Dear Nina,
Hello. I hope you landed well- It's taken some time to settle back after the woods for us but here I am again. The questions do seem 'big' but I'm going to trust your invitation to answer as simply as I feel. I'll see where replying takes me.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. I can close my eyes and look for her, look for the 'Hannah' that I thought controlled my world, and she isn't there. There is no one there. And never was. It's not the dramatic epiphany I thought might come, it's the result of all those exercises to really try and see and to realise I was looking for what was not there. Memories are thoughts, like future thoughts and drift in and out without the captain there to control them. So there is a body, there is sensation, there is a past but the difference as I see it now is that amongst all of that there is now no "ME" in the middle overseeing it all.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
To me the illusion of separate self is that there is a 'controller' in my 'mind', in my body and experience that is at the centre and who creates the illusion that I am separate from everything else, that I am distinct and separate from others and things rather than as a flow of sensation and experience that is happening by and of itself. The separate self I created thought it was in charge and also felt the pain of holding tight to stories and to memories and keeping them alive in the now in a way that isn't present and about sensation. I saw the stories and what seemed like very real memories as 'truth' rather than thoughts with the same essential energy as my image of the unicorn. I can see now how my stories are still there but in real, everyday life they have had a light shined on them and I can see them as the workings of my mind and I have loosened their grip and hold in a big way. I can see them coming and they don't have the same validity that they did even two weeks ago. Its been important to thank them for their service and now let them go- as stories that protected or served me somehow.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels simple and clear to see this. It's subtle but it's also huge. I feel relieved, I feel able to come from a much bigger perspective, particularly in relation to Dm. One big marker for me was that for his birthday yesterday I found myself in town buying thoughtful and appropriate presents and actually wanting to and enjoying it whereas a year ago the stories completely shut my heart because they were so real and true to me and I couldn't find the softness or generosity to act kindly toward him. When i started this process- only 5 or 6 weeks ago, I feel that I was being eaten up with hatred and ill will, a righteous anger towards one who had 'wronged' me and my children. That isn't the story today - it doesn't mean i haven't felt frustrated or annoyed but the flavour is entirely different. "Myself' is out of the way and I can be with the reality of the current experience and stop acting and seeing the world through the prism of the story I have decided is the truth. Real things have happened, shock and trauma were felt and by acknowledging that, I can stop the pain i have been causing myself by imaging there is an "I" who holds it all in a big each, in the middle of my being.
[quote4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
][/quote]
I feel like i keep referring back to it but it was the unicorn exercise that finally 'pushed me over'. It was so obvious to me from that exercise that what I have believed to be 'The TRUTH' created by 'Hannah" is just as real as the truth of that unicorn, galloping and cavorting through my thoughts, who felt so real that I thought I d see her flying past my window. Something happened for me then in a profound yet simple way that made me see- of course.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
This is a bit harder for me to describe. Recently, I have been feeling like doors keep opening and I keep walking through where it feels right- lately in terms of work and a new training course I've been offered a place for. 'I' have obviously made moves and efforts but in all honesty, with both these examples, things seem to have just happened. I feel like I have 'accidentally' got this job, even thought i made efforts to an extent, "I' wasn't looking for it and with the course i had no idea, really no conscious idea that applying was even possible for me and yet here I am having been interviewed yesterday and offered a place today after 'accidentally' being able to make the intro in august. So what i am seeing is that the idea that "I' am in control of what happens seems very small and simply not true. 'I' have to make efforts in certain ways, to open myself to flow and process really, but the notion that planning and mapping what will happen seems ludicrous. 'I' have never done that well and yet i always seem to have 'landed on my feet'. At the weekend, being asked to hold the closing ritual- however simply- would not very long ago have created anxiety, the 'shy me' would need to rehearse and practice. This time I did feel a little nervous just before but i also didn't rehearse or freak out, i trusted that what came would be right with a little bit of thought before. And it was. I wasn't attached to "Its' MY ritual" they're looking at 'Me', i could see that i was the right person for the job at the time and I could let it be what it would be, without analysis afterwards. Thats a bit shift for me. Its a relief. anxiety is tiring.
6) Anything to add?
I'm sure there is loads to add. Just writing tonight I feel this energy being released. I'm tired, it's been busy week but touching in again I feel the truth of my experience and what I'm writing and I feel deeply grateful and I have deep sense that this was so the right thing at what has been a potentially difficult time of change for me and my children but we have all coped well and I havent experienced stress. It shoots in the leg the idea that 'this isn't the right time'. If i'd thought it through after the chi fri and not trusted my gut, i'd have found the reasons why i didn't have time for this BUT actually, doing this process through all this big change has held us in a container so that 'I've' barely noticed the big shifts. I guess the me that has created and been drawn to drama has been quietened and there is no separate 'me' to react as i have before. I know the feelings will still come,the stories etc but it's how i meet them now that seems so different.
As someone who has been drawn to 'big experiences' as my truth, the ordinary profoundness of this has been a teaching in itself.
I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and it feels good to be touching in again,
with much love H x x x x
