In search of a guide

[Edward Q]

Bodhi,

How do I feel after our initial conversation ?

I feel an openness and clarity through my day. I do not get caught so easily in the thoughts and stories that arise.

Before our conversations, I would endlessly search through podcasts and YouTube videos for the perfect technique to Enlighten "me". I do not feel the need to search for that any longer.

Much of what once filled my day has now lost it's appeal. I would endlessly scroll through my Facebook feed looking for something interesting, trying to find the perfect quote or piece of advice that would transform my life. I can see now that it was all taking me away from this moment...the moment that the truth exists in. It was all an attempt to make me feel whole again. The urge to eat the most delicious food... it was an attempt to loose myself within the experience/pleasure of eating it. In reality, there was nothing that really separated me from any of it !

I am starting to find a sense of joy in the otherwise "labeled" ordinary.


"What do you feel is left to uncover?"

"The seeker" was quite strong in me before our conversations. I guess it is a part of "the seeker" that is worried that I will consider myself done with the search and finish my life not really knowing the truth.

There is fear that I will finish the search and fall into a laziness...that if I am not searching, I am not improving myself.

Looking at what I wrote now, I am starting to realize that there is no improvement that "I" need to make.

I guess I am realizing that what is really needed is surrender. What is left is the need to put the fears aside and just surrender to what is.

-Ed




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[b0dhi]

Hey Ed

I am so completely pleased in hearing your words. A wonderful opening and shift has definitely occurred, and that is gratifying.

Much of what once filled my day has now lost it's appeal. I would endlessly scroll through my Facebook feed looking for something interesting, trying to find the perfect quote or piece of advice that would transform my life.

Aren't you SO RELIEVED that you're not doing this anymore?? :)

I am starting to find a sense of joy in the otherwise "labeled" ordinary.

So there is a new "life" breathed into even the mundane activities? Fabulous!

Looking at what I wrote now, I am starting to realize that there is no improvement that "I" need to make.

No need for "self" help then? :)

I guess I am realizing that what is really needed is surrender. What is left is the need to put the fears aside and just surrender to what is.

Absolutely wonderful to hear!

Now in terms of this last statement, what does surrender mean to you? What happens to control and the attempt to steer life into a particular direction? What about a personal will?

My warmest regards

[Edward Q]

I never really understood the idea of how I create a "me". Looking back, I think the biggest way I had created a "me" is the tension I spoke of. That this tension/resistance was somehow "me" and I had to work hard to fix it. I could not exist unless I was something that needed to be fixed. Now I am letting the idea settle that there is no "me" that needs fixing. Just to be with what is right here, right now and everything will be just fine :)

-Ed


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[Edward Q]

Hi Bodhi,

"What does surrender mean to you?"

I guess for me it means letting go of the idea that there is someone or something that needs fixed.

"No need for 'self-help' then?"

Exactally ! Self-help has literally been my only focus in life since I was just a child. Now that I am realizing that there is nothing to fix, it is a bit disorienting.

"What happens to control and the attempt to steer life into a particular direction? What about personal will?"

I have learned that there are a lot of assumptions that we make. When we don't look closely at what is ACTUALLY going on, it feels like "Of course I have free-will, I am making the choices after all"

When you stop assuming and look at each moment as it happens, it becomes apparent that life is happening without an "operator". The goings-on of life does not need a "me" for it to exist.

-Ed


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[b0dhi]

Hi Ed

Thanks for the answers, great going!

I guess for me it means letting go of the idea that there is someone or something that needs fixed.

Yup, we go through life thinking that if we just polish this gemstone enough, it will turn into a dazzling diamond that is worthy of the great honour of liberation. So more work required, work work work - never ending.

Yet the gemstone's essence has always been that. It has never changed. There has just been this silly delusion at work that the "me" has to become better and someday be good enough. Once this is seen, there is a huge relief. Nothing to fix - nobody to fix it :)

Exactally ! Self-help has literally been my only focus in life since I was just a child. Now that I am realizing that there is nothing to fix, it is a bit disorienting.

The disorientation is a good sign - it means a letting go of old beliefs and stuckness. Enjoy it :)

When you stop assuming and look at each moment as it happens, it becomes apparent that life is happening without an "operator". The goings-on of life does not need a "me" for it to exist.

Excellent observation and great comment!

Well Ed, I'd like you to take some time now to directly look around at life and your new observations of it. Get into nature if you like, watch birds, gaze at clouds, dance in the rain, feel the wind, hug trees...whatever you fancy :) Observe the spaces and the silence. Immerse yourself in life. It doesn't matter if it's half an hour or a couple of days.

See if there is any boundary at all between you and life.

I'll wait for your feedback once you have done this exploration to see if you have any questions. I'll be interested to know if there's anything holding you from the direct realisation that there is no separate Ed, or is this realisation solid.

Much love

[Edward Q]

Bodhi,
I think this is exactly what I need !

It is hard to get out during the week, so In the meantime I will look through our conversation again.

I will report back this weekend.

Take care
-Ed


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[b0dhi]

Hi Ed

Excellent. Enjoy the unfolding.

[Edward Q]

Hi Bodhi

I have been observing life closely this week.

Daily life seems to be less of a struggle and more of an observation of unfolding.
There is a felt sense of emptiness that arises at times throughout the day. There is no judgement present with this emptiness, more of a "No-thingness" if that makes any sense.

When I inquire about the direct experience of life, I search through all aspects and can find no self. There is an openness and clarity that seems to accompany this realization.

When you have crossed the gate, is the whole realization complete ? Is there still a process or settling afterwards? After you cross the gate, is "your" work then done ? There is nothing left to do ?

I made it out for an adventure in nature !
It seems like this openness feels more prominent when I am able to take everything in and not a lot to process.

I was in the middle of the woods.

There were sounds, sensations, sight, an occasional thought, even a thought that referenced a "me". Through all of this, there is nothing present that could own any of it.

So, no matter what is experienced, there is nothing here that can hold it, nothing that can own it. It seems like a flow of life. My question is: "We" have some form of existence here.... there is at least an awareness that is present.

If we do not exist as an entity within this body, not controlling this experience, what then are we ? Awareness ? Consciousness ? And if this is the case, what does that mean during dreamless sleep or death ?

-Ed


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[b0dhi]

Hi Ed

more of a "No-thingness" if that makes any sense.

Yes - it makes perfect sense.

When you have crossed the gate, is the whole realization complete ? Is there still a process or settling afterwards? After you cross the gate, is "your" work then done ? There is nothing left to do ?

For me (and what many report) crossing was just the beginning :) A whole new way of engaging with life began. Once our conversation here is complete, I will speak to you about this separately. What we need to ensure here is that the illusion of a separate self has been realised.

So, no matter what is experienced, there is nothing here that can hold it, nothing that can own it. It seems like a flow of life. My question is: "We" have some form of existence here.... there is at least an awareness that is present.

If we do not exist as an entity within this body, not controlling this experience, what then are we ? Awareness ? Consciousness ? And if this is the case, what does that mean during dreamless sleep or death ?

This is great to hear :) I can see you are ready for further discussions, let's complete this process first.

I'm going to ask you some questions below, please answer them fully and completely honestly:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

[Edward Q]

Hi Bodhi,

" 1. Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me''I' at all anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?"

No, there is life that is happening but there is no 'self', 'me', or 'I' that can claim ownership of any of it. There never was a separate self. There is an experience of sight, sound, taste, touch, smelling and thought but they all arise and fall without a "me" to operate or direct any of it.

"2. Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now."

The illusion of separate self is an assumption. We assume that because there is a past that we have been the "ones" that have directed the events of it. When we carefully look at what is really going on, no self can be found during the rise and fall of thoughts, decisions, personality, the senses.

Life unfolds, and the assumption is that there can be ownership over it. I am not sure when it starts. I assume that it is sometime when you are young and you are mimicking the language and actions of adults.

How did it work in my own experience ?
"I" created a tension within the body. There was a sense that this tension was somehow "me" and needed protecting. There was a story that this "me" was not good enough and endlessly searched for ways to improve this "self".

"3. How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue ? Please report from the past few days"

It feels great to feel this, but also a bit disorienting. Most of what I occupied my time with now has lost its appeal so I seem to have a lot more free time now. Haha

This morning I woke up and was quite agitated. Before our work here, there would be a story spinning about how "I just wasn't getting "It" and I have much more work to do.

Instead, there was a sensation on tension in the chest and head... no story, no me, just what is.... and even though uncomfortable, all was as it needed to be.

What is the difference from before our conversation ? There is now experiencing of life without trying to alter it. Before I would look for ways to make myself feel whole again, that "I" was something that needed fixed. Now life just unfolds and there is no "me" contained in the unfolding.

"4. What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?"

I think it was just slowing down, looking at everything within this experience and realizing that none of it contains a "me"
Also, the realization that the search can be over. That this "me" that I was trying to improve was the very thing holding me back.

"5. Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. "

They all seem like the same thing. They are all illusions that we have control over the progression of life.

"What makes things happen, how does it work?"

I am not sure that we can really know what makes things happen or what is operating behind it all. "We" seem to be here as awareness of it, not directors of it.

"What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience. "

If thought and action arise without a "me", truly we are not responsible for anything.
This is seen in experience when looking for an "I" when a thought arises.

"6. Anything to add?"

I can not express the gratitude that I feel for all of the time and effort you have given me !! Thank you very much !
You have forever changed my life. :)

With deep thanks,
-Ed





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[b0dhi]

Hey Ed

Brilliant, thank you for that. It was an honour and a privilege working with you, thank you for the opportunity.

I have sent you a PM (Private Message). Not sure how it works with tapatalk, but on the browser the PM's appear between the notifications link and your profile picture.

My warmest regards

Bodhi