Hi Jon,
How you doing?
Yes. Except, that sounds rather like an 'I' 'experiencing no self'....Is it true that someone, 'a person' 'has' the experience' of no self?
Or is it more that having exhausted all possibilities and hiding places it becomes clear that the self had never really 'existed'?
I don't really know how to define the experience. At the time if felt like all hiding places were exhausted so a glimpse of no self became apparent. But I don't assume, it may have been possible that the self convinced the self that there was no self just to make sense out of this. I cannot be sure, however it was very useful for me to have the experience and it certainly helps sustain me.
...thoughts. They appear but do you 'have' them? Are they 'yours'?
I am back to the regular exercise yesterday and today - not trying to force or push it, just noticing.
I notice that the sense of self seems to be IN the thoughts - even the most subtle thoughts (what I call pre-thoughts, but still thought like). The 'narrator' who comments on things, or the 'boss' who dictates what is to happen, or the experience of having arguments in my head. The thoughts can sometimes parachute into my mind or other times come up in a slow subtle way (as if meaning arises out of the sensations in my body, or other ways). This though 'voice' or 'knowing' seems to harbor the sense (or illusion) of self. Thoughts do their own thing, I don't choose them, however it is possible to work on stopping or reducing or diverting thoughts with intention (like in meditation) however intentions are tricky because the intention itself can grow legs and run up the walls turning into a thought itself.
I also at times get a sense of self in my solar plexus, and/or in my eyes (more like just behind my eyes). The sense of self from these bodily sensations are more inclined when I'm in a less relaxed state of being. When my mind or body sensations seem busy. It is like there is a belief that there is a self in there. However if I go and investigate to see if it is there, then there is nothing.
On another level, in a general way of thinking I now hold a conviction that there is no self. I generally belief that there is no self. Of course that belief has not permeated into me, it exists on a reflective cognitive level. Not on a deep cellular level, but it is a belief that I don't find myself arguing against and makes sense to me - this is helpful with intentions and motivation. I also a feel reduced anxiety and frightfulness about its consequences for when/if I make it through the gateless gate.
Look forward to next installment,
M
