DrM

[DrM]

Hi Nemo,

I haven't hear from you in awhile. Did I answer your inquiry of me adequately?

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hey DrM,
I've been on hiatus for a while, I sent you a PM about it.
If you haven't been working with someone else, would you like to continue?

Your answer to the inquiry was great.
Can you tell me a little more about the process that happens when an emotion or thought arises and creates a sense of self? Give me a real detailed example, perhaps even of a thought or emotion that you are having right now.

Love Nemo

[DrM]

Hi Nemo,

Welcome back. When I didn't hear from you in a long while, I began corresponding with Ilona, which has been OK.

I enjoyed working with you though, and would like to continue.

When an emotion or thought arises that creates a sense of self, there is an experience of constriction of space, a narrowing and limitation of possible realities in a sense.

Namaste,
DrM

[Nemo]

Ok, good. So, what does this sense of self point to? is there anything real behind it?
What came to fruition with your conversation with Ilona, where did you leave off?

[DrM]

My gut impression is that it points to a vast emptiness, from and into which everything is born and dies.

When last corresponded, Ilona was chiding me about the ego and self being an illusion, and the need to let go of any pain still connecting one to a belief in the egoic self. Not necessarily an easy task when you're going through a pretty intense heartbreak. At least, I've passed through the dark night of the soul, and the worst is over. I've let go of the relationship and have moved on, am meeting new friends and dating again. A relief.

Namaste,
DrM

[Nemo]

No, its not an easy task at all, so I commend your efforts in moving past it and letting go. Well done.
Not to say your gut impression is wrong, but have you been able to actually look and verify this void? Examine it, use every tool at your disposal, mind as well as body, and sense right out into this sense of self. Find out and verify if it leads to a self, or a void, or what? What is there? What is true? Describe it to me as best you can.
Love Nemo

[DrM]

When I close my eyes, quiet my mind, and sense as deeply and thoroughly as I can, I cannot identify a definitive self or ego. There is no substance, are no boundaries; it merely exists in the imagination, an amorphous collection of thoughts and feelings. How odd that we live our lives from a phantom!

Right now, after this exercise, I feel a vast emptiness inside my chest and abdomen, that is infinitely expansive, and not the least bit terrifying, as you might expect it to be. Very curious...

Namaste,
DrM

[Nemo]

Okay, so let me ask you about few questions. Be as honest as you can.

When you say 'I', what are you referring to?

[DrM]

This mind-body that experiences these moment-to-moment thoughts and feelings.

[Nemo]

What exactly is the self, the I-illusion? Use your own words and be as detailed as you can. Give me a good rant! :)

[DrM]

The 'self' or 'I'-illusion is this fucked up figment of the imagination that grabs you by the short and curlies and makes you believe that you're this small, sniveling, limited being full of fear and pathos that is barely surviving in the world. It has all sorts of imaginary rules and regulations about what things mean and how they're supposed to be that have no foundation in genuine, spiritual truth. It's all an elaborate facade intended to avoid intimate contact with reality and the Divine Force.

[Nemo]

Great DrM.
I'd also really like to know about what exactly triggered the seeing for you? What was it like before, during, and after? How do you feel right now?

[DrM]

Before the seeing, there was great angst, confusion, self-deprecation, irritability, anger, sadness, despair, striving and struggling. During the seeing, there was a precipitous slide into unknown territory, learning to be grounded, patient and accepting of the passages of fear with the unraveling of beliefs, gripping onto the gossamer threads of truth as they appeared and disappeared, vacillating awareness, a growing sense of the infinite depth within and gradually less terrified of what would be discovered therein. After the seeing, there is more of the 'during' stuff, and watching the mind play out its machinations, but more able to observe with curiosity and less attachment, definitely less of the negativity experienced in the 'before' state, a new, waxing sense of equanimity and comfort in my own skin, though the skin no longer feels like my definitive boundaries. There are still daily challenges, but I do not get anywhere near as disturbed, as if I finally get that it doesn't really matter in the long run. Right now, I'm a bit tired, but relatively relaxed, observing my thoughts and feelings, following the threads down into my beliefs, seeing if they're true and serve me or not, remembering a bit more to just be now.

[Nemo]

Wow, really beautiful DrM, you really appear to have come such a long way, kudos to you my friend!
There is one part I'd like to talk about and clarify; "...comfort in my own skin..." etc. I understand there is a newfound sense of comfort, but who or what is it residing in the skin? Sometimes a sense of self can still linger afterwards, but is it being accompanied by belief in self? Is there any remaining belief, doubt, or confusion of any kind in regards to the existence of a self?
The other thing I'd love to hear about is your trigger. It can be different for everyone; sometimes it's the application of a particular exercise, or an insight, or often it's simply the reading of a key phrase or sentence. What exactly made the penny drop here?

[DrM]

The "penny drop" was allowing myself to fall into the very dark abyss of my own imagined history of stored pain, and to bring Light into all the crevices, chase out the imaginary demons, freeing the soul and spirit of all the children within that bravely held the energy for the purpose of survival. In these gradual and great releases of the pain-body, the truth of who i am came more into focus, more obvious, clear and acknowledged.

I find great comfort and truth in this beautiful video by Gangaji:

http://dotsub.com/view/15f0467f-d351-42 ... OpXl.email

"Rest in the endless peace of your true nature, before any thought of 'I' arises."

Namaste & Love,
drm