Finding My Place in the World

[Truther2]

Greetings,
My name, is Sharon , 48 yrs old and seeking acceptance, really of myself. I rarely tell my story anymore
about who I am, or where I come from. With age & maturity,I wonder if it matters or not! In fact it feels deep inside my spirit..it does matter to me.
I am a survivor, raised in a foster home..I was pulled out of my biological home at age of 2/3 years old.
My parents had 10 children & I am 1 of 3 girls/7 brothers. A lot of abuse/sex/incest/..saw too many damn things.. Anyway the foster home was even worse, they too beat the shit out me daily, always told
your trash, blah blah!
I ran away around 12 yrs old and ended up at a summer camp, the lady Director took me in & enrolled in a new school. High School in an all white school tripped me up big time! But i was was safe from the nightmare, in Boston!

Fast forward to now.. My life is stable, drug & alcohol free, 25 yrs. My biological father died in 2007,
i did not find out till late 2011. I went and paid my respects at his grave..2012. Because of that, i feel the separation at very core level even more profoundly and always feel sad deep down even when i am most content in life!
I use to be suicidal, even when I was sober a good many years...then one day I witnessed a complete stranger commit suicide right in front of me! Needless to say, I am free of those kinds of thoughts.

My life is good and have a space to take more then a peek at my issues.. I feel that the source that is All one- yet i feel the loss & abandonment of my family.. it aches from time to time. I don't feel i will ever not be so sad and not feel separation!
I am doing the deepest soul searching i can.. I need too.. I am not confident in myself and people don't feel safe to me.. too afraid to totally live my life freely. I am taking steps to dive with plant medicine, down the road.. I am getting clear on my intentions & feel called to a ceremony!
It will provide some potential healing for me.. I am sure of it! I think it is a good thing to explore, plug into sharing and venture into uncharted waters.
I am very very grateful to be here!
With Gratitude,
Sharon

[Truther2]

Greetings To All,
I don't want to leave anything out.. in terms of my spiritual life. I am a energy woman of Reiki, and Gnostic studies.
Into Nature and dogs that I have, bring me tons of stability & joy!
Not sure what else to write today, but it is encouraged that i do so..
Thanks,
Sharon

[neeeel]

hi sharon, I can be your guide if you like.

A couple of things that seem important to mention.

first, you say that your story is important to you, that it matters to you. What we are offering here may actually take your story away from you, or at least show you that its not as important as you thought it was. Are you willing and able to accept that, if it happens?

Second, you seem to be looking for healing, for release of suffering, for happiness, maybe.
I cannot offer you that. Yes, sometimes seeing through the illusion of self releases a lot of stuff, but it doesnt stop one from suffering, necessarily. You have had what sounds like an awful and turbulent childhood. It may be worth considering therapy to work through that first before going through the process that we do here. I am just saying this so that you understand that we are not offering a cure-all, that issues you had before , will likely still be issues you have after. What we do here is nothing to do with looking at your issues at all.

third, as I see it, this is a very down to earth process. We do not need other concepts, ideas, or spiritual paths to see through the illusion. In fact, these can often get in the way of seeing. So it is important to be clear about this, that this process is a very simple, experiential thing, and spiritual ideas and terms can often get in the way

If you understand all this, and are happy to continue, let me know. If you have any questions, I will be happy to address them

neil

[Truther2]

I accept all. Over 20 yrs of talk therapy..all talked out!
The suffering is a big thing..i am needing to possibly transmute through plant medicine..but explore going through yes ending story. .

[neeeel]

ok, so tell me a bit about your expectations of this process? What do you expect will happen? How do you think it will change things? What things wont change? Anything you can tell me about your expectations.

And if you say you have no expectations at all about it, I wont believe you :)

[Truther2]

My expectations- is some feeling of processing that my life has meaning beyond holding onto suffering. I feel i had to feel; but not dig deep enough. So, i see what your presenting me here, and i appreciate the questions your asking me..On the surface of things, i guess what answers- yet if i had my answers i would not be here, right?
From my prospective; would be I would not look outside of myself for answers. My expectation then is to be heard by another with no judgement and allowing me to grieve fully.. that is my expectations..
Sorry it took me a while to respond back to you- was away from desktop. Thank you for spending time with me.

[neeeel]

My expectations- is some feeling of processing that my life has meaning beyond holding onto suffering. I feel i had to feel; but not dig deep enough. So, i see what your presenting me here, and i appreciate the questions your asking me..On the surface of things, i guess what answers- yet if i had my answers i would not be here, right?

sorry, I am unclear what you are saying. I was asking what are your expectations for this process. What do you expect to get out of this forum?

[Truther2]

A new way of seeing my reality & relationship to suffering.. acceptance of myself.

[neeeel]

ok, we can leave that aside for now.

Can you tell me what comes up for you, thoughts and feelings, when I say "The thing you think of as you, doesnt actually exist. There is no self running the show, never has been, and never will be"

( i guess your answer might depend on how you define "the thing you think of as you", so it would be useful if you can tell me what the self is, what it means to you? Its a possibly confusing question, but hopefully you understand what I mean)

[Truther2]

The Self is the ego, is our shell/feelings/body/thoughts/actions/movement in physical form.. I think this a great starting point Neel..:) I am aware that "YOU" of me.. doesn't exist. So what is running the show? How did i arrive here?
I am aware, that my soul is here..

[neeeel]

The Self is the ego, is our shell/feelings/body/thoughts/actions/movement in physical form.. I think this a great starting point Neel..:) I am aware that "YOU" of me.. doesn't exist. So what is running the show? How did i arrive here?

I am not sure what you mean . The self is our ego, but you also say "the "YOU" of me doesnt exist?
If you arent the ego, then are you the thing, the entity, that has an ego?
Are you in control of the ego? That is, are you in control of feelings/body/thoughts/actions/movement?

I am aware, that my soul is here..

depending on what you mean by soul, this could be a large sticking point. If the soul is just this "thing" that we have, that doesnt have any input into , for example, decisions or actions, then fine, you are welcome to believe that there is such a thing

If the soul is more active in things, then we have a problem. You might need to expand on what you mean by soul, and how you know you have one.

[Truther2]

To some degree the ego has to function in real time to survive.. so it thinks its in control on mundane level.. perhaps then it is in control. I feel the Soul is more active yet subtle at times.. plays into my intuition & guides me at direction points & situations & circumstances.( Things happen magically & in tune within the flow/energy/ and life. ) Effortlessly - the soul moves... i might not be aware of it all the time though.) A greater force is at play.. My soul

[neeeel]

do you have a soul and an ego?

[Truther2]

yes, I have a soul and identify the ego as a False Self

[neeeel]

who or what is it who has an ego and a soul?