Falling into

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

Some great things happening here with my inquiry and in my meditations.

I'm really looking into "I" "Me" and it's fascinating.

I did the exercise of imagining the kitchen in detail and then going into it and seeing it as it is. It really resonated with my how I imagine my life and get swept away by this imagination module. I have a sense of using this imagination module to create the "I" but I've not yet had that moment of oh now I see it. I've had some moments of really feeling it to be different and like I'm close to something changing permanently but I get swept back into autopilot and doing. I'm not trying to have a sense of slipping into something different it just feels like I'm close to it happening, so I don't think it is an expectation.

I'll definitely keep looking.

Some wonderful being happening but I've not yet seen the labelling happening clearly.

I'll keep looking.

I hope you are well

Thanks

Rob

[AlinaP]

Wonderful Rob, I am glad you're having fun!

Here is anther little exercise to try:

Imagine you are holding a spoon. Close eyes and make up an image fully and vividly. Feel the shape, size, weight, texture, temperature, all of it. Hold it in the mind. Feel the sensations that arise.
Then open eyes, 
What happened to the spoon? 
Did it disappear? 
Was there an explosion?
Was there anything that you could get rid of? 
Try to get rid of imagined spoon, how do you do that? Try and tell me.

And for the last part, go get a spoon and observe it, see how it feels, when a spoon is actually in the hand. What is the difference?

Tell me, were sensations real both times? 
Did you own the imagined spoon?

Write what you find.
Sending love.

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

Thanks for your reply and exercise.

So I looked into it.

It's possible to imagine holding a spoon in the hand? It takes effort and time and patience but one can get a sense of holding a spoon. Ultimately it's imagination. Having to imagine what type of spoon, size of spoon, material of spoon etc where to hold it in the hand. Does it lay across the fingers. I found myself pulling from memory in my fingertips of having held spoons in the past, like when I'm eating my breakfast in the morning. I'm able to establish a picture in the minds eye of holding a spoon, feeling the weight of it, the texture and shape. Then I look and there is nothing there. There's almost a delay or timelag to drop the imagined sensations and catch up with the eyes seeing the no spoon there. Then the imagined holding a spoon vanishes like a soap bubble. I've tried this a few times. Imagining holding the spoon in different ways and it always seems the same type of experience of imagination in the mind. A Fabrication. A lie.

Holding the actual spoon is a much richer experience. Real sensations experienced of weight, texture, temperature and shape. The sight of it is beautiful with light reflected off it's shiny surface. It's there to be felt and seen.

Were sensations real both times?

Good question. There seemed to be sensations in the non spoon experiment but, no they were not real. They were imagined, fabricated, made up.

Did I own the imagined spoon?

No I didn't own it. I'll I owned was the thought of an imagined spoon.
An imagined experience of holding a spoon. A fantasy.

Wishing you well

Rob

[AlinaP]

So sorry Rob, was busy for the past few days...

So let's make a distinction for this investigation. 
Is a separate self/I real or imagined? 
What happens to the i when you stop imagining it? That happens a lot through the day, when you get into some activity where you no longer notice anything other than the activity. Where does the i go then? Does it return? 

Is the separate self constantly here or it's something that comes and goes? 


Write what feels absolutely true to you, 
Sending love

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

I hope you are well

I've been very busy at work and it's been a well, a busy time let's say. That said I've been maintaining awareness as best I can and practising formally and looking into this inquiry as I go about my day.
I did feel like I lost some momentum as if things got a bit cloudy and less sharp. This has been interesting because In one way there's been a perception of less clarity but in another way there's been actually been a lessening of the "I"-ness. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'll try to explain. I'm seeing thoughts arising and life unfolding and navigating through the day but I'm less identified with the thoughts and just let them come and go but kind of tell myself they are not me. They are just thoughts. This isn't a one off and has been like this for a few days. As I sit here and pause and ponder there is awareness of direct experience hands throbbing, backs of thighs on chair, tension in shoulders, heat from warm room felt in different parts of the body. There's a kind of settled feeling to my experience. I'm not rushing to get anywhere or have things any different. I've been aware of a shifting, a sense of something slowly starting to untangle. I've not had a non dual experience as such but it feels like I'm moving towards it, whatever that is.

Is a separate self/I real or imagined?

I'm beginning to see the self as imagined. The same imagination engine that imagine the spoon inn my hand fires up and imagines stories about self. This is become much clearer, gradually

What happens to the i when you stop imagining it?
It's not there, there's just life being lived and things being done.

Where does the i go then?

it just disappears like a thought does, into that space between thoughts maybe.

Does it return?

Yes, with thinking, I think? If that makes sense.

Is the separate self constantly here or it's something that comes and goes?

It's looking like it comes and goes but the edges are blurry and I'm still looking at thoughts being there without the self. So there being thoughts about life and doing things but allowing these to come and do there thing but not believing them to be me.
Then there are times when I'm busy and really identified with what's happening.

This is where it's a bit unclear. When is the I not here

I'll keep looking and wait your next mail and questions

Lots of love

Rob

[AlinaP]

Thank you Rob for the honesty in your replies,

It is a great freedom to start seeing life is simply unfolding... Everything is happening by itself, including looking and seeing through illusion. Notice this. There is no effort, only thought about effort. Notice that there’s no one looking, but only looking and seeing happening.

There is no one inside you that is what you, no one that acts; no one that thinks. Only acting, thinking, and happening as a flow.

There's a kind of settled feeling to my experience. I'm not rushing to get anywhere or have things any different. I've been aware of a shifting, a sense of something slowly starting to untangle. I've not had a non dual experience as such but it feels like I'm moving towards it, whatever that is.

The big revelation, the shock that you expect to perhaps happen is not necessary. All it is, is a drop of a belief. It can be unnoticed and seen only when you look back.

So you can ask this question, do you believe that you are separate from the whole of life happening?
Is there a separate entity in charge of its own existence?

Write what you truly see,
Sending love.

[AlinaP]

I sense a certain waiting from you for something to happen...

Don't look for what is not found, but rather turn around and notice what is found. Turn your face to the truth, to the obvious. Notice what is here now underneath all the thinking and the happening. Notice the presence, being.

What is, here now, that is incomplete?
Is there really a gate to cross?

Much love.

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

Thank you for your reply. It resonates and I keep re-reading it.

Let me explore what's here and come back to you over the weekend with a reply

Be well

Rob

🙏

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

It's been a tough few days and I've been beset with low mood and work challenges. These have been affecting my awareness as I find myself swallowed up in the narrative and resistance. This has challenged my looking and kind if distracted me.

I feel I've come forward a step and back two.

Maybe it's part of the process?

Anyhow. I'm still looking

So you can ask this question, do you believe that you are separate from the whole of life happening?
Is there a separate entity in charge of its own existence?

I'm not separate from the whole of life happening. I can't be. It does feel like it sometimes though. I can get so wrapped up in the story, future, past, preferences, imagination. However, when I look I can start to see through the illusion.

I was in the dentist chair today having some work done and as I lay there I noted, just this experience happening and not happening to anyone. I kind of shifted something for me and there was just sounds being heard, sights being seen, sensations being felt. It definitely felt more spacious and as if time stopped mattering. As I sit here now typing in the quiet room there is the immediate experience of just being here. When I pause and settle into the body, look at the hands, sounds heard, the breath moves into awareness and takes centre stage, just happening by itself. But there is an identification with the mind and thinking and if I'm not vigilant I'm swallowed up and identified with the thinking, with the content of the thoughts.

What is, here now, that is incomplete?

This is a really good question. I mean there is just this so this must be it. There can't be anything else. But isn't there a different way of seeing this or being with this of actually being with this and not constantly being with that or something else. This habit of thinking seems to be a problem to me and preventing me from seeing clearly there is no "I"

Is there really a gate to cross?

I think I still believe there is a gate to cross or something to happen or a shift to occur, you know the seeing the truth and an Ahh moment even if a small one and that this would be a permanent change.

I checked my expectations again last night.
To see the truth
Something different
See through the illusion
Be free of limiting beliefs
A permanent state of awareness and connection

But then again if this is all there ever is then this must be it right? How can I stay with the awareness of just this and not get swept away all the time?

Sorry for the questions but I write what is true. I'm committed to this search and willing to really devote myself to it.

I look forward to your next mail with excitement.

Wishing you well and sending love

Rob

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

So much thinking. My experience is won or lost by thinking.
I noticed the absence of unhappiness when there is no thinking happening.
Today. I was in the Doctor's waiting to be seen with a few people before me. After the last person came out I saw this "I" thought that said "right, I'll be next" it was just a thought but it was me. I saw me being created in the mind. It was tiny and lightning quick but I saw it happening. This might sound like a small victory but it was quite significant.
Seeing me as just owning a thought.

I'll keep my looking

Be well

Rob

[AlinaP]

Thank you Rob for your honest reply,

Hhhmmm... moods and challenges sounds like, life.

As I sit here now typing in the quiet room there is the immediate experience of just being here. When I pause and settle into the body, look at the hands, sounds heard, the breath moves into awareness and takes centre stage, just happening by itself. But there is an identification with the mind and thinking and if I'm not vigilant I'm swallowed up and identified with the thinking, with the content of the thoughts.

Look closer what really happens? What is really happening when vigilance is not experienced? what gets swallowed? Where is it felt? What do you do in order to hold on to the identity with the content/story? 
What is that the story attaches to? 

Watch how one thought at a time, one after another are telling a story. Which thoughts are sticky and how do they stick? Describe the mechanism as you see it. 

How does attachment to a sensation work? 

Explore and write what feels true. 
Much love

[AlinaP]

Great insight and looking Rob,

Seeing me as just owning a thought.

Is there an owner of the story? Is batman an owner of the story about batman? 

Much love.

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

I've not replied for a few days but I've been doing a lot of looking.
What I'm seeing is lots of thinking. Believing in thought and story. That's all it is.

Today I traveled and caught a flight. I was able to stay mostly with direct experience and detached from a story. I kept reminding myself, no me, just life unfolding.

It's been a great day so far. This approach feels good. I've still not been able to see through the labelling of "I" though and will continue looking.
I realize that is all we are trying to do here is see there is no "I"
Just experience. Hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling, thinking. All happening but to no one. This is amazing. Thoughts are happening and will always happen right? I'm not trying to stop thinking am I, just realising there is no "I" thinking them. This is subtle but huge. I'll keep looking
Wishing you well

Rob

[Cloudberry]

Hi Alina

Look closer what really happens? What is really happening when vigilance is not experienced? what gets swallowed?

When vigilance is not experienced it seems awareness is swallowed up in story making and labelling "I" and "me"

I wasn't sure if I could see this "I" labelling but Its starting to get clearer. There is direct experience but there is also this sense of "I" experiencing. I can see it but not clearly like I feel I need to, if that makes any sense. It feels so familiar that I haven't been able to see behind it.

What gets swallowed?

Awareness get swallowed

What do you do in order to hold on to the identity with the content/story?

Keep thinking, it's as simple as that really

What thoughts are sticky and how do they stick?

Ego thoughts are sticky. Thoughts about me. Wanting and not wanting. When vigilance or awareness is not experienced it's because thinking is happening.

This looking has resulted in some amazing periods of awareness and days of being. Just taking part in life but with a subtle reminder that there is no me that anything is happening to. I really want to get this, I feel like I'm getting closer, even though there is no me to get closer. I feel like I am starting to see through the mirage but this "I" is so identified with.

If I is just a thought how do I stop thinking it?

I'll keep looking

Be well

Rob

[AlinaP]

Thank you for replying the questions,

If I is just a thought how do I stop thinking it?

Are you thinking thoughts?
Is there an 'I' that controls thoughts?

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?
Is it possible to prevent the thought "I" from appearing?

Can ‘you’ stop a thought in the middle?
Can you choose what to think?
Can you choose what not to think?

Write what feels true,
Hug