1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There isn't one intrinsically. It exists as an idea, brought forth by my mind, that's it. When the thought is not there, the self is not there.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion happens when the ego gets involved somehow. When I "need" a self to survive something, or achieve something. Even if that need is just some kind of attachment. Like looking good, winning an argument, having some kind of celebration, or defending myself. It happens when others assert their sense of self in such a way that causes mine to appear.
What the illusion is is the part of us that exists in the world, the part that functions separately from others starts to believe it is US, it does not want to disappear, so when it arises for the reasons I said above, we attach to it, we become glued together and the identification is formed.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels mostly the same, but when I do "see" it, see the self emerging, I know what it is. I know its just an idea, it is a thought that has arisen for ITS survival, not mine, even though it feels like it is me while its happening. I know its NOT me because if it were, I would not be able to see it, and it would be here all the time.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I was sitting at work, and it struck me that the self is only "here" at certain times, when evoked. I saw that its not here by default. There is no intrisic self here at all.
5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience
I have maintained all along that free will is an illusion. I still think that it is. I had that belief since before coming to The Gate. Decision, intention, choice, control, free will, they are all facets of the same thing. We do not have the power of choice. We have PERSONAL WILL, Individual Will, it is ours, but it is given to us. We don't actually create our choices. One can do a very simple experiement to see this.
We can examine our thoughts, our preferences, and see something that we feel strongly about, a strong preference of some kind. Can any of us change that preference at will? Can you decide to stop liking chocolate and start liking vanilla? If you take a good look at intention, there is no way to marshal intention. When we intend to do something, that feeling shows up and occupies us. I have heard it said that people doin't do what they want, they do what they intend. Anyone who puts off doping the laundry or some other task for days, and then does it almost on autopilot knows what intention is.
How it works I don't know. I know that these thoughts and ideas, intentions, etc. seem to appear and take over the mind. Or, at least, reside as thoughts and intentions and compel us to act on them. Preferences, like that for jazz over Lithuanian nose flute polkas are also just4 there. They are given to us. It feels like they are our ideas, they are "ours," and not anyone else's, but if you really look, really examine from whence thoughts, preferences, intentions, decisions, come, they come from nowhere. They just appear and BECOME ours, be WE do not MAKE them.
What we are responsible for, as citizens of the world, is everything. That is the way of the world and its a good thing. But, in truth, all we are responsible for is to BE. And if I really try to answer that question, in truth, there is no responsibility. Unless the "I" concept is awake, unless the "self" program is running, there is no responsibility, because there is no one to be responsible.
6) Anything to add?
I will think about this for a while, nothing at the moment except for this:
I am clear that the self is an idea. That this idea shows up under certain circumstances. And, that I can easily "lose" whatever it is I really am, or that really is, because that "self" fills up all the space of my consciousness and feels real, like that is who I am.
Its grace, really, to see this happening, even if just a little. Intellectual understanding is NOT ENOUGH. Its a good start, but every tiny bit of "space" between me and that self that exists is a blessing.
