Emptiness is the track on which the centred person moves. - Tsongkhapa.

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Sometimes the answers seem to be from memory?
Is that right?

In answering about Santa, I had to think back to childhood memories in which Santa was once full of life. When I was little I had Santa thoughts that were of a real person. I would never have thought to look and see the truth of Santa. Why would I have looked to see that someone so magical and cherished was simply not there and never had been! Once there were Real Santa thoughts, and now there are memories of real Santa thoughts. Memories are just thoughts heavily informed by past experiences. Thoughts about thoughts.

Now I have thoughts about a 'real' Iain. There are thought memories of a past Iain, and thoughts about who Iain might be now and what he could or should be doing.

Is a 'memory' a different kind of thought.
Or is it a thought that says it is a past thought?
Is a memory thought happening now or in the past?

Memories are a particular kind of story that try to derive a sense of realness by suggesting there was a past person experiencing, and now a current person can reflect upon those past experiences. Like you say, a thought like any other except it likes to qualify itself by thinking it emerges from a real objective past that 'happened'. In truth, a memory is no different to a story about what is happening to Iain now, or what might happen later this evening, or next year.

Can thoughts happen at any time other than now?

What a beautiful direction. Thought can only ever be a story that appears to me right now. There can only be one thought at once. A story can appear about the deepest past, very personalised about experiences that happened only to me, or there can be a story about Iain now, or fantasy stories about the future. Knowing there is only the direct experience of now, and my endless thought story narrative, makes the idea of a separate self seem silly.

Is there a feeling that memory thoughts give a 'depth' to the feeling of 'me'?

There is a temptation to allow memories to create a structure to breathe life into Iain. What would Iain be if he didn't emerge from an endless stream of memories! However, this is just a convincing story of past, present and future self. Really, there is only now.

Love, Iain

[Nina45]

Hi Iain!

There really is only now and thoughts can only happen now.

So the thoughts of Santa are happening now, even though there is another thought saying something about the past.

Those Santa thoughts - are they 'real'?
Are the Iain thoughts any more 'real'?
Are they both happening 'now'?
Can even 'now' be found exactly? Or is there just 'this'?

Look at the thoughts of Iain and of Santa.
Take a long look for 5 minutes at all the thoughts of Iain and all the thoughts of Santa that turn up. Maybe other thoughts will turn up too.
Now - very slowly - look back. What is looking at the thoughts of Iain and Santa?

Nina
Xxx

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Those Santa thoughts - are they 'real'?
Are the Iain thoughts any more 'real'?
Are they both happening 'now'?
Can even 'now' be found exactly? Or is there just 'this'?

Thoughts are stories distinct from direct experience.

Stories can never be real. By their very nature they are flimsy subjective constructs that appear, before being replaced by yet more stories.

There is only experience and thought. Thoughts of past, present and future are themselves stories.

Take a long look for 5 minutes at all the thoughts...now - very slowly - look back. What is looking at the thoughts of Iain and Santa?

When I turn to look I see only other stories. There is no story teller.

It’s tempting to think of a hall of mirrors all reflecting a story of Iain, but I’m conscious this is borrowed from another persons experience of looking.

It feels like there is an energy of life ready to look out.

This energy seems always ready to receive experience, and also gets drawn into thought stories.

Turning to look, I glimpse only this energy that somehow allows the story of Iain to run.

Now - very slowly - look back. What is looking at the thoughts of Iain and Santa?

I’ll keep repeating this.

Love, Iain

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Thoughts of who Iain is and how he behaves have been at the forefront of my mind today. They feel like a long and familiar song that loops over and over in my mind. Sometimes the verses change. Some parts are very old and familiar. New lines come in too, suggesting the theme of the song goes off in a new direction.

It feels tough to look and see who or where this is coming from.

There's a compelling push to buy into this thought stream. To wait for the next suggestion to cone up, and run with it as if it is somehow the direction I should follow.

It helps to look back into the past and see the stories fall away. Once there was just an aware being before the influences around me informed and built up the thought stories into a structure I unquestioningly accepted.

It feels like there is a big pool of suggestive thoughts either appearing, or waiting to be triggered.

There's not so much a thinker, as a space ready to be occupied by thought.

This is a free space, it's just that there's a lot of familiar stories vying to be played out. There's an element of continuity in those thoughts, and I've misinterpreted that continuity as suggesting a person from which the thoughts come, and appear to.

Love, Iain

[Nina45]

Hi Iain,

Sorry I missed your post on Thursday!

Great - there is no thinker. There are just thoughts.

Is there an 'original thought' or 'creation thought' or 'God thought' or a thought that gives rise to all other thoughts? Is there a pure thought that will provide the 'right answer' or are there just thoughts?

Is there a way to think yourself to the 'right answer'? Or is there just thought going round in elaborate circles?

What is the 'way out' of thought? Looking for the 'right thought'? Or looking somewhere else?

Lots of love,

Nina

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Is there an 'original thought' or 'creation thought' or 'God thought' or a thought that gives rise to all other thoughts?

Thoughts are such confused silly bubbles of energy, shimmering then bursting to be replaced by yet another. They are a series of stories that appear to be informed by earlier thoughts (although the idea that some thoughts are new and some old is just another thought). Older thoughts were not truer or correct or better thoughts that somehow created the basis for later thoughts. When I was born there were no thoughts. There was no story of I running through my head. The sounds and movements of others towards me triggered a latent ability to think, and from there for story to build upon story. From no thoughts, to earliest patterns of thought to powerful messages of an I within, as distinct from others’ personalities in other bodies.

Is there a pure thought that will provide the 'right answer' or are there just thoughts?

If only. There are endless potential thoughts. Echoes of my earliest attempts to make sense, the overwhelming influences of family and culture that are endlessly regurgitated and developing as thought stories. Thoughts of a character called Iain who sits at the wheel of a body and mind driving through life, thoughts triggered by feelings and perceptions, thoughts of needs and fears. A 'god thought' or 'pure thought' could be a useful shortcut to make sense of all the other thoughts, but there is only the babble of me. The key thing is not to try to think myself into a different or better situation, to improve my thoughts and hone them towards a best thought, or uncover a trick for a Real or super thought to emerge, but to look towards who is doing the thinking.

Is there a way to think yourself to the 'right answer'? Or is there just thought going round in elaborate circles?

I don’t think thinking could ever lead to a ‘right answer’. Thoughts are by their nature a subjective reinterpretation of experience. They will probably always keep coming with all their ideas but they are likely to just lead to yet more thoughts rather than a conclusion.

What is the 'way out' of thought? Looking for the 'right thought'? Or looking somewhere else?

I can’t control my thoughts. I have allowed myself to be guided on a journey by them. I would rather see thought for what it is rather than try to manipulate thought into doing what I want.

This morning I imagined myself and saw a character. It was as though I could see an image of Iain in one of his character poses. It was very visual. I reminded myself that thoughts can appear as convincing images and sounds, yet they are only thoughts. I opened my eyes and experienced the visual experience of light entering my eyes - that is real. The image of the character Iain that appeared was composed solely of thought.

Love, Iain

[Nina45]

Hi Iain,

There is something up with notifications again! Sorry I missed you.

This morning I imagined myself and saw a character. It was as though I could see an image of Iain in one of his character poses. It was very visual. I reminded myself that thoughts can appear as convincing images and sounds, yet they are only thoughts. I opened my eyes and experienced the visual experience of light entering my eyes - that is real. The image of the character Iain that appeared was composed solely of thought.

That seems very clear Iain!

Try this. Try imagining a unicorn. Build up the image in your mind. Build the image until it seems real. Then open your eyes and look everywhere for the Unicorn. Look under the sofa and in the cupboards. In the washing machine and in the oven. Until you are fully satisfied that the Unicorn is not there.

Now try imagining Iain. Build up the image in your mind. Build the image until it seems real. Then open your eyes and look everywhere for the Unicorn. Look under the sofa and in the cupboards. In the washing machine and in the oven. Until you are fully satisfied that the character Iain is not there.

What did you find?

Nina
Xxx

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Try imagining a unicorn...then open your eyes and look everywhere for the Unicorn.

I see the unicorn, experience a sensation of the magic of its presence, and watch its graceful movement. Yet the dramatic story evaporates as soon as I open my eyes.

try imagining Iain...then open your eyes and look everywhere for Iain

Iain appears as a vivid image. Iain is a sensation radiating within his body. Iain has a past and a future. Iain can feel pleasure and pain. Iain must act to make use of his life. A consciousness imbued with Iain. Deeply ingrained story within story. Eyes open...and there is only direct experience, and the next episode of the thought drama. How could there ever have been an Iain given his construction from lots of changing thoughts?

Earlier today I returned briefly to an awareness that Iain is simply a thought, much like any other thought.

This led to an awareness that the concept that mind is a store of Iain's past, and that there is an Iain writing the script for his future plans are both simply thoughts too. I was able to very briefly tug at the fringe of the realisation that life is unfolding and cascading onwards, without the agency of a self in control. That sense of absence of control was brief but shocking. It was antithetical to my assumption that there is a self, and that self holds agency in dictating the future. Choices are being made, and yet there is no chooser.

It is nice to (very briefly) taste the truth of what were previously intellectual concepts. The immersive live dramatic thought story of Iain resumed.

Love, Iain

[Nina45]

Hi Iain -

Are you expecting a permanent state to be achieved through this inquiry Iain?

Turn towards 'Iain as a thought'.
Turn towards 'Lack of control of the future'.

They are not jewels beyond reach; they are here and now.

What could possibly be telling you otherwise?

Nina
Xxx

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Are you expecting a permanent state to be achieved through this inquiry Iain?

Apparently nothing is permanent. Rather than a 'state' I am hoping for a direct seeing that the self does not exist separately that will endure for the remainder of my life (i.e. the self that I currently assume and 'feel' to be real has never existed). I am not chasing an altered state of consciousness or freedom from emotions or trying to get rid of self or other thoughts. Like others guided I'm in the quandary of not knowing what the experience of seeing will be like, and yet only having what I already know as a way to approach it.

Turn towards 'Iain as a thought'.
Turn towards 'Lack of control of the future'.

I was very hungover this morning. This seemed to support an experience of non duality. Until now this was largely an intellectual understanding. I felt the inner space of my body filled with light, expansive and free. There was fear and trepidation. I tried to gently and simply look for Iain. A space opened up, it felt warm and expansive. There was a temptation to repeat “there is no Iain”, but there will always be a character Iain. It is just the character Iain is not real, and for that reason cannot be in control.

I got a feel for just how deeply I need to believe I am in control, and the fear of the consequences of me not being in control. I think that my need to feel I have control created an unwillingness to question this assumption, and this held me back from looking clearly. I've always enjoyed being in control, skilled at making plans, getting details right, being responsible for things going successfully to plan, able to 'make' fun for myself to experience, feeling that there is a self that is in charge of this mission, or at least negotiating the bumpy ride of life and making the most of what comes up. That need to be able to remain with control goes deep for me. Looking into that thought assumption complex suggests that deep in there is where the self likes to balance itself to avoid slipping.

I felt myself hand back control over my life to life itself. It was this way all along, but there was an awareness that it no longer needs to be grasped and contained by a self.

I sensed that this was a new experience, out with those I have had previously. Sensations came up, but rather than the cloak of self cover these, instead there was a different warm expansiveness. I saw a space between sensation arising, and the Self identification process respond to that sensation. I saw imaginary hands symbolising the self holding the reigns of ‘life control’. I watched and the hands vanished.

Everything went back to normal afterwards.

Love, Iain

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Answers in addition to those above...

Are you expecting a permanent state to be achieved through this inquiry Iain?

I'm unclear on the nature of permanent states. Having said that, my current experience of self seems to lack permanence. Even though I cling effortlessly and deeply to a self, that same experience of self changes and has a different flavour each day. I'm consumed by new things, the self seems to change as my agenda changes, anything from my activity to the weather is reflected in the different evolving sensations and thought narrative bubble that I hold myself to be.

I know difficult feelings and experiences will still arise once I have seen. They are part of life. I do yearn though for an end to the painful and unnecessary drama that likes to dictate that all events are part of My life, and who I am is a reflection of experienced events...that there is a self that will preserve memories and develops based on the experiences of being Me. If we could arrange a permanent shift based on seeing through that personalised drama of sensations and thought, that would be handy.

Turn towards 'Iain as a thought'.

I feel a bit stuck, as though I've moved towards taking this on as a new belief, rather than any depth of seeing that Iain is just thought.

Turn towards 'Lack of control of the future'.

This remains a biggy for me. I only realise now how much I am in fear of not holding some control of how my life unfolds in the future, and yet there never ever was an I that held such agency and it must be so freeing to see this. Quite a conundrum.

They are not jewels beyond reach; they are here and now. What could possibly be telling you otherwise?

The biggest barrier seems to be that general thought sensation that the feeling of aliveness radiating from my abdomen remains somehow me. Thought stories add to this, and substantiate it. I'm not sure if it is fear, simple laziness or frustration at how difficult it is to see, that holds me back. Iain feels real. 'Illusion Iain' feels made up. How do I turn these around?

Love, Iain

[Nina45]

Hi Iain!

Control is imaginary.
Consider how things happen minute by minute. There may be a commentary going on in thought, but how to things happen?

How is a coffee or tea chosen?
How is a cake chosen?
To drink or not to drink alcohol?

What does thought say? And what actually does the choosing?

How easy is it to change a habit?

How easy is it to change the route home from work?
What decides?
What does it feel like?

Best of luck

Nina

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Season's Greetings to you and family x

Consider how things happen minute by minute. There may be a commentary going on in thought, but how to things happen?

Agency is like a wider encompassing storyline, in which Iain feels he can act, and I myself is like a compelling central core story line.

There is a warmth, reassurance and familiarity to agency that cuts to the core of the self story. I feel an anxious urgency to act to contribute to the flow of events to ensure things don't go wrong. The illusion of control whispers to me that things will be okay.

I feel as though I can reach out to others, thinking I can pull them into My story.

What does thought say? And what actually does the choosing?

My many autopilot behaviours point to the simplicity of life simply happening. Life has been unleashed and rushes forward in a torrent. There is powerlessness against its onwards endless force. There is no end to the flow of sensory experience. Ideas of control over experience are antithetical to the nature of experience.

Branches in the road present themselves. Sensations arise and get labelled and a feeling of choice comes up. The reigns of thought-control were never really held in the first place.

Love, Iain

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Control is imaginary.

I love this as an idea, and wish I could dive right into it and experience it, but will be honest and say I'm still very much in control, not sure how it could be otherwise?

I'm keen to keep looking though.

Love, Iain

[IainB]

Dear Nina,

Happy New Year to you and family X

It is tempting to say I plan to try harder at seeing this year, but know such constructed efforts are the opposite of simply looking right at what is already not here.

It helps me to remember that the thoughts I experience are not my own. That allows me to feel right into that alienness of having captured a part of life, and tried to call it my own. Remembering that they are simply thoughts, unowned, lets me glimpse towards the lack of an owner.

Love, Iain