Live my life from place of oneness and integration of all including my physical body without separation

[Bernadette]

Hello Andrei,

Yes, I continue in my observations of separation of sensations and labels and thoughts.it is very helpful for me to work with emotions this way. What you said in the 2 nd paragraph about living a fairy tale, has clarified a great deal for me. Suddenly I realised that this is exactly what I have been trying all my life and the kind of life I have lived so far, resulting in tremendous amount of frustration and also suppressed emotions - these dating back to my childhood onwards,.....I am allowing these to come to surface doing my best to allow them be without labels, stwying with them,.... just to adapt a soft, more gentle approach has been an achievement ( so far have pushed and pushed everything in my life ... and also anything that has come my way I either " went for by head on collision" or " collapsed". Attachment and holding on, grabbing are there as well. As if theree is no other way. Still not clear on how to deal with whats coming my way, ie differently to either "head on collision " or "collapse " - part from my habitual patterns.
Yes, I am looking at the sadness revealing great deal of frustration, this is what am going through.

At the moment cannot really see what it is when you say what life has actually to offer and it is a lot if you focus on small moments. It feels almost as if I would not know where to start looking, never have done this, yet really would like to live this way.

I have looked at the sensation of grief, angst, fear,.... and compared with sensation of loving, like,.......both beforee labals and thoughts about these attached. Is it part of our conditioning that the sensation associated with positive emotion ie love is " warming" and of the negative emotion - sensation uncomfortable as if do not want to go there. .???
I did my best to compare just sensation before added ideas.....

Re experience of pain

Very interresting that the suffering is caused by wanting the moment ,when pain is happening, to be different
Also very strong aggravation of suffering when this attributed to "me" "I" suffering is definitely amplified
Interestingly yes, realisation that it is my suffering, realisation MY negative sensation - makes it something that really matters,- i have found this withing right now- never thought of it this way- this then leads to specialness, ie i have this experience whilst others might not,....separation.....keeping me " stuck" more and more in the circle....of suffering

Thank you
Love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Very nice looking Bernadette! From your words it looks like the frozen parts of your life begin to thaw and flow again.

Still not clear on how to deal with whats coming my way, ie differently to either "head on collision " or "collapse " - part from my habitual patterns.

It seems that you are trying to invent a better strategy of "how to deal with what's coming my way". Instead, next time when you feel an urge to decide "how to deal", try locating the source of that impulse. What drives it? What or who is that which wants to be in control, "to deal", and believes it is within its power to do so? Going back to the exercise with raising your hand, you believed there is "you" who decides which hand to raise and when, but you could not find her. Now apply the same search to that which puts itself in charge of "dealing with life". Please look at the sensations representing it and describe them to me.

At the moment cannot really see what it is when you say what life has actually to offer and it is a lot if you focus on small moments. It feels almost as if I would not know where to start looking, never have done this, yet really would like to live this way.

Look at your hand and notice how quickly you get bored and switch attention from seeing the hand to thoughts about the hand - or anything else. But then look back at your hand again and really pay attention to what you see before thoughts kick in. Have you ever study your own hand with undivided attention? It's a world of experience. Try it.

Is it part of our conditioning that the sensation associated with positive emotion ie love is " warming" and of the negative emotion - sensation uncomfortable as if do not want to go there. .???

Now look just at the sensation that you label as "do not want to go there". When you are fully giving attention just to this sensation, what other "there" exists where you don't want to go?

Love,
Andrei

[Bernadette]

Hello Andreei and thank you

Yes, one might say that I am " waking up" part of my being, opening up parts that have been shut down for ages so I can embrace all as part of the whole, wholeness.

Yes, I realise now, from your response clearly, and thank you for this, that I am still loking for a way to deal with the " stuff" whatever the stuff might be. I n my answer I meant one aspect, more like an answer to how to deal with what everyday life brings, ie whats coming my way, albeit people, things, task, jobs to do, maybe even thoughts, ideas,.....Bernatte observed whilst meeting people, certain people she meets " like head on" , like resistence against resistence, certain people she meets like " giving up,succumbing to somebody in authority, or perceived as somebody to follow eg a teacher". I am aware of this being partly related to emotional imaturity, coming from childlike emotions, child needing parent to reassure, approve, also child pleasing the parent in order to be acknowledged, accepted,....seems as if the childhood has not been completed ie would normally progress into adulthood, adults being responsible for themselves, not needing approval or reassurance as no feeling of insecurity or inadequacy.
Need for reassurance and approval particularly. Looking at this the way we looked at sensations, I can find a sensation there,
the thoughts about it add on " this is needing reassurance" and claiming this is " my" " I" experience completely fixes this in as mine and so far my strategy was for anything like this as this needs to be " dealt with" ie looking for a way how?
Is this how to look at this? you would say? Would this be the way to deal when any of these pop up?
The other thing I noticed is that a good deal of " my" sadness is due to disappointments that things are not going " my way", how I would like. Yesterday an issue of rely on somebody came up and I realised that there is nothing including people one can rely on this earthly plane. .? What do you say?

" who or what is it that wants to be in control and believes it is in its power to do so" it is the part which wants to fix things habitually, as if what is is unacceptable, this is conditioned also by my parents, needing things to be different, as you mentioned, " we live a fairy tale life" this has been running most of my life so far,
The answer - i'd say " mind" ie thoughts that one can be in control, claiming it is " me" or that " I" am in control nails it to be mine experience and my thinking, ie " I"therefore need to be in control.
Sensations of part that wants to be in control - feels like "surge of warmth or pressure" , gush of pressure going up to my head with tightening of my abdomen and shallow breathing, generally tensing up. Feel it right now, feels cery familiar a well practised pattern! Makes me feel very uncomfortable now.
Sensation of " i do not want to go there" - again tightening in my abdomen and diaphragm, shallow breath, underneath this, is just a vague sensation which when I compared with sensation of love ( when I looked through deeper or underneath the conditioned response of love being warming, strengthening emotion) i found same sensation? Like something is happening there. Can we really strip all emotions , positive and negative, to the same type of sensation they might create, and the resulting differences are just a product of thinking and conditioning?

I shall try the to experiment with the undivided attention to my hand and will report. This is a good starting point.

Thank you for all
Love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Bernadette,

It feels like you are wavering too much into mental self-analysis again. Let's put all hypotheses aside for now and keep it really simple.

how to deal with what everyday life brings, ie whats coming my way

Can you detect the facility that is to deal with it? Whose way it is coming? Please describe an actual entity as you can detect it with senses, and actual direction in which "what" is coming. What sits there at the end of that direction/arrow?

Need for reassurance and approval particularly. Looking at this the way we looked at sensations, I can find a sensation there, the thoughts about it add on " this is needing reassurance" and claiming this is " my"

Can you describe the sensation? How is it different from any other sensation in any critical way? The thought that is is "you" - is it true, or does only appear true?

Sensations of part that wants to be in control - feels like "surge of warmth or pressure" , gush of pressure going up to my head with tightening of my abdomen and shallow breathing, generally tensing up. Feel it right now, feels cery familiar a well practised pattern!

Sure it is. It has been repeated so many times. But does this familiarity make it true? Notice the sensations and put them aside. Sensations can't be that which wants to be in control, can they? If not them, what else? Look everywhere.

[Bernadette]

Hello Andrei,

- a "facility ," to deal with it - it is a mind concept, a thought
Whose way it is coming? When I own the facility, then as if it would be coming Bernadette's way. As I do not own the facility, facility being a thought, then i cannot see any way ( a thought again) or anybody's way
Actual entity that I can detect with senses - feels like taking the thought of something coming in my way as reality and believing this thought
What sits at the end/ direction of the arrow - feels like a pointy projection of the mind,?,end point feels like a fixed point which the mind fixes
Need for reassurance and approval- what sensation? - when I strip the idea of both from the added tkinking- then I see now that they both are sensations, like lots of others
The thought that it is "me" - only appears to be true,
Yes, sensations cannot be that that wants to be in control. Behind control is fear which can be felt as a sensation.
Need to control comes from the " ego" it comes from wanting world, things to a particular way the way we want. In truth control does not exist and it is just a mind concept, thought., as we are and cannot be in control over anything.

Many thanks with love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Hi Bernadette,

So how does it feel to realize this? Can you say that there is been a shift in a way how you see your original problem that brought you to LU? Is there still a sense of the same sort of seeking going on?

What sits at the end/ direction of the arrow - feels like a pointy projection of the mind,?,end point feels like a fixed point which the mind fixes

What sits at the other end, from which the arrow seemingly emanates? That which you call "mind" responsible for fixing the point - what is it, in terms of sensations? Can you put aside fabricated mind-constructs that are made up because there "must be something" there and see what is left? Is there definitively something that you can find and point at, saying "that is mind" or are there just experiences that you interpret as "produced by mind"? How do you know for sure that they are produced by "mind"?

For as long as you still get strong feeling that there has to be some central entity "doing all this", keep looking for it and examining anything and everything that presents itself as it - "I", "me", "mind", any fixed central source. Don't just let yourself get convinced that it is not there - look until it becomes clear beyond any possible doubt.

Think about it this way: I invite you to enter an empty room and find a cat in it. Keep looking for the "cat" until you see that there is no cat and no place for it to hide. Be diligent - it will save you a lot of throwbacks into the state of doubt later.

[Bernadette]

Dear Andrei,
Yes shifting is going on in the way I " perceive" what I presented my original idea. I have been practising a lot over past days.
You asked if there is a sense of some sort of seeking? One idea comes to mind straight away, we have touched upon this, ? What is emptiness, does it exist? Is emptiness same as non existence?
I would say now - non existence is a thought?
Does this mean that existence is a thought as well?
Various sensations are part of what we call existence?

Do these questions again come from overthinking.?

" mind responsible for fixing the point" - I see now that there is no such a thing I call " that is mind" , yes agree I have been refering to sensations and interpreted them as such. Same sensations could have been interpreted as something else? And depending on conditioning, programs, perceived emotions,...one can use different description for same sensation?

Yes, I still have a sense of some sort of " central entity" doing all of this, as you put it. On one leve it is still very much about " I" " my mind" ,.....on another level I am beginning, only just, to realise what you are telling me, ie that there is actually no such entity at all? And the whole think is just an idea? Thought?

When the room is empty, how can one find a cat in it? Or prehaps how can find anything it? Even an idea of a cat is a mind construct?- I will keep on going With this exe of the empty room.........

Thank you with love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Hi Bernadette,

Sorry for taking long time to respond. I am on vacation and traveling at the moment.

Does this mean that existence is a thought as well?

"Existence" is a concept, isn't it? For example, first you see your hand, then you come to a conclusion "the hand exists". By thinking about that your attention is no longer on the experience of the hand. It is on thought about it, isn't it? A first-hand experience just got substituted by an abstract thought.

Various sensations are part of what we call existence?

"A part of" - where does this knowledge come from? Do the sensations themselves tell "we are part of..."?

And depending on conditioning, programs, perceived emotions,...one can use different description for same sensation?

Have you ever have the same sensation twice? At the very least, they happened at different moments. Are they really the same sensation, or two different sensations that your thoughts classified as "the same"? Please try to notice how thoughts are playing tricks on you, substituting themselves for reality. Can you eat the same apple twice?

I am beginning, only just, to realise what you are telling me, ie that there is actually no such entity at all? And the whole think is just an idea? Thought?

That goes back to my questions from above. The difference between an actual experience and a concept of it. Is there a unique experience of "I" that is not sensations and thoughts labeling them? Sensations cannot be "you" as a controller. Can sensations do something? Labeling thoughts "I" cannot be "you" either, they are just labels assigned to those sensations. So where else is the "I" that is supposedly in charge of everything? Not an idea of "I", but an actual physical entity, detectable with senses?

Thank you,
Andrei

[Bernadette]

Good morning dear Andrei
There has been a gap since your last entry. I have realised you were on holidays and travelling, so I left some time for that. This was fine as your last entry left me with lots to " recognise" and spend time with. As II have been doing this , I have been reading your entry over and over, giving myself lots of time to observe my days what I actually experience. Hence a bigger dap since my last reply, neverther less have been " working on the issue" intensively and processing a lot.
I am still getting caught in Thinking a lot, at least noticing this more and more now.
Yes, i notice sensations, yes, they are all different.
Yes, I cannot detect a physical body, yes I found a bunch of sensations which I interpret, most of the time, and make them into some mind concept, coknstructs and then make conclusions, decisions based on these.
Yesterday I found a very uncomfortqble tension in my abdomen, felt lot of tension and discomfort, stayed with the sensation all the way until i ended up with experiencing the sensation withuth all the thoughts, feelings attached to it.
I question a sensation which is asking for food, labelled as hunger - here I am still not very clear to distinguish whether this comes from the need of the " physical" or from the " emotional/ mental". I process all the time and would help if know where sensation of hunger comes from or what need to be " fed/ nurtured".
Another area B is not clear at all is TIME. I realised all about time, ie not enough time ( getting tense as a result), need more time( we have been through the need -as created by mind), feeling " pressure of time" and generally About time as an " entity". Got to the point where realise time as such is another label, hence created by mind? Not clear how to live within time and also space which is another area. Time and space go together. We can go beyond time. Can you help Me to with this please.

Thank you for all your support

Look forward to hearing from you
Love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Hello Bernadette,

Nice to hear back from you! We can proceed as fast or as slow as it works for you, not a problem at all. I've been through the hurricane this weekend and lost power, so sorry for the delayed response.

I am still getting caught in Thinking a lot, at least noticing this more and more now.

Let's take a closer look at this.

First, where is "you" that is getting caught in thinking? If I were to rephrase what you wrote as "thoughts are still happening a lot", would that feel differently, yet without any factual loss of meaning?

Second, how exactly getting caught in thinking is a problem? Please say "I am still getting caught in thinking a lot" and notice the sensations that arise. Some of them might be uncomfortable, some very faint. Just notice what physical sensations happen at that moment and signify/symbolize the meaning of this phrase.

Now once you've identified them, if you temporary put these sensations aside, what else remains that makes "getting caught up in thinking" a problem? Not just a theoretical problem, but a real one, a problem that truly matters on a visceral level, that truly feels bothering? Backtrack from the point "it's a problem because it already feels like a problem" to whatever belief is linked to the necessity to have this feeling - I must feel it as a problem because?.. What's wrong with having lots of thoughts?

I process all the time and would help if know where sensation of hunger comes from or what need to be " fed/ nurtured".

Scan through your other sensations and noticeable experiences. Can you see among them anything called "where" that this sensation of hunger can come from? Or does it simply appear? Also, look at the sensations that accompany the thought that hunger "must come from somewhere". What sensations guard the expectation/belief that everything must come from somewhere? What's wrong with things to just come and go, without any "where" attached to it?

Another area B is not clear at all is TIME. I realised all about time, ie not enough time ( getting tense as a result), need more time( we have been through the need -as created by mind), feeling " pressure of time" and generally About time as an " entity".

How exactly time is useful in your life? When concerned about not having enough time, or needing more time, what do you need time for? What is in jeopardy when not having enough time?

[Bernadette]

Dear Andrei
I have just posted you a reply, not sure yu have received it
Please confirm
With love
Bernadette

[apolsk]

Hi Bernadette,

I don't see it in our thread, only my last response to you.

Best,
Andrei