Hey Robyn,
It would be helpful if you would refrain from using the words "feel" and "feeling," for they are being used to mean various things. See if you can pinpoint what you mean.
Okay. I'll do my best.
There are specific thoughts (their contents), specific emotions, specific physical sensations, specific sights, specific sounds, specific tastes, specific smells. So, for example, instead of writing "It feels like I'm trying to trick myself...," it might be, there's a thought that I'm trying to trick myself." Does this make sense?
Yes, that makes sense. When referring to specific physical sensations, rather than saying 'felt', I'll use 'body-sensed', to make it clear what I mean. In the case of an ambiguous vibe, like what you quoted me on, I'll see what specific sensations are actually there that might be getting glossed over by my use of the word 'feeling'.
Is all of this the content of thought along with some body sensation? Where and what is the sensation and is it 'me?'
Yes. To try and experience this again in this moment I looked at my coffee mug beside me. I noticed that there were two ways in which my gaze could move: consciously and automatically.
The gaze was thought to be moving consciously when a movement of the eyes was preceded by a thought about where to look; when I first looked at the mug, there was the intention to do so, which was just a wordless thought whose content was something like, "Look at the mug," and then the gaze directed itself toward the mug to look at it. Initially, the image of the mug was very flat and there was a body sensation of tension around the eyes, accompanied by the thought that this was what it was like to be an observer separate from something being observed. I think that this is what I would have been referring to by the interpretation 'causing' a visceral [body sensation], of "me"-ness. There was a body sensation, and then a thought that seemed to interpret it, such that the next body sensation arising in the same place was seen or body-sensed in light of that thought, as somehow confirming or serving as evidence for that interpretation.
In point of fact, the eyes only ever move automatically. It's just that when the movement is preceded by an intention or a discursive thought 'about' the movement, there's the illusion that the thought or the thinker behind the thought is 'doing' the movement or making the movement happen. I know that there is no thinker behind thoughts and that thoughts just come up on their own without anyone doing anything to make them happen. Thoughts on their own are not seen to cause anything else to happen. If the thought came up that I wanted more coffee and then the eyes moved to look at the mug, that movement would be seen to have occurred automatically. However, if the thought came up, "Look at your mug," and then the eyes moved in exactly the same way as they did in the previous example, the movement would be interpreted as having been done consciously by some agency typically referred to as "me". There really does not seem to be any difference in direct experience between these two types of movement. The difference only arises in retrospect based on whether a relevant thought or intention came up beforehand.
An emotion of uneasiness made up of body sensations in the upper stomach and chest came up. There's an obvious conflict between the interpretation that there is an "I" or agency in control of some thoughts and actions and what's been experienced just now. This same fear came up while I was following along with the dialogue between Ilona and Christie in Gateless Gatecrashers last night. I followed Ilona's advice to be with and look behind the fear to see what's there and found emotions of intense pain, embarrassment and humiliation. At the time, I thought that the fear was a way of inhibiting my behaviour. I thought that I must be afraid of doing anything that would cause that emotion to come up again. Right now, it's more like I'm afraid that I actually cannot control whether or not something like that ever happens again, which for a brief moment brought up a strong wave of sadness, followed by emotions of exhaustion, tiredness and a body sensation of heaviness in the middle of my torso, between the top of the stomach and the base of the chest, which I think is called guilt but I'm not sure. There are some very negatively-valued memories of past experiences associated with these emotions that I don't want to talk with you about directly, Robyn. Will that get in the way of further seeing?
Is this a thought?
It probably was, but I can only infer into the past based on what's happening now, so I can't say for sure that it was.
Must there 'I' in order for there to be experience? How about for a bird?
As in the case of a bird, it certainly isn't necessary. Although, I've seen cats miss jumps and fall awkwardly and their reaction makes me think that what they're feeling is very close to what in my own experience I would call embarrassment, which seems to involve awareness of something like a self that intends or desires that what it does will have a specific outcome. While it may not be necessary for there to be an "I" in order for there to be experience for one species of animal, that doesn't mean it may or may not exist in another. These are all just thoughts though, ahahaha. Please don't think this is a laugh at your expense, Robyn. It's just funny to see how thoughts arising entirely without a self to cause them can dance so adroitly around the truth.
Is there any experience other than the one you're having right now? How about now? Now?
No - no, no. Only more experience. Every elsewhere is only ever here.
What does 'feels' mean here?
It meant that a thought came up that this was what the situation appeared to be, and that it was followed by an emotion of wariness or skepticism which seemed to confirm its content.
<3
Robyn
