous feeling of talking to the girl. The girl could have heard the conversation. Then I went to talk to her, but it was clear that she lost interest. After talking to her for a few minutes she left.
There was little identification with the insecurity and with the nervousness, it is just as it is, nothing to do to make it go away. But after talking to the girl and she lost interest, even walked away, then there was the whole story of ¨me¨ which I identified with. Pretty soon I started to do inquiry and this lessened the identification. The story came back a few times even in my sleep, sometimes it was seen clear without much identification and sometimes it took inquiry to lessen the identification.
John, we all have certain unresolved emotional 'issues' which are triggered by circumstances, and we re-act. We re-act to avoid the pain, we get angry at the other, blame them, suppress it, etc, etc.
These 'issues' are largely untouched by seeing that you have been living the life as 'you', an embodied narrative.
I say 'largely' because this seeing does weaken the narrative and gives us a way in to start unpicking and unravelling.
Being outside the frame of LU (Liberation Unleashed), we will explore it in passing. :) Lots of folk come here with the expectation that seeing (the fiction of 'me') will eradicate this hurt, or alleviate it. It won't. What changes is that it's not 'your' hurt anymore. The hurt is woven into the narrative of 'me'. Hence it changes when you're not playing the lead. But like a toy train on a track, it'll come around and around, each time, giving you the opportunity to see what it is and isn't.
So, you will be shy again in a short while. As you did this time, pierce directly into the heart of the narrative, and the pattern will start to unravel.
Ok, good. There are folk who have adopted 'no control' as a mantra, and thereby take no responsibility for actions. That's not freedom by any stretch. Not a good look. :)
What is in your experience a good look?
Seeing with or without concepts.
Well, with looking it is seen that the story of ¨me¨ is an idea. With looking it is seen that there is a process.
For example when an itch arises, there arises an unpleasant feeling, then a thought arise about scratching, then the action of scratching happens. Another example: When there is pain, an unpleasant feeling arises, then a thought arises about removing or lessen the pain, then the action of removing of lessening the pain happens. Not everything of the whole process is seen, so there is a certain believe I guess. But then do you need to see everything to see the mechanism, do you need to see every ¨I¨ thought to see that the story of ¨me¨ is an idea?
About Solving the puzzle of being. The question: ¨What am I?¨ or ¨Who am I?¨, is a thought. Who is asking this question? Another thought. Can there be only seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting, thinking. Was there ever anything else?
Without getting absorbed in the story, there is only experience. Then there is nowhere to go, but where we are because there is only now, only the present moment. Past and future are thoughts that appear in the now.
But then how to live in the world, where it is necessary to think, plan, remember? It is part of the experience, but then we are lost in the content again. Except for when there is conscious thinking, planning and remembering, then we attentionally take the action in the present moment. But who is taking the action? Nobody, the action is done. So who can be conscious of taking the action? Nobody, consciousness has arisen. Who is lost in the content? Nobody, awareness has faded. So there is nothing to do, it is happening by itself. But who is trying to do things? Nobody, just trying and thoughts about trying. Who is doing the inquiry? Nobody, the inquiry is taking place. It is only the story of ¨me¨ who makes you believe that you are doing any of this. But what then let me to do this inquiry? The process itself. There was no ¨you¨ who wanted to know the truth about this story of ¨me¨. It was the process, life, experiences itself.
So then there is nothing to do? Who is deciding to do nothing? It is life, process, experience. The story of ¨me¨ is an mental construct. There is no ¨you¨ who makes the decisions. The decisions are made. But how can certain habits change or certain things that are seen as not useful? They are changing by itself, the information that certain habits or thing are not useful, will change them automatically without anyone having to do anything, because the actions that are needed to change them will also happen automatically without anyone having to do anything. Life is living, experiences are experienced.
All good questions. Again, the frame of LU is to point out what you are not, or rather, that what you think you are, 'me', is made-up. But then the question comes up again, "But if I'm not this, then who, what am I?" - "Who is doing stuff if not 'me'?"
You may have noticed in your reading, that dogma fills the gaps of doubt.
You also know that human creatures have the capacity to live according to a fiction (i.e. 'me'), very effectively, effortlessly even. So living according to another fiction like 'no control', or 'life living itself', or 'no-one doing anything' is just as easy. YouTube is full of it if you want specimens. :D
There are two broad approaches: figure it out, or live it.
In living it, the living is the answer.
In figuring out, you have to wait until you find the right concept that matches life. :D
Rather than thinking who is planning, plan.
Each time a fiction, a curtain, drops away, you see a little more of what's left, what remains.
Rest your hand on a table. At some point in the next minute, raise it to eye level, hold it there a bit, and return it to the table, but pausing again on the way down.
As you do so, observe like a hawk.
Don't observe with a pre-frame such as 'to see that there is no self doing it', observe cleanly from the experience itself. Learn from observation. Observe the resting, the initiation, the movement, the pace, the precision, the pausing.
Was it random? Were you like a zombie? Did the arm shoot out uncontrollably?
Do it again, but instead of raising it straight up, put some curves in there.
See what you discover.
Best wishes,
John
