There is no separate entity 'self', 'me', 'I' to be found anywhere at all. This has always been the case.1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there
ever?
I don't know when this illusion of a separate self began. Even earliest memories seem to contain the idea that 'I' was 'I' and everyone else was separate, different. This idea of 'I' remained unquestioned for a very long time. A lot of suffering came from believing there was a 'me' that was alone, isolated, separate from everything else. A lot of energy went into trying to work out what/who this 'me' was supposed to do and be. A lot of comparing with others who seemed to be separate, substantial, more whatever a 'me' is supposed to be than 'I' was. All this fed into and sustained this idea of 'me' and 'everyone else' tho not in a helpful way. Also an idea of this 'me' being unyielding, fixed, unchangeable in some sort of (not good) way-of being 'stuck' with 'myself'. Even tho I had an understanding of impermanence in terms of my own death and that of others from quite a young age, I still had the idea that I would be this fairly fixed and solid entity 'me' til that point.2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Over some years of experience of Buddhist practice, all this has loosened considerably, especially through experiences in meditation as well as investigation through various teachings of the tradition. This has been positive yet has also shown how pervasive and embedded a sense/idea/habit of a separate self is, even tho there is intellectual agreement and belief that this is not, in fact ,the case. Even after fairly conclusive experience to the contrary following a long retreat, it has been apparent through this dialogue that there has been further work to be done to really investigate all the ways the misconception of a separate self can play out in thought and experience.This investigation has been very thorough and conclusive-nowhere has a separate or fixed self been found. There is nowhere else to look. The reverberations of this are having a very strong effect and no doubt will continue to play out over time-there is no turning back.
This process has been/is very welcome. Although there was already some previous understanding/belief/experience of there not being a separate or fixed 'self', 'I', 'me, to really examine it all in the context of day to day life has been very powerful. It has also revealed some of the ways there has been continued collusion with the idea/habit etc of a separate self in spite of beliefs and ideas to the contrary. Some of the excercises and ways of really looking at what is happening continue to be helpful tools for not falling back into old patterns/habits etc, or at least being able to see them more clearly for what they are. There is some emotional content around this process, surprisingly around the reality that there never has been a fixed and separate self-hadn't ever really considered it retrospectively before and there seems to be a lot of grief for the suffering that previous fixed views around 'me' etc engendered. Actually, grief for all the suffering it continues to engender in the world, everything that arises because of this illusion of separateness. In the midst of that, relief and gratitude that, to some small extent, it will be less the case.3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
One of the most helpful aspects has been looking at how thoughts and sensations come together to create an experience of emotion-have been really fascinated by this. Also, generally a feeling of not wanting/needing very much-direct experience is so rich and full, moment to moment. Just being with life as it is in quite quiet and ordinary ways is as satisfying as it needs to be. Tenderness, fragility, newness.....
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It's been a bit of a snowball effect, hard to identify a particular bit-just a momentum, a gathering-some very useful pointers along the way right from the beginning of the dialogue. Continuity definitely very helpful-daily posting helping to maintain strong connection with the process.
Actually very recent stuff around doubt had a very potent effect, really showed something historically v. powerful for what it is-thought based and not to be found in direct experience. A real feeling of freedom arose then. Phew.....
Don't feel like I can find the words for all this stuff.......looking back in previous life to this point, things have happened. 'I' had an idea that 'I' made decisions, had intentions, made choices, had control etc. 'I' had a sense of responsibility in various ways. Don't know how to explain or describe any of this any more......things do happen, there is flow, there are patterns of connection, there is tenderness, responsiveness and care, a clearer recognition of what is required/important moment to moment......this seems to be more the case the less 'me' there is in the picture........5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How
does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Really have run out of words now. Happy to revisit any of these questions if required.
Avery Happy New Year to you, Hare,
Love S'dh X.
