Hi Petrus,
Thank you for your replies about the sadness. They were good to read.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Sadly, no. There was a strong belief in self, and there was a way of hanging on to thoughts and feelings. This was labeled as self, but it was simply a habit of thoughts, and it brought a lot of suffering. There was never a self or an eternal I. No "me" either! Now I am having laughter feelings bubbling up. (You're right, sadness is sweet. Without labeling, emotions can turn into all sorts of things and transform quickly.)
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
As a child I thought I was a certain way, and that way was "Lucy." Everyone I knew of thought there was a self, so that's what I thought. An example of something that made me think this is my mother used to say, "I love you because you're Lucy," or, "I love your Lucy-ness."
I could never see myself, though - because "I" didn't exist! But not knowing that, I was constantly trying to see myself from others' points of view so I could understand "who Lucy is." I would try to imagine and I would ask others how they saw me.
The thing is, this Lucy person was always changing. There were some things that were consistent (like having a preference for talking softly) but those are probably random results of conditioning and can change (I've seen that change - I argue more around my fiancé as that is his culture). Everything about me can change because the I is an illusion.
Letting go of the illusion of I, there is floating through life. Life is so easy. Things happen, I react in the moment, or don't react, and time moves on, experience moves on. There is very little to no hanging on to things. There is no "I" to be hurt or embarrassed or protect. Things aren't so serious. Enjoyable things happen and there is not attachment to them. Feelings happen, they are real, and they move through.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Before I started this dialogue I expected to feel really really happy about reaching where I am now - crossing the gateless gate. And today I feel a totally normal mix of things. There is a lot of silence and space. There was sadness this morning, now there is amusement, there will be other feelings most likely. There is "Huh, there it is." No attachment to this moment.
Wow. Before I started this dialogue I had a story of myself. I was attached to this story and compulsively interpreted events based on how I could fit them into the narrative. Sometimes there was frustration at not being able to smoothly fit something in.
At the beginning of the dialogue I was caught up in thoughts (such as about neurons).
Then I abandoned those and simply moved forward. Turns out, the thoughts aren't needed. Neither is belief in self. Like a ship moving in the waters, life moved forward. I experimented with letting go of the belief of no self. The world didn't disappear. In fact, things were easier than ever.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It was a gradual process but what was really helpful was when Petrus said that the mind and thoughts will never catch up and will never understand. That "gave" me the freedom to leave my thoughts behind and simply move forward into experience and being. The thoughts and the narrative of self were a shackle holding me down. I simply "walked" away from them (of course there are still thoughts, but I'm no longer chained to them at all). After that pushing over I simply experimented and experienced and saw for myself that there is no need for self. Eventually this lead to seeing that there never was a self. Haha!!!
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decision - Decisions just HAPPEN! They happen, and I become aware of them.
Sometimes there is an illusion that "I" have come to the decision. This is similar to the illusion I described in my last post about "deciding" to move a body part. This illusion is characterized by belabored thoughts and a sense that the decision was there all along and simply waiting to be "allowed" to proceed, which it could to so after it seemed "I" had chosen it. However, the decision was always there.
Intention -
I am aware of the existence of intention but I really don't know where it comes from. It is similar to Decision in this way.
Free will -
There is no free will. There is just decision/action/observation and resistance. Resistance doesn't propel. It stops up (but does not divert) the flow of life.
Choice -
Nothing is really a choice because decisions are revealed, not chosen. Choice is an illusion. The description of Decision above also describes choice. Life is actually quite easy because choice doesn't exist.
Control -
Control is just an illusion, too. One of the impulses is to control life. Not only is this impossible, but it's impossible even to control "ourselves." Any perceived control is an illusion. Control goes counter to the flow of life and doesn't actually achieve its end goal. If the end goal is achieved, that's despite the efforts to control.
The looser life is held to (the less control attempted) the easier and more effortless it is.
What am I responsible for? -
Well, I don't feel responsible for that much. I try to do my best, and I trust the decisions that appear. They happen, actions happen, and the responsibility naturally happens too. If there are consequences, those are experienced.
6) Anything to add?
Sometimes I still have thoughts arise that believe in self, and I forget these are an illusion. Does this mean I haven't crossed the gate?
Thank you very much.
