Hi Kay,
I have no further questions, thanks.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No, there is definitely no separate entity ‘self’, ‘me’, ‘I’ at all and there never was, which would explain why no matter how much I looked and tried to find something, nothing at all was ever found. Literally nothing can be found.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
As a baby there is just awareness, there is no sense of a 'self' or a personal identity. From the start we are labeled with a name, are referred to as this name over and over and this creates, I think, the first idea of a separate 'I'. From there we are taught to separate everything we see into words/labels and so this creates even more of a sense of separation and verification of a separate 'self'. We are taught the ideas of good/bad and right/wrong and that we must look at everything with this filter. So we take on ideas of shame or guilt. We are assigned certain behaviors by others and labeled in such a way...'Sherri is stubborn or quiet or obstinate' and we learn to identify these as the particular characteristics of our separate 'self'. This is added to throughout the years until we very strongly identify with these and believe that they are actually us. Very quickly we have a whole story around an 'I' that we believe is us and have been conditioned by parents, peers and society to believe in implicitly.
How it works is that it is only content of thought and can only be sustained as long as it is believed to be real.
As I ‘see’ it now…. it is not there to see. It never existed, there was never anything there all along, the greatest ‘joke’ in the universe indeed. It amazes me that this fact could escape detection for so long and I wonder at all the effort it took to sustain a state of ‘not seeing’ what is so obvious. All the effort to believe in something that simply does not exist and all the stories that divert attention from looking, and cover up this fact.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
To know there is no self is an immense relief. I feel like I can/have dropped believing the stories and drama now because that is all not true, I have seen the truth and I no longer need to buy into any of it.
Nothing has changed in life, all is as it was. But I do feel completely different, though it is hard to pinpoint exactly how. I do feel lighter like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Thoughts are much less and all is quieter, like a good part of ‘me’ is just gone, though it is by no means silent. Thoughts still rise, emotions are still felt, though much less then before.
There is a strange unexpected contentment with the ‘now’, an enjoyment of the simplest things and a background excitement about life and a feeling that everything is just absolutely fine how it is. I have moments of joy and laugh a lot more, a laughter that just seems to rise out of no where sometimes. The body feels lighter, calmer, like a load is lifted off it. Something that I still marvel at as it was so unexpected. There is less fear and less ‘I’ thought overall. I feel an excitement as to what will unravel from here.
Everything seems calmer, there have been opportunities to engage, but it has been extremely easy to not be pulled in. The knowledge of no self is kept present and looking happens almost constantly now.
I now fully understand the Santa analogy and how apt it is and how once seen it cannot be unseen. My understanding of ‘no self’ is just like this, I feel, and has been absolutely consistent, even when I had doubts. I don’t know how to describe this with words, it is beyond a ‘knowing’, it is an ‘absolute’...urgh...words are so limiting. I can really see how that Santa analogy is the most fitting description that can be used. Before, I did not ‘get’ that analogy at all, only an idea of what it must be at a thought level. I can also now really see the difference between if I had talked myself into believing that I had seen, and actually seeing.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The exact point was when I suddenly realized that the body was moving without a ‘me’ making it move. It suddenly became very clear that no ‘self’ was required to do any of this and that ‘self’ was not needed in any way to exist..it didn't exist! Literally not. What stood out so much was that it was so different from what I had expected such a realization to be and feel like, The actual experience was nothing that thought could have come up with, as what such a thing would be like.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
There is no decision, intention, free will, choice or control, only thoughts about such things. All that exists is now and all that is happening is now.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things just seem to happen, just flow along. At this point I couldn’t say how it all happens, it just does.
What are you responsible for?
‘I’ cannot be responsible for anything, there is no ‘I’. Something that does not exist cannot be ‘responsible’ for anything.
Yet things that need to be done are still done, there is zero fear or anything to fear on that account.
Give examples from experience.
Just today I was returning an item that had arrived damaged to Amazon. I got the return label printed out at the local library, took the parcel to store that handles couriered returns. The assistant said that was the wrong label and they could not take it back. A thought arose that the only option was to return the long walk home and contact the seller to try and get the correct label.
I left the store and started back. As I passed the library, without thought, decision or intention to do so, the body stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk. Put down the large bag that contained everything to make the return, and dove straight into the bag pulling out one of the many printouts in there.
My eyes were immediately drawn to a previously unnoticed line on the page...an url to find and print out the correct return label. I went into the library, found the website, printed it out and made the return.
What was noticed very clearly was that there was no thought, no intention and no decision at all prior to this taking place. It just happened.
6) Anything to add?
I am happy to delve further into this if you feel that needs to be done.
Just wanted to say thank you, Kay, with all my heart. Your direct, no nonsense pointing has kept me on the straight and narrow. Forcing me to ditch the waffle and many diversions and just LOOK at what IS...right here and now.
Love,
Sherri
