Hi Luisa... thank you for these
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No not for 'me' or any other individual...
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The narrator or commentator has had a very dominating role within thought, as thought in the past and some of those thoughts were '"so here you are having a coffee, here you are taking to the barrister - gee they kook great today and how wonderful that they arrive at work so early to make coffee with the three children at school" and by now the coffee is drunk without much tasting of it or even of any enjoyment because the narrator was rabbiting on... However, certainly I believed that I I I I I had a coffee because I told myself so and so it must be true that there was an I to have a coffee, talk to the barrister - open the door for someone coming in or whatever... who or what else could it have been?!!!
Historically this commentator has been quite critical over the years, but less so for some years now, but this helped create self-consciousness which helped solidify the 'I'... then 'I' for decades sought relief in spirituality creating an 'I' who sought the end of suffering or the 'peace that passes all understanding' and when that happened there would be an 'I' to enjoy it!!! Subtle and not so subtle stuff that appears to arise in thought and then thought believing thought... Thought making itself the ultimate authority and the speech writer for 'I', 'me', 'mine'... Bless it!
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
So as mentioned I've been involved in supporting a funeral for an elder of a community that I have belonged to for 40 years... one of the stories that the narrator has told 'me' is that 'I' don't like large groups of people - particularly over long periods. Now this funeral has gone over six days and the woman concerned was from a large family who had five children herself and many grandchildren and I've been in their company for three afternoon/nights and one full day... In the middle of that I offered a days retreat to 24 people and so another two days were preparing for that... What I noticed was that during the first two evenings with the family 'I' was able to just be there - not observing what was going on as I may have once... but being present to what was, quite a difference, so there was less effort or no effort so less tiredness - although given that they also lived an hour and a half away by the time I was home there was tiredness, but way less narration about it. Also no one to then say 'oh how fantastic less narration'...
The retreat day was full on and again resting in AE much of the time there was way less effort extended... then back to the family again where by now it had swelled as it was the night before the final funeral service... and again less effort required to be there as there was way less narration... and when there was narration it was just that - narration, not something that had to be believed as the truth teller...
Right now there isn't narration about what is getting typed... or pride or relief or... nor is there disappointment or concern or boredom or... because there can still be appreciation but in AE not mediated by telling stories about it.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I'm wondering here if 'look' means got in touch with LU... 'I' can't take any responsibility for that as opportunities arise and how is it that one is on a website of someone who says that the LU website is worth looking at and so I did and it felt like the next thing to do in that moment... as it happened I also had a session with Elena at that same time - a day before this process began... being open to what opens up...
5)
Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control
.
Thinking mind loves this question as it starts to narrate a response! However then resting happens... a few moments/minutes just sitting poised at the keyboard. No I don't feel in any way there was an I responsible for resting for a few minutes... just resting happened. I don't feel right now I'm making up responses to this... just typing is happening. Where is the control? There is no control necessary, there is no I to use 'free will' or choice... there is next action but not a control tower barking orders... There is a wee dialogue 'what if this isn't the way to respond to the question' but then there was no I who engaged with that thought... just say it - then wrote it... its passed, now there is the sound of wind, typing, keyboards, car... remembering a call needed to be made at 9am... so do that, have breakfast, read a paper, back to this... A thought comes up - "I wonder what I'd do after 2pm?" the thought bubbles up, noticed, bubbles die down... sound of silence... sound of wind... No control or free choice in this, no intention or decision... also no sense of fatalism (a thought I know) whatever that may feel like... no feeler...
What makes things happen? How does it work? Give examples from experience.
I might have to this above... Things happen, rather than a what or a who making that so... Life... which might just be an explanation of things happen...
What are you responsible for?
I'm not responsible for any of it - and there is an opportunity seeing there is a body and a mind at play here... and there is an opportunity to go along with it and play... - here mind come in... it is experienced as both/and... before chop wood carry water, after chop wood carry water... yes a person observing may see it the same... and the carrier of the water is just carrying water, no 'I' doing anyone a favour, just chopping wood... this is difficult to describe because there isn't a sense of nihilism here or fatalism... quite the opposite and also no 'I' to be nihilistic or responsible... however in the moment there is a response... so just respond.
6) Anything to add?
There is remembering a moment a few weeks ago when I suggested that life might need 'me to co-operate' with it - to give it some guidance - kind of bring it up to date with whats going on... and Luisa you challenged that assumption!!! I laugh about it now... but that was a big moment of seeing through self - previously thinking there needed to be some 'cooperation' from 'my' side in regards to everything that happens... who'd have thought!!!
Be well indeed... Sophia
