Too clever? Am I fooling myself again?

[MichielvK]

Hi Alex; first of all; no during problems with my foot; I ran 16km yesterday and all is fine :)

I totally get you with the running-practise. The moment physical strain is accompanied by a story ("why me/ not now/ last week i did ok" etc) all energy leaks away. But when I 'stay' with the strain, as just a sensation or as 'something happening' it doesnt effect the running-routine.

Last week I focused on fears and negative feelings. I had some very busy weeks at work (new project) and I am just exhausted (not physically, but mentally). Especially then, I more easily 'snap' at my kids when they scream and fight, I realise I dont really pay attention to the things my wife tells me etc . This evokes feelings of guilt, sadness, frustration. It also brings op thoughts like 'why can't I just let this be', and this thought triggers a whole lot of nondual quotes which I subconsciously 'use' to 'heal' myself. :) Last week I really tried to 'stay in the gap '(as you called it) while these feelings and thoughts occured. This is hard in the middle of the action!

But afterwards (when the girls are in bed, wife is out for tennis and I'm alone - like now :)) and I let these feelings come - by intoning as you mentioned - there is just experience of sensations. The more I want to examine these senasatiosn, the thinner they get, until they evaporate.

It seems that the feeling of a separatie self is more dominant when there are thoughts empowering the feelings/ emotions in the heat of the moment. In rest (afterwards) it;s much easier to break down exeprience into thoughts (not me)/ feelings (where are they? -gone, so not me) etc.

[Alexw]

Hi Michiel,

Good to hear that your foot has healed again.

I let these feelings come - by intoning as you mentioned - there is just experience of sensations. The more I want to examine these senasatiosn, the thinner they get, until they evaporate.

Yes, ok, good. The next time you are doing this inquiry, when these sensations arise, start looking for the "guilt, sadness, frustration" that in normal day situations triggers a reaction ("snapping" at your kids etc). Look for this "frustration".
When the physical sensations subside, intone the statement again and imagine being in this situations so the sensations do not subside completely.
See also how potential reactions (thoughts about what you would be doing if this were a real life situation etc..) arise at the "far end" of the gap. See these potential reactions but simply leave them alone and come back into the gap - look for the trigger, the reason that makes these reactivity necessary. Look for the anger, the frustration itself.

Alex

[MichielvK]

Hi Alex,

I really took my time for this one.

Doing this exercise I found out an interesting thing. The trigger that seems to make reactivity necessary is almost everytime some kind of dissapointment that these feelings (mostly some form of helplesness) still occur. So there is still this belief that I would have get rid of these unwanted feelings by now. Still an agenda. Still expectations. Damn. But I also see, that these are in itself just thoughts. And since this is discovered, I can more easily see it happen as 'not me' which makes it easier not to react and stay in the gap.

[Alexw]

Hi Michiel,

The trigger that seems to make reactivity necessary is almost everytime some kind of dissapointment that these feelings (mostly some form of helplesness) still occur

Can you please try to zoom in on this "disappointment". Try to see how it triggers a reaction. Can it really do that? How?
Please describe this mechanism in some detail.

Maybe it is already a reaction and not a trigger at all..?

Alex

[MichielvK]

Dear Alex,

Sorry for not responding al those weeks. Fact is; I was fed up with nonduality. All of a sudden I lost interest in it; all this thinking, reading, contemplating... I realized that there were still expectations: if only I could find these final words or insights or advice (from Alex or anyone) then..... and all of a sudden: BAM. End. Ready. Void. No more questions. No more expectations. The crazyness of seeking is seen.

No more questions.

Michiel

[Alexw]

Hi Michiel,

Great! Thank you for letting me know.

Wishing you all the best,
Alex