In a rented house in Brook Street

[Hannapple]

Dear Nina,

Thanks again for your enthusiasm and your detailed response.

I hope the first day of the new job has gone well?

I kept expecting David Brent to appear. It was as expected; there were some nice people. I'm relieved to have got the first day out of the way.

Is the story a about "you"?

The story is about someone's behaviour that affects 'me'. I can also see so clearly how my mood/stress levels/openness etc affect the interactions but part of me believes my stance to be true and objective. It loosens as I loosen.

How does thought respond to this question?

Thought responds to this question by going "oh, 'you'. If I believed there was no 'me' then this story would have little power.

Now, don't look at thought, look at sensation and ask the question
"is this a story about "you"?

Is the answer that arises different, depending on whether thought or sensation is looked at?

Subtle but very different. When I asked the question and tried only to look at sensation, i went to my belly and felt spaciousness and like the story didn't exist. I looked for the 'me' that is so upset by the story and, funnily enough, i couldn't find her. Stressful thoughts had a big part to play in this story.My body isn't feeling it.

Walking up to the get and not getting through. Is there a barrier there? Is the gate locked? Is this a familiar feeling .... that something is stopping "you" from going where "you" wants to go?
Unfortunately "you" can't cross the gate. "You" has to be left behind.
Why can't "you" go through the gate?

Yes, there is some barrier. I don't think the gate is locked. Some subtle barrier that makes me teeter on the edge and then pull back. I do think it's a familiar feeling, something- fear- coming in and stopping me crossing the threshold- whatever threshold that might be. Something stopping this 'me' from letting go is what it feels like. I understand that 'I' can't go through the gate- that's the whole point isn't it?! This 'i' is clinging though.

Ever found yourself eating something without having thought about eating it first?
Ever found yourself in a shop without any thought of needing to go there?
A sort of "automatic" thing happening?
What does thought say when that happens? Does it tell "you" off? Does it get cross with "you"?

I'm trying to connect with examples where this has happened- I can easily 'day dream' (my kids say "Mama, you're doing the dreamy thing!') I can think of times when I'm in a room and don't know why or I'm reading something when I'd intended to do something else. Those things have felt automatic- like the controller was out of the way and the 'dreamer' took over. Thought tries to 'snap me out of it' and remind me what I was up to originally. i'm not sure it gets cross with 'me', just tries to get me back on course. I think my thoughts quite like my dreamy self....

Follow this instruction:

Point to yourself with a single finger.

Where is the finger pointing to?

What is under the finger?

Are "you" under the finger?

"My' face, "my' nose, 'me'! Now it's a loop of me, finger, me, finger. It's pointing to this mass called Hannah.

Under the finger is "hand of Hannah' fingers of Hannah, more Hannah. The more I look, the more distorted and peculiar it looks. Trippy and just 'hand'. The point doesn't look like a point anymore, it's the sensation of sight seeing 'hand'.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'under the finger'? I don't think i am under the finger. I don't sense a me, a Hannah, what i sense is seeing knot of fingers and rings, pink, lines, sparkles etc. I can't feel/sense the Hannah that I would see in the mirror. It is the sense of vision seeing shape.

Find an image of "you" in thought.

Look closely at the "you" in thought.

Find another image of "you" in thought.

Look closely at that image of "you" too.

It is possible to see the two thought images at the same time? Like two playing cards lying next to each other?

Which playing card is the real "you"? Either of them?

NOW LOOK BACK AT WHAT IS LOOKING.

What is there?

Yes, I can see the two thought images side by side. Two distinct 'mes' from different times in my life. So each image represents or is symbolic of an imagined me from my past. A short hand for Hannah. So no, neither is the 'real' Hannah. They are symbols for this Hannah.

I can't find who is looking!!!! I closed my eyes, I smiled as I saw the Hannah's from the past - one from years ago, one from this morning- and I can't find the one looking, the one storing the thoughts and memories. What is there is spaciousness, not controller, no "me' wight he key to the door that holds all the pics, memories and experiences. My thought wants to think there is but when i look, she isn't there.

Thank you Nina,

Love Hannah x x x x

[Nina45]

Hi Hannah!

What would have happened if David Brent had appeared?

The story is about someone's behaviour that affects 'me'. I can also see so clearly how my mood/stress levels/openness etc affect the interactions but part of me believes my stance to be true and objective. It loosens as I loosen.

Yes. The "I" story takes things personally.
Like the difference between Hannah being Asthmatic and there being a disease that makes it difficult to breathe.

Is the answer that arises different, depending on whether thought or sensation is looked at?

Subtle but very different. When I asked the question and tried only to look at sensation, i went to my belly and felt spaciousness and like the story didn't exist. I looked for the 'me' that is so upset by the story and, funnily enough, i couldn't find her. Stressful thoughts had a big part to play in this story.My body isn't feeling it.

The story was probably started by an event/ events that are no longer happening. Is it now only thought that keeps the story going?

Yes, there is some barrier. I don't think the gate is locked. Some subtle barrier that makes me teeter on the edge and then pull back. I do think it's a familiar feeling, something- fear- coming in and stopping me crossing the threshold- whatever threshold that might be. Something stopping this 'me' from letting go is what it feels like. I understand that 'I' can't go through the gate- that's the whole point isn't it?! This 'i' is clinging though.

Really great discovery Hannah!
Have a look for that "familiar feeling" of being stopped or holding back or holding on.
It could be "fear" or something else.
Find the sensation.
Look at the sensation without thought.
What is there?

There is nothing to let go of; there never has been a you and there is no gate to walk through.

I'm trying to connect with examples where this has happened- I can easily 'day dream' (my kids say "Mama, you're doing the dreamy thing!') I can think of times when I'm in a room and don't know why or I'm reading something when I'd intended to do something else. Those things have felt automatic- like the controller was out of the way and the 'dreamer' took over. Thought tries to 'snap me out of it' and remind me what I was up to originally. i'm not sure it gets cross with 'me', just tries to get me back on course. I think my thoughts quite like my dreamy self....

Is the "dreamy thing" something that "you" does in the "Story of Hannah"?

So it is possible to get to a place thought hasn't given instructions for?
A driver isn't necessary.

What exactly is the driver that turns up to "snap you out of it"? Is it possible to find this thought that does the driving?

"My' face, "my' nose, 'me'! Now it's a loop of me, finger, me, finger. It's pointing to this mass called Hannah.

Under the finger is "hand of Hannah' fingers of Hannah, more Hannah. The more I look, the more distorted and peculiar it looks. Trippy and just 'hand'. The point doesn't look like a point anymore, it's the sensation of sight seeing 'hand'.

Great! There is no "hand of Hannah" and no Hannah to be found.

Yes, I can see the two thought images side by side. Two distinct 'mes' from different times in my life. So each image represents or is symbolic of an imagined me from my past. A short hand for Hannah. So no, neither is the 'real' Hannah. They are symbols for this Hannah.

That is great Hannah. Neither of these images is "Hannah".
Look at the image in the mirror of "Hannah". Study it closely for a couple of minutes.

Now, walk away from the mirror.
With eyes closed, see a mental image of the Hannah that has just been seen in the mirror.
Study this image carefully.

Is this the real Hannah?

I can't find who is looking!!!! I closed my eyes, I smiled as I saw the Hannah's from the past - one from years ago, one from this morning- and I can't find the one looking, the one storing the thoughts and memories. What is there is spaciousness, not controller, no "me' wight he key to the door that holds all the pics, memories and experiences. My thought wants to think there is but when i look, she isn't there.

Yes! Exactly!
Thought believes in Hannah.
Did thought believe in Santa once?

Is thought ready to stop believing in Hannah?
Is sensation ready to stop believing in Hannah?

Lots and love and hugs

Nina
Xxxx

[Hannapple]

Hello Nina,

What would have happened if David Brent had appeared?

If he'd appeared It would have had confirmed that I was actually in an episode of The Office. ; )

The story was probably started by an event/ events that are no longer happening. Is it now only thought that keeps the story going?

That's tricky. The story was triggered by events that happened a few years ago now but there are things happening in an on going way that link back- in my mind- to what he did before. To do with my children's Dad and his behaviours that were very real and dangerous. So there is a sense of protection of children that doesn't simply feel like story. I could really use help with this. I am struggling to loosen. There is real 'threat' response stuff in here, some real, some harking back to what happened before.

Have a look for that "familiar feeling" of being stopped or holding back or holding on.
It could be "fear" or something else.
Find the sensation.
Look at the sensation without thought.
What is there?

The sensation feels like a bubbling in my solar plexus. It feels like butterflies, a 'fizzing' in my stomach. A palpitation in my heart.

Is the "dreamy thing" something that "you" does in the "Story of Hannah"?

I guess so but because I'm not choosing to do it consciously, it doesn't feel like I'm there controlling it. It is a moment when I am out of conscious control.

So it is possible to get to a place thought hasn't given instructions for?

Yes.

What exactly is the driver that turns up to "snap you out of it"? Is it possible to find this thought that does the driving?

I'm not sure. I can't find the driver that 'snaps me out of it' or the thought that does the driving. When I'm 'dreaming' I'm in a place of not concisely thinking but thoughts are sometimes there- those thoughts are memories etc so they are thoughts so when I'm dreaming 'I' is still there, just in a more soft focused, less present way.

Look at the image in the mirror of "Hannah". Study it closely for a couple of minutes.

Now, walk away from the mirror.
With eyes closed, see a mental image of the Hannah that has just been seen in the mirror.
Study this image carefully.

Is this the real Hannah?

No. It's a thought of Hannah. i've seen a reflection of 'me' and then what is in my mind is the thought of the picture of me. I'm now touching my face. Nose, cheeks,skin, mole, lump, soft, smooth. That is certainly not the Hannah I see in the image in my head. Touching, just sensing makes the picture of 'me' disappear.

Did thought believe in Santa once?

Yes. And i perpetuate the illusion for my children.....a little magic.

Is thought ready to stop believing in Hannah?
Is sensation ready to stop believing in Hannah?

Half of thought is and half of sensation is. So, no.

Let me ponder those last two. Let me just have them floating around...

With much love to you,

Hannah x x x x x

[Hannapple]

Hello,

Sitting in the park in my lunch hour, under a tree, a gentle breeze, sounds of engines in the distance, leaves rustling above, patches of sunlight and blue skies and yes, sensation is letting go of "Hannah". Sensation is sensing. Tasting, touching, smelling, hearing. In sensation hannah doesn't need to exist. Thought is removed when 'I' am deeply sensing. Thought starts to run a story, then sensing comes back.

X

[Nina45]

Hello Hannah,

If he'd appeared It would have had confirmed that I was actually in an episode of The Office. ; )

It is interesting when a job is new ..... notice how thought tries to figure people out into the David Brents and any number of other characters. No doubt, the thoughts of colleagues are trying to figure Hannah out too! Which character is she? ;)

That's tricky. The story was triggered by events that happened a few years ago now but there are things happening in an on going way that link back- in my mind- to what he did before. To do with my children's Dad and his behaviours that were very real and dangerous. So there is a sense of protection of children that doesn't simply feel like story. I could really use help with this. I am struggling to loosen. There is real 'threat' response stuff in here, some real, some harking back to what happened before.

This is very real Hannah.

There is a real sensation there. Real sensation. And then there is thought which appears to trigger more sensation.
There may be a thought label "fear".
And then the stories.

This is where is becomes tricky because it sounds like what is being suggested is that this is "all story" (as in a fictional account of what happened). If that were the case, we would be "denying" any devastating historical event, such as the holocaust.

There is a middle way:

There are undeniable facts: Events happen. Wars happen. Murders happen. Disasters happen. People are hurt. People die. It is incredibly painful and we find it difficult to know how to live with the pain .... as individuals, groups and nations. Sometimes it is so difficult to "live with" that more conflict and war happens. In simple terms, this is suffering.

It is very likely that in that "living with" or "not living with" there will be a story. Sometimes the story will be very involved and generations long. Sometimes it will be a very simple "how will I ever feel safe again"? Sometimes it will be "We are survivors" or "we will overcome".

Stories are just stories; neither good nor bad. However, it is important that we see them as stories.

What is there is actual experience?
Sensation + thought label "fear" and then maybe a story will follow "this terrible thing may happen".

An animal (avoiding cats!) probably experiences sensation, looks around a bit then goes back to sleep once it knows it is safe.
Humans ruminate endlessly, sleep badly and develop symptoms of "stress"

Is it possible just to experience the sensation, look around, see everything is safe and then continue?
What is it that gets in the way?
Try the relaxation exercise from last week.
Let thought know it is "unnecessary effort"
Ask sensation if there is any unnecessary effort happening.
If there is, stop making unnecessary effort.

Have a look for that "familiar feeling" of being stopped or holding back or holding on.
It could be "fear" or something else.
Find the sensation.
Look at the sensation without thought.
What is there?

The sensation feels like a bubbling in my solar plexus. It feels like butterflies, a 'fizzing' in my stomach. A palpitation in my heart.

Does this sensation have anything to do with being stopped, or holding back or holding on?
Is there any reason why the sensation needs to lead to the thought "holding on"?
Sit with the sensation: do other thoughts follow that have nothing to do with "holding on"?
Could this sensation possibly know anything about "holding on"?
Or is it just a sensation?

Look carefully at the words "holding on". What do they mean exactly?
Do the words know anything about the sensation?

Look behind the sensation.
Look around it
What is there?

Let's stay with the fear Hannah.

It has been seen that "You" is an illusion that can only be found in thought.
Fear is standing in the way of "knowing" this.

Good luck

Lots of love and hugs
Nina
xxxx

[Nina45]

Hello! We have been "cross posting"

Hello,

Sitting in the park in my lunch hour, under a tree, a gentle breeze, sounds of engines in the distance, leaves rustling above, patches of sunlight and blue skies and yes, sensation is letting go of "Hannah". Sensation is sensing. Tasting, touching, smelling, hearing. In sensation hannah doesn't need to exist. Thought is removed when 'I' am deeply sensing. Thought starts to run a story, then sensing comes back.

X

Beautiful Hannah!
Stay with that.

[Hannapple]

Hello Nina,

Thanks for this input. It's very helpful.

It is interesting when a job is new ..... notice how thought tries to figure people out into the David Brents and any number of other characters. No doubt, the thoughts of colleagues are trying to figure Hannah out too! Which character is she? ;)

It is interesting and perhaps predictable how particularLy on day and 2 I did 'reduce' people to my first impressions and those were reinforced over those days. I consciously tried to broaden my experience today and it did make a difference. I know it's a natural human response to a new situation, that I tried to break it down in to 'knowable' chunks- quite the opposite of presence really. Funny, the training today was around unconscious bias, stereotyping etc etc.

Is it possible just to experience the sensation, look around, see everything is safe and then continue?

What is it that gets in the way?

In theory yes, but what if I look around and it's not as simple as that? What if I look, or hear, or I'm told by a little voice that on this particular occasion, it isn't safe? So I hear a particular tone of voice or see a sharp movement and I feel a sharp clenching in my belly, I feel a rapid movement in my body as I turn to the situation. I feel my jaw clinch, energy rise in my body. There is a history of lies of minimising situations by another so I am in a heightened state of alertness and I've been told in the past that I do need to monitor and notice. So now it is hard to know where real sensation and experience begins and ends and where story takes over. Real things do happen like you say.

Have a look for that "familiar feeling" of being stopped or holding back or holding on.
It could be "fear" or something else.
Find the sensation.
Look at the sensation without thought.
What is there?


The sensation feels like a bubbling in my solar plexus. It feels like butterflies, a 'fizzing' in my stomach. A palpitation in my heart.


Does this sensation have anything to do with being stopped, or holding back or holding on?
Is there any reason why the sensation needs to lead to the thought "holding on"?
Sit with the sensation: do other thoughts follow that have nothing to do with "holding on"?
Could this sensation possibly know anything about "holding on"?
Or is it just a sensation?

No, you're right. The sensation is just a sensation. It doesn't actually have anything to do with being stopped or holding back etc. It's sensations- multiple and sometimes strong but the thought 'holding on' does come after. No, I don't think this sensation could possibly know anything about 'holding on'. Other thoughts follow that are around blame, or an angry story or the apparent 'reasons' as to why there is an imagined holding on. i can see that.

Look carefully at the words "holding on". What do they mean exactly?
Do the words know anything about the sensation?

Holding on. Holding on. Holding on. What is holding on to what? As i think about and say the words I can see that there is nothing holding on to nothing. I can really feel that. And i know I have thoughts that create stories around stories I want to hold on to. Perhaps if i wasn't holding on (being kind to myself as well, real events did occur, real action needed to be taken and sensitivity and care are still needed to monitor the situation) the situation would be lees threatening. I know my stories about what happened and what may happen make the now more loaded and more likely for what i fear to come. It's a hard line to traverse between being responsible and careful and holding to tightly' so that what is feared may happen...

I'm not sure the words do know anything about the sensation. The words seem so abstract, the sensation so vital and real.

Look behind the sensation.
Look around it
What is there?

I can't quite access the sensation of 'holding on' because i'm not directly in the situations that may cause the feelings and thoughts. When I look from here, I know the words 'holding on' don't have anything to do with the actual physical sensations. I do know the actions that come from the holding on feeling are not open nd present. they are prescribed somehow- my tone, my swiftness etc.

Let's stay with the fear Hannah.

It has been seen that "You" is an illusion that can only be found in thought.
Fear is standing in the way of "knowing" this.

Yes. I can see that. I'll try and stay with the fear.

Thanks Nina, much love to you. x x x x x

[Nina45]

Hi Hannah,

It is interesting and perhaps predictable how particularLy on day and 2 I did 'reduce' people to my first impressions and those were reinforced over those days. I consciously tried to broaden my experience today and it did make a difference. I know it's a natural human response to a new situation, that I tried to break it down in to 'knowable' chunks- quite the opposite of presence really. Funny, the training today was around unconscious bias, stereotyping etc etc.

It often seems that thought is trying to protect us and keep us safe. In this case, thought is suggesting similarities to other situations and experiences. Thought seems to be trying to help us work out threats and safety in new environments.
Thought is just happening! It's job, it seems, is to offer strategic solutions to difficult situations. It works very hard.
Try LOOKING at thought from a greater distance and notice how hard it works.
Try thanking thought for all its hard work.

[

quote]Is it possible just to experience the sensation, look around, see everything is safe and then continue?

In theory yes, but what if I look around and it's not as simple as that? What if I look, or hear, or I'm told by a little voice that on this particular occasion, it isn't safe? So I hear a particular tone of voice or see a sharp movement and I feel a sharp clenching in my belly, I feel a rapid movement in my body as I turn to the situation. I feel my jaw clinch, energy rise in my body. There is a history of lies of minimising situations by another so I am in a heightened state of alertness and I've been told in the past that I do need to monitor and notice. So now it is hard to know where real sensation and experience begins and ends and where story takes over. Real things do happen like you say.
[/quote]

Hyper-vigilance can be very tiring and stressful. It sounds like sensation and thought are working overtime to keep you and the children safe.
Try LOOKING at sensation and thought from a greater distance and notice how hard they work.
Try thanking these warning sensations and thought for working so hard to keep things safe.

This is what you said right at the beginning of this process:

I'm looking for a dose of reality. I've felt stuck lately, angry and struggling emotionally and like i want and need a way to cut through- to see through- my stories, my attachments and my illusions. I expect to be led toward seeing what is. What really is.

Were there any other expectations Hannah?
Was there an expectation that this process would somehow lead to a place of safety?
That just isn't possible. Things are unsatisfactory, insubstantial and impermanent - there is no place of permanent safety.
But it is possible to see the stories as stories, which can make things much easier.

Does this sensation have anything to do with being stopped, or holding back or holding on?
Is there any reason why the sensation needs to lead to the thought "holding on"?
Sit with the sensation: do other thoughts follow that have nothing to do with "holding on"?
Could this sensation possibly know anything about "holding on"?
Or is it just a sensation?

No, you're right. The sensation is just a sensation. It doesn't actually have anything to do with being stopped or holding back etc. It's sensations- multiple and sometimes strong but the thought 'holding on' does come after. No, I don't think this sensation could possibly know anything about 'holding on'. Other thoughts follow that are around blame, or an angry story or the apparent 'reasons' as to why there is an imagined holding on. i can see that.

Great looking Hannah!

Holding on. Holding on. Holding on. What is holding on to what? As i think about and say the words I can see that there is nothing holding on to nothing. I can really feel that. And i know I have thoughts that create stories around stories I want to hold on to. Perhaps if i wasn't holding on (being kind to myself as well, real events did occur, real action needed to be taken and sensitivity and care are still needed to monitor the situation) the situation would be lees threatening. I know my stories about what happened and what may happen make the now more loaded and more likely for what i fear to come. It's a hard line to traverse between being responsible and careful and holding to tightly' so that what is feared may happen...

Hannah, have a look what the thought stories are trying to protect "you" from.
Is there a possibility that there is a belief that a "you" needs to be there to protect the children, take responsibility and take control?
Thank thought again, for all the protection and care.
Have a look to see what is behind the beliefs, the thoughts and the sensations.
It may feel very unsafe to do so, but try to trust things are safe enough at this moment to look.

Sending lots of love and hugs

Nina
xxxx

[Hannapple]

Dear Nina,

I looked for you at lunch (on here) but missed you by a minute...

Hyper-vigilance can be very tiring and stressful. It sounds like sensation and thought are working overtime to keep you and the children safe.
Try LOOKING at sensation and thought from a greater distance and notice how hard they work.
Try thanking these warning sensations and thought for working so hard to keep things safe.

I have been trying to look and I do know that the hyper-vigilance isn't serving me or the situation but it has been a very real response to a situation that is changing and has improved but is not 'over'. I like the suggestion of trying to thank thought and warning sensations- they do serve a purpose- and thanking them seems to put them at a distance, as something with their own volitions and function.

This is what you said right at the beginning of this process:

I'm looking for a dose of reality. I've felt stuck lately, angry and struggling emotionally and like i want and need a way to cut through- to see through- my stories, my attachments and my illusions. I expect to be led toward seeing what is. What really is.


Were there any other expectations Hannah?
Was there an expectation that this process would somehow lead to a place of safety?
That just isn't possible. Things are unsatisfactory, insubstantial and impermanent - there is no place of permanent safety.
But it is possible to see the stories as stories, which can make things much easier.

I wasn't conscious of wanting to be led to a place of safety. I do know on a deep level that things are as you say, unsatisfactory, insubstantial and impermanent- including the difficult stuff. Conciously, I want and wanted to find a way to cut through as I said, the story that is creating more tension and pain because I'm viewing the current situation through the veil of events from years ago and I'm sure the tension is giving rise to anxiety on the part of their Dad who then can't act in a relaxed manner, so i then have reason to feel on alert. I don't think i believe in enlightenment or awakening as 'heaven' free from dukka. The normal 'failings' of any parent get magnified in his actions because of what happened. it hard to cut him any slack or see his actions with kindness. it hurts me though.

I do know when i see the essential story in one of my 'truths' it does release it. this is a big one to work on but the one that made me really need Liberation unleashed.

Is there a possibility that there is a belief that a "you" needs to be there to protect the children, take responsibility and take control?
Thank thought again, for all the protection and care.
Have a look to see what is behind the beliefs, the thoughts and the sensations.
It may feel very unsafe to do so, but try to trust things are safe enough at this moment to look.

I'm sure there is a belief that 'I' need to protect my children, take responsibility and control. I made real progress when I went to Al Anon around this and the idea that we can't know what people need and we can't do it for them- even our own children- and you writing that has reminded me. I can let go and let them experience their life as it presents itself to them. Perfection and the ideal won't happen. It's been relief to realise I'm' not in control. I have a big story from my own childhood of not being properly protected from my Step Father so this informs what is happening now. I do know the situation is different, I am different etc etc.

I think i need to sit down with gratitude for thoughts and feelings, as you suggest. It creates distance from them, gives them less power but shows their function. I think it's a way for me to go rather than a 'cutting out' or off. This feels important stuff.

Thank you.

Love Hannah x

[Nina45]

Hi Hannah-

Yes, if possible sit down and thank thought and sensation. Try to imagine a friend being present who wants the best for this situation, who brings only love to it.

Look deeply and ask what thought what it is protecting. Don't look for the answer in thought; see what rises from experience.

Good luck!

Nina
Xxxx

[Nina45]

That should read "ask what thought is protecting".

[Hannapple]

Dear Nina,

You'll have to bear with me- my computer has gone for a much needed MOT and won't be back for a week so it's me and my iPad/'phone, neither of which are as easy to quote on etc.


I have been sitting with and thanking thought and sensation. I felt deeply moved, teary and open hearted. Imagining a friend being present helped hugely, feeling someone close who 'has my back' and is here (and I do have those people in real life which made me feel more gratitude) helped me to access the gratitude.

Grief. Tears. When I sat- am sitting right now- with 'what is thought protecting?' I cry tears and feel softness. Not thoughts just tears and vulnerability. I think thoughts are protecting me from more grief, or imagined grief. It's hard to describe because like you say, I don't want to go into thoughts. When I sat with that question I cried. That's all.

Love Hannah X X X

[Nina45]

Hi Hannah,

Don't worry about the quote function! We are beyond that now.

Thought has done an amazing job! It has worked so hard to solve the "problem" of sensations and the "problem" of grief.
Give thought a big hug and say thank you again.
Tell thought that it can have a rest for a while: it is important that the truth is seen now.

While thought is resting, with eyes closed,
have a look through thought for a Unicorn.
Has an image of a unicorn been found? What colour is its tail? Have a really good look at the Unicorn.

Now, with eyes open, look around you is the room for a unicorn.
Look everywhere for the unicorn.
Is the unicorn behind the sofa? Is it on the balcony?
Is it is the airing cupboard?
Look everywhere for that Unicorn.
It may be hiding somewhere.
Under the bed?
Imagine the children looking for a Unicorn.
Where would they look?
Behind the curtains? In the washing machine?

Look until you are absolutely convinced that there is no Unicorn in the anywhere.

Now......
While thought is resting, with yes closed.
Have a look through thought for a "you".
Has an image of "you" been found? What colour is its hair? Have a really good look at the image of "you".

Now, with yes open, LOOK around in all the places that "you" could be hiding.
Behind the ears?
Under the armpits?
The back of knees?
The abdomen?
The neck?
Inside the rib cage?
LOOK everywhere.
Between the teeth, behind the eyes, the soles of the feet.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

Look everywhere until all possibilities are exhausted.

Which is more real?
"you" or the "unicorn"?

Lots and Lots of love

Nina
xxxxx

[Nina45]

for "yes" read "eyes" ...... must be something wrong with the E!!!

[Hannapple]

Dear Nina,

THe unicorn was easier to see and find than 'me, it felt more real! I conjured up my beautiful white unicorn with a white tail, magnificent and proud and saw it's gold horn. I watched it Gallup and its mane fly in the wind. I saw its' power and majesty. And i did go looking for it- in my lounge, under the sofa, through the window. I felt sure I'd see it just passing my front door..... I laughed as I did it. Funnily enough, one of my daughters had been talking about unicorns today so I did imagine I was her really believing it was possible.

Then I went to the image of 'me' in my minds eye and it was much harder to find. I tried to see myself as I look today- the same dress and hair etc but 'I' was faint. I got an image and tried to stay with it and then I did do as you said. I opened my eyes and tried to look for that image again, tried to find Hannah in all the places you suggested. Of course I just found parts of a body- or shapes and lines. I looked in the mirror and saw the face I'd tried to hold in my mind but it bore no resemblance. I noticed a line between my eyes that is deepening and in the soft light, hair not the colour I imagined. I think I get it. The 'me' in my mind, or the 'DM in my mind created by thought or the sister in my mind created by thought is just thought. It's not me.. It's not him. Like the unicorn I created I felt as real as the me I created. A mythical, fanciful creature that I've never seen for real was as real as any other thought I might choose to believe. Like the thought that D deserves my sharpness, my contempt and my distance for past and present actions, is a thought that creates all my behaviours toward him now and thus his in return. I know this to be true and I'm feeling it as true.

With love Hannah X X X X X X X X