Hi Fred
At last, here it is.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is no self, no me, no I. Not within me, not within anyone. Looking back there is a story of a me, of different experiences that thoughts connect together that creates an idea of a me, of a separate self. The same with planning in relation to what will happen - there are thoughts that attach planning or images about the future to a mental construct of an I that is in control of these imagined coming events. But looking here, now in this moment. There are sounds, images, feelings, thoughts, all passing through, but nowhere an I that is experiencing all this, there is just experience.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
To me the idea of an I seams like a map, a tool that I use to guide me through different experiences, and for interpreting and communicating these experiences to other beings. This idea of an I evolves through conceptual thinking, where I use different symbols to represent the reality. This is quite good because it facilitate communication or cooperation between myself and other people, and also makes it possible to make different experiences meaningful, eg. "There is pain in my foot, because I got a rock on it", or "can you pass me the salt". The downside though is that I, and most people, start to rely on these symbols as they are the reality instead of mental constructs that guide us through the world.
The process of creating this idea of the self starts more ore less immediately when we're born. From my own experience I have seen myself as an individual separate self, with at least an idea of being in control over my reality, as far as I can remember and it's hard to tell when it starts. Looking at parents with there kids though it's quite easy to see this process. How different experiences of the kids are being labeled with a personal prefix "are you hungry", "do you want that", and so on. And this is not a bad thing, and it's not a good thing either. It just is, that's the way we make the world and our experiences into something that is possible to understand. But some of the consequences of this personal attribution do have negative side of it. We start to believe in this I, that it is in control, that it do have an will of it's own, and that it is something to be realised or found - that it is the essence of us.
And to maintain this idea we - or I, to get back to my own experience, label things and experiences with good and bad according to whether it is according with my idea of myself, my I. I seek experiences that makes the I stronger, and reject that which threatens my sense of I (eg. seeking spiritual experiences cause I am a spiritual person). And I search for the true meaning of this I, trying to find my true self, and sometimes it really feels like I'm closing in that I got it. But this feeling of really be myself never lasts, cause it's just an illusion. So the search just continue forever and ever.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Relief - som kind of peace. This feeling come and goes though. Quite often there is no difference, but at times it is a new peace, and also a difference on how sensory inputs is being experienced. The peace comes from an understanding that there is no point in searching, striving, controling, everything just is the way it is.
At these peaceful moments there is even a peace in quite troubling feelings. Its not comfortable, but at times it's like there is no resisting to whats going on, no trying to control. For example, I went with a train that was extremely hot the other day for about nine hours. And instead of fighting the heat, there was just heat. The heat was heat and nothing more, like the focus wasn't on me be being hot and instead on just the experience of heat.
The difference is not huge though, and the attribution on whats going on to an I can still be quite strong, especially when it comes to interacting with other people. A guy tried to fool me yesterday for example, making me upset, clearly more upset than if this would have happened to just anyone. Looking from outside I can see that he plays his part in fooling tourists, and I play my part as a tourist. But in the moment, there is some kind of narcissistic violation that he had the nerve to try to fool ME.
I've been through this experience of relief or peace before also, after retreats and the stay at the monastery. But compared to those times I would say that the difference now is that I have a greater understanding for what's going on, a different language for it, that makes it easier to see that the peace comes from relying on whats going on right now, instead of thoughts about the future or the past, or what I have to do.
Another example is from sitting in a park the other day, there were kids running around, I was sitting in the grass, there were birds flying in the air, the weather was hot. And it was like there was no difference between my sensory inputs and what was going on. That everything I experienced was just that, experiencing, there was no outside or inside, there were no birds flying outside nor inside, there was just birds flying. And in that moment there definitely were no me, not anyone watching or listening, there was just sounds and views.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
From what I remember it was two different things that pushed me over, bit by bit - if I am over, I'm not totally convinced of this still. The first was seeing that there is no letting go to be done, that this process is not a new strive towards a goal, that what needs to be done is more stopping thinking that there is something to be done. I find it hard to put this into words though, cause it seams like a negative act (as in not doing, not as in a bad thing), and even stopping is an active, positive, thing to do.
The major one was looking into the moment when I make decisions, and the impossibility to find this moment. This was kind of an eye opener, and also held some frustration - the fact that there isn't actually any decisions being made, at least not the way I used to see it.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are 'you' responsible for? Give examples from experience.
There are no decisions, no intention, no free will and no control. Things happen as a reaction to what goes on around and inside. And like anything else, emotions and thoughts are reactions to something else. The control, the intention and the free will are the mind, or the thoughts, that claim to be in charge of what just happened or what the thoughts about what will happen. Since everything is just reactions there is no responsibility to talk about (at least not from a philosophical perspective, from a juridical perspective the idea of personal responsibility might still have a role to play).
I've been trying to find examples in the past days, but the more I'm trying to find situations where I make decision, or where I have some kind intention, it just getting more obvious that these are just thoughts thats being attached to a certain situation. For example. I'm out travelling at the moment, by train, seeing some different places in Europe - which means quite a lot of decisions about where to go and where to spend the night. And also quite a lot of discussions with my travel partner. Yesterday we were choosing whether to stay in a busy small town or a small house on the country. Immediately in this situation thoughts come up, about my intention, what I want, with mental images - or mental imaginary feelings of how it would be to stay at the different places. After a long discussion we landed in a decision, or rather we picked one of the places (the quiet house) and went there. And looking back it seems like we made a decision, based on our intentions and intellectual reasoning, and that I was a part in this. But in that moment, it was nothing like that, the decision just happened. Of course all the thoughts earlier had a part in it - and what I call intellectual reasoning, but this does not make it a decision by some unitary and separate self, or by free will. Actually the feeling is that the decision more or less came to us, rather than that we made it. And I would say that this apply to all the choices earlier on the trip, or earlier in life, as well. Still this doesn't stop me from thinking "why didn't we do this and that", or "why did we go there". But in reality, we couldn't have done anything other than what we did, because if we could have done another decision we would have done another decision. The reality is what it is, no matter what the thoughts say about it.
The trickiest one of the examples you gave is intention. For example it do feels like I have a intention to go to the beach later on today. And this I think is one of the most extraordinary things with the human mind. That it can picture myself lying on the beach, what it will feel like, what I will do, how I will get there, how I will be hot, and then take a swim to cool me down and even the pleasure this will give me. But does this make it an intention of me? Rather it is a wonderful gift that the mind can picture things that haven't happened yet (quite often it can be a horrible thing as well - worrying, anxiety) and imagine things that doesn't exist. And these pictures gets attached to a me - which the mind also can picture, and out comes an idea that it is me sitting here with the intention to go to the beach, in full control of the future and what to do with my day. When in reality this rather is just is a way of navigating through the world, with a map called the I.
6) Anything to add?
I'm still not sure if I'm all through the gate. As i've said before, I don't have any doubts about the nonexistence of the separate self, but I still act (especially in my thoughts) like there is one, and that I am in control. Eg. looking back thinking that I should have done another decision, and also in the moment holding what I experience of great importance, an being quite reactive to these states - being hungry, angry, or tired for example. I don't mean that these states wont affect me one day, but I do believe that it would be possible to be with these states in a different manner if I didn't label it as my hunger or me being angry because something happened to me. I can see that this wont just disappear over night and the will that the reactivity of these states should disappear immediately is based on ideas and expectations about this process. Rather the reason for telling this is that I want to be honest as honest as possible, and don't try to "fool" me through the gate.
There you have it. Ended up in a quite long text, hope you manage to get through it. Thanks for all the time you putting in this, I really do appreciate it.
All the best!
Joel
