Scared right now

[AttheGate]

I see the limitations of writing stream of consciousness.

I DO WANT TO CONTINUE our connection. Have no idea what that means because the me that wants to keep connected to you, my guide, is minuscule compared to the burning.
I wanted you to reply. Thank you.
Right now the burning is all that seems to be continuing.
Destroying continues. Nothing matters.

The school shootings (and majority of politicians not wanting gun control) were just the trigger for the rage/fire, obviously.

I don’t want to loose our connection.
Yet, the fire/rage is infinitely bigger than everything. Less intense than 4 a.m.
Putting it into words of someone who lives in California, wildfire country, “the fire 🔥 continues, but the flames seemed to have burned away major fuel sources for the moment”

Your words that you understand; that our connection isn’t severed are appreciated and perfect.
I know nothing beyond this.
J

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi J,

Thanks for your response.
It's probably best we leave it for a while, its pretty raw right now.

Take care,
John

[AttheGate]

John,

To leave it for awhile makes sense.

Thank you,

Judith

[AttheGate]

John,
Glad you suggested I step back.
Lots has happened in the last week.

On Monday I saw my hardware surgeon. Scary stuff. Screws in my neck are millimeters from my spinal cord so any strong jolt and the screws cut into the spinal cord. Plus another neck issue may warrant major surgery.
Prior to seeing the surgeon I was open, flowing— experienced lots of ease and silence. Even taking in all this info, I continued sensing a flow that was not effected by my discussion with him.

Dennis, a guide who lives very close to me in LA, emailed saying he read my thread and wondered if I’d .like to meet in persongiven that I sounded so raw (don’t remember his word).
On Tuesday, our 2 hour coffee continued the opening I had been experiencing. And expanded it.
He, of course, encouraged me to continue with you as my guide if that’s how I’m drawn.

Seems like I’m awake, no personal self and then, wham, right now it’s gone.
Since Wednesday. I’ve had lots of physical pain from hardware and other issues. I’m tight, angry and don’t sense the openings I’d previously experienced. Even the witnessing isn’t happening. Fed up with this roller coaster. Attempting not to give the mind voice sovereignty. But, I see how I’m using that as just another control strategy.
Where’s the trust? That ease of letting each moment carry me/no me?

Voice in head is saying, “Of course you’re on a roller coaster. Given the pain and what you’re facing, it’s natural”. But,
that doesn’t address the WAY I’m engaging with what’s happening. Feels like I have no access to anything but relentless pain and anger. Even though there are mechanical reasons for this pain flare up, I know I’m seduced into a web I’m creating.

Appreciate your help, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi J,

Appreciate the update. Feel free to continue to meet up with Dennis.

As to the roller coaster, this is nothing much to do with the personal self business, but anger with yourself.

Its something to explore, ask: Why am I so angry with myself?

And this is not a case of looking for justification, or reasons to be angry. It is about discovering the nature of your own anger, and the motive behind it.

Usually, we are angry because something (me, life, other) is not as it should be. And so we fight with how it is. In which there is only ever one winner.

If you wish, explore this some, and see what shows up.

With much love and warmth,
John

[AttheGate]

Dennis,

The anger at myself and everything else has broken through to being COMPLETELY FED UP with constant pain plus large limitations on what I can do daily. Right now I’m admitting I hate the pain and am fed up with constantly working with it.

Three years ago I had direct experience of mind voice was turning pain into suffering. Strong motivation not to believe that voice. A true opening. Pain became a Zen master.

However, that realization fit perfectly into accepting my challenges with “grace”. Friends and family compliment me for this. Lots of inner /outer reinforcement for being my life-long, habitually nice accepting self. Lots of reinforcement for not being snarky. For not feeling how really, really hard it is having a back and neck of rods and screws and ........much more.

Much easier to turn the anger on myself. “If only you tried harder you could rise above this shit.”
At this moment I sense I’ve turned the Zen master into an inner torturer.

Not sure where else to go with this.

Grateful for your guidance. (Not the bullshit grateful I sometimes switch to when I’m really not)

[s-p-a-c-e]

The anger at myself and everything else has broken through to being COMPLETELY FED UP with constant pain plus large limitations on what I can do daily. Right now I’m admitting I hate the pain and am fed up with constantly working with it.

Good to get that stated, out there.

Three years ago I had direct experience of mind voice was turning pain into suffering. Strong motivation not to believe that voice. A true opening. Pain became a Zen master.

Yep.

However, that realization fit perfectly into accepting my challenges with “grace”. Friends and family compliment me for this. Lots of inner /outer reinforcement for being my life-long, habitually nice accepting self. Lots of reinforcement for not being snarky. For not feeling how really, really hard it is having a back and neck of rods and screws and ........much more.

Good old J, so nice. Accepting it all with grace.

Much easier to turn the anger on myself. “If only you tried harder you could rise above this shit.”
At this moment I sense I’ve turned the Zen master into an inner torturer.

It happens.

Not sure where else to go with this.

J, I asked why you were so angry with yourself, and it looks like you put pleasing others right up there before everything else.
No wonder you're so fucking angry.

Maybe its time you gave up being so nice. Heaven forbid.

No personal self, who's pain is it?

Explore un-owned experience, share what comes up.

With much love,
John

[AttheGate]

John,
Thanks for your responses. Yes, I am fucking angry. Good to see your responses in writing and put thatose words in writing.

During th day I was able to observe from a zone of un-owned experience. Compassion, love for this little being named Judith. At one point I almost teared up.

However, in the. middle of the night I went in and out of being able to observe. WHEN I COULD, the pain diminished. Impressive.
On reflection, I see I was trying t override agitation/anger by staying in the un-owned experience zone. Remarkable how quickly mind runs with everything. Got pretty intense.

From observing my anger (shared in my last post) I noted that there are times to let go and allow. The breakthrough was big.

And, there are times to observe from the perspective of an utter stranger. Un-owned experience is easy —when it’s easy.

Haha. 😀😀 John, I’d like the liberation guidance manual outlining which “technique” works for which situation. Mind is so clever.

Thank you,
J

[s-p-a-c-e]

During th day I was able to observe from a zone of un-owned experience. Compassion, love for this little being named Judith. At one point I almost teared up.

That's all we're doing here, seeing that experience is un-owned by what we had thought owned it.

However, in the. middle of the night I went in and out of being able to observe. WHEN I COULD, the pain diminished. Impressive.
On reflection, I see I was trying t override agitation/anger by staying in the un-owned experience zone. Remarkable how quickly mind runs with everything. Got pretty intense.

From observing my anger (shared in my last post) I noted that there are times to let go and allow. The breakthrough was big.

And, there are times to observe from the perspective of an utter stranger. Un-owned experience is easy —when it’s easy.

Haha. 😀😀 John, I’d like the liberation guidance manual outlining which “technique” works for which situation. Mind is so clever.

Well, this is a good question, because then we might ask, "What is the intention, such that this question is important to me?"

And we find that we want a way of fixing life, making it better.

But what if we are not interested in fixing life, because life is. And we are life too.

Now, who is not happy about it being this way or that?
Who seeks to be satisfied by this or that technique?
If everything is sorted, what happens to this who?
Did she figure it all out?

Warm wishes,
John

[AttheGate]

John,
Your inquiry brought a shift. An immediacy. An intimacy. More to say but no words.
Except thank you.
Intrigued with how this is unfolding. Just being right now.
Best, j

[s-p-a-c-e]

J,

John,
Your inquiry brought a shift. An immediacy. An intimacy. More to say but no words.
Except thank you.
Intrigued with how this is unfolding. Just being right now.
Best, j

Ok, good. I'm here for anything you want to share, as and when.

Much love and support,
John

[AttheGate]

John,
This weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon that was released in 2015: THOMAS KEATING A RISING TIDE OF SILENCE.
Integratve.
His wording has opened, right now, a level of trust in the process.
I have not felt trust in the way I did when we began. Not felt that ease of resting in the moment to moment flow of life.
Keating's Christian wording of his non-dual experience has reminded me that Love/life “wants” union; Is “seeking” union. IS UNION.
Hineni (Here I am) is my response.

A momentary escape into Christian/Jewish mysticism? We'll see.
Certainly a relief to allow loving. To allow silence. And let go.

Best to you, John of Wales. (A Catholic friend and I smilingly call you that. I know you’re just a bloke with 2 cats).

[s-p-a-c-e]

John,
This weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon that was released in 2015: THOMAS KEATING A RISING TIDE OF SILENCE.
Integratve.
His wording has opened, right now, a level of trust in the process.
I have not felt trust in the way I did when we began. Not felt that ease of resting in the moment to moment flow of life.
Keating's Christian wording of his non-dual experience has reminded me that Love/life “wants” union; Is “seeking” union. IS UNION.
Hineni (Here I am) is my response.

A momentary escape into Christian/Jewish mysticism? We'll see.
Certainly a relief to allow loving. To allow silence. And let go.

I just watched the little trailer. Wonderful. One word: given.
Nothing to do to get there, no way to avoid it. :D

Best to you, John of Wales. (A Catholic friend and I smilingly call you that. I know you’re just a bloke with 2 cats).

You too J!

It's a lovely thing to explore the givenness of life, and ourselves of life.
All given. All around and within.

Much love,
John

[AttheGate]

Yes, given.
I keep re-reading your last sentences.
Tears in my eyes. Experiencing the wholeness, the totality of the given, the giving, the giver.
What’s to struggle, to change. Right now, in the deafening silence, only peace.
And.......

Yesterday afternoon experienced rage at the Uber driver who repeatedly passed me as I was trying to leave a doctor's office.
Inwardly screaming while I was phoning him each time I saw on the app he kept passing me.
This minuscule drama taking place after a doctor's apt. during which I’d, again, forced myself to be the good, compliant patient.
If I don’t comply, doctor/family/friends won’t be there when I need them.
Rage, rage, even hatred. Fuck everyone.
Lots of shit coming up.

(Haha 🤣 😆. I prefer the love.)

And....
so much freedom from old ways of seeing.

J

Ps. Gratitude that this being has the incredible luxury of feeling safe, having her needs met and having time to notice.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi J,

Yes, given.
I keep re-reading your last sentences.
Tears in my eyes. Experiencing the wholeness, the totality of the given, the giving, the giver.
What’s to struggle, to change. Right now, in the deafening silence, only peace.
And.......

Yesterday afternoon experienced rage at the Uber driver who repeatedly passed me as I was trying to leave a doctor's office.
Inwardly screaming while I was phoning him each time I saw on the app he kept passing me.
This minuscule drama taking place after a doctor's apt. during which I’d, again, forced myself to be the good, compliant patient.
If I don’t comply, doctor/family/friends won’t be there when I need them.
Rage, rage, even hatred. Fuck everyone.
Lots of shit coming up.

(Haha 🤣 😆. I prefer the love.)

And....
so much freedom from old ways of seeing.

J

Ps. Gratitude that this being has the incredible luxury of feeling safe, having her needs met and having time to notice.

Lovely to hear. :)

It's simply the case that we can be with the given, as the given, one minute :) and habitually retreat into our shell of self, cursing uber the next. :D

I'd say that the direction should not be on eradicating the habitual retreat into self/me, but to penetrate it, to see what's happening, to penetrate the shell of self/me, to blow away the smoke and mirrors and see what remains.

With much love,
John