Hey Kay!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Nope. Never.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Social conditioning that happened during our youth, labelling everything so we can communicate.. and somehow, the social conditioning crept in, and said "i am doing this", "i am this". Now, i see it as just some thoughts. There is the body, there are the sensations/thoughts, but the "self" isn't real. The body moves, the thoughts pop up, but those aren't "me".
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I'm still "coping" with it, haha. I am noticing a lot of conditioning, and thoughts of something more. But there isn't anything more, and there never was. I've been actively digging around anything that arises, and even though there still is "uncertainty" and "theres more!" feeling, there is a feeling of growing peace. It seems i've started digging in my sleep aswell.. i remember that i was half awake, and that there was a feeling of digging around, and then..i don't know how to describe it.. like the world, everything was just a big ball of something nice, haha. Feelings of bliss and peace were there. Doesn't really matter though. Why would it matter, when there is no self? Just something interesting to share, haha.
I've also been "thinking" of something. Sure, there is no self, i see that. What about all those meditations, practices etc. For example kriya yoga? Nothing can really get "better", "enlightened" and all of that, since the self isn't there. So whats the purpose of it? Interestingly, there are still thoughts of wanting to "dig around" for meditations, practices etc, even though i can see there is no self, and that those are just thoughts and bullshit.. for no real reason though. There aren't really thoughts like "for enlightenment" but more like "why not?". And even those are bullshit.
All is bullshit, only experience is real (shall we call it the bullshit philosophy? hahaha).
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I wouldn't say "pushed me over", it was more of a constant, steady progress, until i realized to just look. There really was no act of "pushed over", there just is no self, that's it. It's stupidly obvious. No "crashing the gate", no angels trumpeting the magnificent enlightened person, just no self. Surprise. It's all just thoughts and bullshit. Persistent bullshit, but bullshit. Just needs constant looking, i suppose.
Oh and, the thing that helped a lot was that one sentence - "only sensations, and thoughts themselves are real".
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Well, all of those are pretty much buuuuuuullshiiiiiit. Haha, i just had a moment of brilliant stupidity. I didn't know what to write next, since there really isn't much to say about those. All of em are just thoughts, social constructs..
There still are thoughts about them, but those are just thoughts ;)
Nothing makes things happen. It's all just a nice, steady stream of experience.
Who? Me? I don't see anyone responsible.
Examples.. hmm, when walking home from my classes. Legs walk on their own, even if looking is happening, or thinking is flowing, legs just walk. Just sensation of walking. Just experience.
6) Anything to add?
Yup. All those thoughts, social beliefs/constructs and all the other bullshit. How do they keep functioning? Even if it's seen that they can't function, since thoughts cant function, there still are things "underneath it all" that need digging and looking, looking at every little detail. It all just needs looking to be seen completely through, but why? Why is it so "persistent"?
Also, after all this, i guess i'm just gonna keep digging around, uprooting anything i can..
Oh and, thank you Kay, for being persistent and everything. You're awesome :)
Love, Sadhu
