OK, I couldn't resist the questions so dove right in...
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was
there ever?
Only apparently so, but not in actuality (as far as I can tell! ;-)). There is no separate entity that I can perceive or locate, and there never has been one. In truth, it is kind of funny seeing this – a big cosmic joke, where you realize the punch line is: you don't exist! Or rather, what you thought you were actually isn't the case.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
As far as I can tell, it is entirely conceptual; a complex of thoughts, emotions, habitual psychological processes that we identity with as who we are, perhaps starting with a child first saying “I.” Over time more and more experiences, habits, thoughts and emotions “stick” to that thought, and it becomes our self-identity. But it is like a statue with feet of clay: it is all based upon a thought, which isn't real: “I.”
In terms of my own experience, there is just that...experience, but I habitually attach onto certain aspects of the “ongoing flow” of experience as “me,” as “I” - and it is anchored by the I-thought itself.
As I sit here writing this, there is ongoing experience in whatever form: physical/sensory, emotional, mental, imaginary, etc. It is all one “field,” yet taking different forms. There is no separate thing or entity that stands apart from experience, just habitual associations with certain aspects of the “field” as being “I,” namely the I-thought itself, as well as other subtle psychological patterns and emotional conditions. But it seems to be just that: habit and association/identification, not actuality.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
When I see this, it is...freeing. It is not that the habitual patterns no longer arise, it is that they don't “stick” as much...or rather, “I” don't get caught up in them as much as I did before. I don't get as easily swirled up in the whirlwind of habitual reaction and identification.
Don't get me wrong: there is still contraction, still moments or periods of time in which “I” am lost (as “I”!). But it is less concrete, more flowing. One analogy that makes sense to me is a flowing river; I will get stuck on a rock for moment, but inevitably I will come loose again and just flow.
Furthermore, the more I flow with and as experience, the more time seems to dilate and open up, and the more vivid things seem to be, almost as if illuminated from within. It is subtle but perceptible: everything is more clear, tastes are more powerful, etc.
There is also this accompanying sense of humor and heart-warmth that seems to be the natural response to "being the flow." A kind of bubbling up from within that is not reliant upon external stimulus.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Well, I don't quite see it as “last bit” or that I have been “pushed over.” It just feels like an ongoing deepening over years...first in glimpses, but with a kind of quickening over the last few months. I think the dissolution of my marriage really helped in that I was forced to relinquish many of my old identifications. I was pretty stuck, pretty locked into myself, and the end of my mariage broke that open. This feels like it is ongoing, and not at all finished or complete - but in a way, just getting started.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen?
How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Haha, I'll try. It all feels spontaneous – like decisions are just made without any intention. Actually, the only decision or intention that could be made is to struggle against the flow, to “grab onto the rocks,” so to speak. It seems paradoxical: the more I surrender, and the less I hold onto some semblance of control and intention, the more free I feel.
Life is happening. But it is not quite some kind of passive thing, like it is “happening to me”...that feels to be the difference; it is happening, but not to me. Rather, I am the happening itself, I am the flow of experience. I am a location within the vast matrix of what is unfolding, sort of like the myth of Indra's Net of Jewels – yet much more dynamic and flowing.
6) Anything to add?
A couple things. There seems to be less separation between “inner” and “outer.” It all feels like one field of experience. This is still very much deepening….like “I” am breathing out into the world, breathing it in, and in the process the “I” is softening and loosening, and there is only the breathing; the universe itself inhaling and exhaling, the flow of experience, inner and outer as a kind of ellipsis that are not separate, but two aspects of one holistic reality.
In other words, it kind of feel like reality has become...inverted? It is no longer "Me inside experiencing life out there," but simply one reality, a field of ever-changing experience.
The other thing is that while I've always been somewhat of a “neo-Buddhist” in terms of questioning every and all beliefs, I have surrendered more and more to uncertainty, not knowing, to the dissolution of any and all beliefs and certainties about life, the future (and past), as well as all ideas about myself. Again, the habitual “knowings” and beliefs are still there, they still arise, but it is almost like they are optional. Like I'm browsing through Netflix offerings...what do I want to watch? They are just possible ways of looking at life; perspectives on the flow of experience from within the flow of experience.
One more thing: Thank you for engaging in this dialogue with me!
Regards,
Jonathan
