Hi Dirk,
Sorry for the delay. I had a friend die from Stage 4 lung cancer, and then had to leave on a trip for work which was pretty much all-consuming. I really appreciate your patience. I have composed some answers to the questions you wrote. I also want to deeply thank you for your kindness of heart and incisive insights. They have been a great help. You are amazing. Thank you! Anyway, on to my answers, for what they are worth.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, No
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
When reality is examined carefully, it consists of a vast array of ever-changing thoughts (visual and verbal), feelings, and sensations (sight, sound, touch, etc). However, when these thoughts, feelings and sensations subside, there is Something else that is impossible to name or characterize, and with it there is the clear and unmistakable sense of Being, or “I am”-ness. IT has been called many things. It may be (inadequately) described as pure Awareness, Subjectivity without an object, Love, God, Tao, Peace, but it is our True Self. Not separate from anything, the One True Being.
The separate self appears to arise when thought mistakenly identifies the True Self with a limited constellation of objects, usually the body-mind, or sometimes just the mind (ie thoughts). When the Subject is mistakenly identified with the body, a limited object that endures pain, suffers and dies, confusion and suffering arise. Often this limited self is seen as somehow autonomous, independent of the rest of the universe despite being inextricably connected with it, and somehow responsible for making independent decisions (although how an artificial, arbitrary, illusory boundary may be drawn within an indivisible whole and then the interior of that boundary somehow be independent from the rest of the universe is usually ignored by proponents of the separate self). It arises in early childhood from some combination of genetics and environment, perhaps because there was some evolutionary advantage for a brain to erroneously believe it has control of itself and its surroundings. This mistaken notion of the separate self has become embedded within the human culture and causes unimaginable suffering (illusory suffering, for there is nothing really to suffer, but it is suffering nonetheless).
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Honestly, I am not sure if it feels like anything. Maybe just peaceful, quiet, gentle acceptance. Maybe relief. Maybe pure bliss. In truth, it is unconditional happiness available whenever I care to take the time to see it. An amazing gift, pure Grace. It is truly the Pearl of great price, as Christ put it, or Nirvana in Buddhist terms, or the Atman as the Hindus call it. Certainly there have been spiritual experiences that have come and gone, but our True Nature never changes. As Ramana put it, “The Real must always be Real”. And so it Is. Pure Nothingness, never changing for there is nothing to change. It is as it is, beyond time and beyond space. Words fail here. I like the way Wittgenstein put it at the end of the Tractatus: ”Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Meditation has been invaluable to me here. Perhaps initially it was simply the determination to make no assumptions and try to see reality as it is. Take nothing for granted and look for myself.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decision, free will, choice and control are all concepts without underlying substance or reality. Manifestation is endlessly evolving. As the Buddha said, “Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof.” The manifestation unfolds spontaneously and mysteriously. How it “works”, I do not know. The illusory self cannot have responsibilities, for how can something that doesn’t exist be responsible for anything? Maybe a good example is how I met my wife. Several years ago I attended a Halloween party in my building, dressed as a monk of course. When I arrived, I was immediately mesmerized by a woman who was (at least to me) the most beautiful woman in the room. Because I had recently been reading the Tao Te Ching, I decided to do a real-life experiment based on its teachings (at least as I understood them). I decided I was going to do absolutely nothing, or at least as little as possible, and if the Universe wanted me to meet his woman, then I would, and if not, then I wouldn't. But I was going to make no efforts either way, and simply sat down in a chair and did nothing. I spoke to no one and was just quiet. Eventually, this woman I had initially spotted walked over to me and initiated a conversation. I asked her for her phone number, managed to memorize it and remember it until I got home from the party, called her the next day, began dating, eventually married, and we have been together ever since. I am sure that if I had tried to "control" the situation and forced myself on her, I would have been brushed aside. I was not even in her league, and still am not. Simply a lucky man whom the Universe decided to bless that night, and because I wasn't trying to somehow autonomously control what is impossible to control, everything worked out amazingly. This experience has been replicated many, many times in my life. As the Tao Te Ching says, "Do Nothing, and Nothing Remains Undone."
6) Anything to add?
You all are providing an amazing service. Thank you.
Bill
