Hello Dridhamati,
Any reason why 'objects of mind', aka thoughts, aren't 'in awareness' too?
And, where is this 'awareness'? Can it be located?
No, no reason why thoughts weren't included with sights, sound, smell, taste and touch. They really are with them, just an oversight while typing.
Awareness is unboundaried and boundless. It is in the present even when it isn't noticed. It's difficult to write more than that about it really, as it feels very non-conceptual so words just get tangled up in themselves trying to describe it. But hopefully that gives an indication. Plus there's much more to explore here; to go to a potential 'edge' and see if it continues. Like the universe!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is not and there never was. I would also add that there is no 'mine', as that was something I used to get wrapped up in; 'my anger, my views, my choices'. I look at photos of Mariquita as a child, or of memories, and see she is no more 'me' than anyone else really. There are links in thought and memory, and relationships reinforce that (e.g. my mom is the same as her mom was) but she was no more a separate entity than I am now. It's not possible to be a separate entity when everything- every fibre of being and process- is in constant ebb and flow.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self is a really good, compelling story. It begins from the moment of birth; we take on a name, we learn a language of concepts and labels to give stability and static form to things which are not static and which are formless, we have a role in a family/society/group, we develop likes and dislikes that are 'mine' and these are actively encouraged by other 'selves'. We experience thoughts, feelings and sensations that become memories and we attach to these as 'my experience' and use them to develop further complex selves. I see it all around; I see myself playing the same game with children, friends, people I don't know. Sensations, feelings, thoughts are experienced each moment but they have no depth to them, in so far as they are never identical; hunger is never the same hunger twice, love is never the same love from one moment to the next. So the 'me; is not constant and nothing that is received as information is constant.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
This is a difficult question. As I alluded to in recent posts, there are mixed feelings. Part of me (and it was very 'me' based) wanted fireworks. Liberation is a big word and I wanted big feelings! But as it turned out, it just tipped over. On a positive, I feel freer; moment to moment, there's an opportunity to look, to shift perspective on what's happening. But I couldn't say 'I'm' actively engaging in that shift. The shift- when it does happen- just happens. And that in itself feels liberating. I can relax! It's also positive that there's a sense that this is just the beginning, not the end. That without buying into this fixed self, there's more elbow room, more flexibility to look, less barriers and stories to adhere to and be held back by.
On a less positive, I felt grief. Grief that I had spent years wrapped up in 'me, mine, i' and trying to just become a better version of those things. Also grief that I see despite knowing all this is silly, on a very deep level knowing that, that so much of life is bound up in it that still requires engagement with it. How we communicate with language, how we raise children etc etc. But the grief is lifting, it's just moments now. The years were understandable and probably necessary (and time-bound!) and the way of the world is, is the way of the world and that's OK; there's much beauty and connection in that.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
When I wrote I was frustrated that I'd been giving 70% and I wanted to give 100% and you replied 'it's not about answering 'my' questions' (apologies for potential misquote). I saw the different way you were experiencing the whole process. Then I told a friend I was really struggling; that I was sick of it all and I needed to break through. Retrospectively, much of what I wrote to her was 'I feel, I feel, I feel'. Amongst the pithy things she replied with, a remark of 'you're chasing feelings which are keeping you trapped in a thought-based prison.... What pay off are you getting from it?' hit me. I felt liked I'd been slapped. But I went to sleep, and that was when the experience I described before occurred and when I woke in the morning, that was it really. Tipped over.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I find this tricky to describe. In a nutshell, there is no 'I' to have free will or control. The idea that 'i' am in control is laughable! Things just happen, but that sounds a bit wishy washy, so I'll try this (and I might be really off with this description); I watched a programme a while ago about quantum physics and it talked about quantum probability. I am no expert and I won't go into it but there was a visual illustration of drops of water hitting a lake. These are random and chaotic. Whichever drop bounces the highest is the one experienced. So directed things are really meaningless. An intention can be a flavour but it can't and doesn't 'make things happen'.
Examples from my experience would be that 'i' was very wilful with regards to Insight and meditation and general self-improvement. 'I' would set goals, some big some small, which were based on a decision 'I' had made which at the time I thought was an independent decision based solely on my ambitions. I believed 'i' could make it happen and if I did/didn't succeed this was down to my lack of/good amount of willpower. This view and mode of operating dictated my spiritual practice, exercise, relationships, travels, education choices etc etc etc. And then something fell. There was no drive anymore; 'i' couldn't will things to happen. The word 'surrender' came up. There was no choice; expectations had to fall. There was no other way, there was no momentum left to muster up. Something had shifted. This began to happen a year ago in different ways, but I began listening to it about 6 months ago. Listening to the lack; lack of 'do this', 'in X time you'll be here', 'Y is holding you back'. The thoughts were there but they had less and less weight, because they just weren't holding true. They began to sound like echoes. So from that, I don't think 'i' am responsible for anything. Yesterday/the last moment is the reason why this is being typed now and i'm reflecting on these things, but there's no 'i' that has engineered that, no 'i' to pat on the back.
6) Anything to add?
Just a thank you, really. But a deep thank you. Although things seem to have been shifting before I came to this forum, our dialogue has given a really beneficial and clear format to the whole thing. And a big shift from when I started to now is that I see this is the beginning, not the end. And there's real optimism about that; to looker deeper in each moment, or in some cases, to look lighter at each moment! Thank you for your patience and kindness; I never felt silly or clueless, in part because of your approach but also because you were very clear about the importance of looking for myself- nothing could be spoonfed to be really known.
