Thank you so much for your honesty and integrity Joel. There is no hurry here, so let's just keep looking at these stories.
There is still some doubt.
Doubt is a particularly strong fetter for Buddhists and questions about what seeing through the illusion of self mean, where it fits with regards to awakening or enlightenment and the question of being special - these all muddy the waters.
Seeing through the illusion of self is just a step. And the gate is Gateless. 'Awakening' continues to unfold – so don’t think you have “got” anywhere (or anything)!
even though I cannot find it or have found any evidence of it during our exploration
Santa is just a story, yes? He is not real now and he never was. Does hearing a story about him make him become real?
The same for the self – can’t be found except in our stories – but does hearing (and even believing) that story make it real? Have a look.
If there's no doubt about the illusion of no self would there still be worry?
Sensations still arise, there is still the dance of feeling and thought – life still continues.
There is a view that 'getting it' is tantamount to kind of somehow seeing it all the time, or being in some kind of state in which negative emotions or problems don’t arise. Not true! The direct knowing of no-self may be recollected at any time, but states still continue to come and go - pleasant, unpleasant, 'positive', 'negative'. However, that said, changes will be noticed, some possibly quite dramatic,
including in relation to suffering arising from a pre-occupation with a separate self that simply doesn't exist!
any arising of making things mine will fall away.
The peace is NOT about there only being peaceful thoughts. The peace is there no matter what thoughts show up. It’s not about what thought says – it’s being able to recollect that direct-knowing.
this morning I was deliberating a decision and felt some worry and tension around it
People often confuse sense of self with sense of tightness, frustration, contraction, resistance. None of these sensations is a sensation of self.
Sense of being could be called sense of self, I, but it's all just mere labels.
Sense of self is assumed, till it's seen as non existent.
So let’s look at this – do it with doubt, as it arises. Watch the interplay – sensation arising in the body, thoughts and feelings dancing together, story being created – keep it simple and look to see if there is someone behind it.
Report back on what you find.
Just to let you know I will be away this weekend and without wifi - but I have tapatalk on my phone so I will still be able to respond... I just won't be able to use "quote". So apologies if my responses are a little truncated.
Pea.
