Dear Vivien,
Ha ha ha. You mean the vacuum cleaner doesn’t vacuum???!!!!!
Thank you so much for your wonderful message. Very helpful and inspiring!
What a relief. I had such a lovely day today. Nothing in particular to do. No-one in particular to be. All kinds of things happened, much of it annoying and stressful, and still, I had a wonderful day. A wonderful day was!!
Yes, it is all quite obvious, but kind of without any pressure for it to be seen non-stop and the whole time.
Yes, it is very unspectacular. It is not such a revolutionary revelation – “OH my GOD, there is NO SELF!!! GOSH!! NOW it ALL becomes CLEAR!!! AAAALRIIIIGHT!!!” It is more, so simple and obvious that I expect that everyone knows it really, and they probably do. And if it is forgotten, just take a quick look and there, it is obvious.
I was thinking that this whole seeking thing is, and has been, a hopeless effort to make something true that never can be true. "I am wonderful." "I am terrible." "I am clever." "I am stupid." "I am a woman," "I am a man," "I am this," "I am that." "I am not good enough," "I need to try harder," I am better than you," "you are better than me." It is like grasping in the air for something, and never finding anything solid to hold on to. A hopeless project.
How would you take part in a conversation without momentarily believing that here is an ‘I’ and there is a ‘Vivien’ that I’m talking to?
Yes, this makes sense.
Is there really?
How responsibly can be sensed?
Is it possible to sense responsibility or this is just the content of an arising thought?
Check this with the 5 senses.
Yes, of course, it is a thought: “I am responsible,” and it may come with all kinds of sensations and other thoughts.
How it is felt like?
Please, explain this ‘feeling’ in great detail.
The “feeling” (that “There is an “I” that started this investigation”):
- thoughts, such as: “I did it. OF COURSE I did. Come on Mimi, this is just silly. I was there, wasn’t I? Enough of this weird “looking at direct experience” business. In REALITY of course I was there. It was ME who did it. Don’t you remember? Get real!!”
- a sensation labelled tightness in the head
- tiredness
- fuzzy clouds and mist. Ha ha, this is of course a label. What do they actually FEEL like? Fuzzy. Cloudy. Misty. Beyond words.
- that sense of ownership, which is again thoughts and sensations
Has there ever been a 'you' doing anything?
No, no, and no again. There have been thoughts about how “I did this” and “I did that”, “I shouldn’t have done this” and “I should do that”, and “I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts.” The thoughts just came.
How is it known that ‘you’ ate spaghetti three weeks ago?
Hm. I didn’t really eat spaghetti three weeks ago. Or in fact, I have no idea. I probably did. Anyway, last night I ate rice and Indian pea-and-tofu curry though.
So – thoughts. A thought about ME eating that dish, a thought that “I KNOW,” vague thoughts/images of my kids and partner at the table, the situation etc. And all kinds of other thoughts and images about “before” and “after”. The heavy wok that’s always such a pain to wash after cooking in it, etc. Thought about how late it was. An image of rice and peas on spoon. A vague taste and texture sensation. And the thought, “this happened yesterday.”
What is the ‘proof’ that it has ever happened?
There is no proof.
Thoughts ATTEMPT to prove it. Okay, okay, thoughts cannot attempt anything. So, thoughts suggest – or create the impression - that it can be proven.
“I clearly remember!”
“You could ask my partner, he knows it really happened.”
And there are big fat “holes” in the story. For example, it is not clear whether the kids sat at the table… whether the pots were on the table or on the stove…
So while the image/movie called memory is very vague, thought comes “never mind about the details.”
What is past?
Past is thought/story arising.
The common idea is that memory is an image of something that really happened. It happens… a picture is “taken” and stored away in the memory archives… it is viewed again in the “now”… an image of something that REALLY happened in the PAST.
Some kind of LINEAR thing is imagined. Past to the left, future to the right? In most (deaf) sign languages, past is behind "me", future in front of the body. And there is also one exception, I don't remember which sign language, where the past is "in front" (and the reasoning is, because "it has already happened and we can see it"), and the future which "cannot be seen clearly," in the back.
What first comes is: “Memory” is, obviously, images and movies and thoughts(including "this really happened," and perhaps, "a few minutes ago," or "when I was five") and sensations appearing. But how can it be known that this is something that “really” happened? How can it possibly be known? That “knowledge” would only be another thought and sensations.
Then comes: What could it possibly mean or matter whether it “REALLY DID happen in the past” or not?? Where is that past where it “ really happened??”
It is just another vague image. Just as vague and fuzzy as the “I” thing.
Past doesn’t exist at all in reality. Everything that can be found is obviously “now.” There is nothing outside of this.
What is future?
Ok. Let’s see. “In the future, this post will be posted, computer turned off, brushing of teeth, then to bed.” Clearly thoughts, along with some sensations and images, e.g. of turning off the light.
So the first thing that comes is: this is just guessing. Guessing happening. Who knows if it will really happen like this?
But WHAT is this future, this “will happen.” Let’s say for the sake of the exercise it WAS really going to happen “in the future” the way it’s imagined “now”.
Well, all I get is there simply is no future. It doesn’t exist. The scenario for the sake of the exercise just doesn’t make sense.
Is there anything outside of this present moment?
Let me see.
What about the moon? It must be somewhere! Not here though, in this present moment.
There is the thought and a vague mental image of “the moon” in this present moment.
Isn’t there a “real” moon out there somewhere outside of “my present moment” and perhaps in “someone else’s present moment” right now?
Hm. The thought and mental images about “someone else’s present moment” are inside this present moment.
The moon is “ present” as a thought or an image.
Not the real moon.
What would be the real moon though?? Seeing it “in reality” up in the sky? Would that be the real moon? It would be light, and a thought that “This is the moon.” Doesn’t the light take 8 seconds to get to earth from moon? So it wouldn’t be the real moon. It would be the “past” moon, the 8-seconds-ago-moon. Which would not actually be “past” of course. The whole thing about past and 8 seconds would again be simply a story, thoughts.
So there is not ONE moon inside this present moment (a thought) and another one “outside this present moment” in “the real reality”.
There is no ONE real moon. An astronaut standing on the moon might say, now THIS is the real moon.”
So it could be anything. All kinds of different images. Appearing in this present moment.
Thinking about the astronaut on the moon happens in this present moment.
There is nothing outside this present moment.
However, arguing with it, wanting it to be different than it already IS, takes ‘efforting’, or at least the illusion of ‘efforting’.
He he, and arguing with the arguing takes even more “efforting” or illusion thereof. “It should stop arguing and just be AT PEACE with the illusion, dammit!!” (-:
It is what it is!!
It seems to me that there is an expectation that something wonderful should happen. And since this ‘something wonderful’ hasn’t happened yet, the label is put onto the experiencing “This is not it! I want something better! This is not good enough!”
I’m afraid that something wonderful HAS happened after all. Perhaps it was the revelation that nothing wonderful was going to happen. Who knows. Perhaps the fact that nothing wonderful has happened is so wonderful. Perhaps nothing wonderful happened, and just a thought appeared: “Hey! Never mind! The useless vacuum cleaner is great!!” Perhaps there is just a sense that something wonderful has happened. And it is appearing for no reason. Even IN SPITE of the so-called reality of it. Just to add to the confusion and mystery of it all!
What would be good enough? Not being lost in the content of stories again? Not identifying with the I-thought ever again? - These are just fantasies. Fairy tales. This won’t happen.
Good enough would be, if that makes any sense, or if it even matters: Being what it is. Identifying with the I-thought, or not, and that being good enough. Believing that “this is not good enough,” and that being good enough.
With the eyes closed, sitting still, notice the other sensations: hearing, smelling, tasting, touching. With only the input from those four senses, and without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Last time I did this (and I cannot recall whether I wrote to you about it), I was lying down. Trying to figure out “tallness,” all I got was that I would need a visual reference point, a picture of whether other people or things were smaller or bigger. The body simply is. It has no size.
And then, lying down, I tried to sense where exactly the "head" ended and where the "feet" ended. It wasn’t possible. There were no boundaries.
I just got up just now and looked again. Same thing.
Then there’s the sense that the body is “here” and the lamp is “there” (eyes still closed). I checked if that was a fixed experience. Could it be just as true that the “lamp” sensation/image is in the middle of the sensation called “body”?
As it turned out, it could easily be “shifted” to all sorts of places. So the positions “here” and “there” are imagined.
Does it have a weight or a volume of the body?
No.
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
No.
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
No. And it’s that same thing like with the lamp again. It is an interpretation that the sensation called “body sitting on rug” is “below” all the other body sensations, “at the bottom”. It could be anywhere.
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Oh funny!!!! Because I thought before that I had to get up for the exercise so that it could be done PROPERLY. How can the tallness be sensed while sitting down? But actually, sitting down, the shape is pure interpretation!! No shape or form really.
Is there an inside or outside?
No. See lamp exploration.
What is the body in the actual experience?
Mainly something that I would call “space”. I have heard this word used in this context so many times, no idea if I would come up with a different word otherwise. Anyway, it fits. Or, perhaps, “nothing.” Sensations floating around. An imagined shape, which is a mental image. Thoughts, of course. I cannot remember if they count as “actual experience”.
Love!
Mimi
P.s. Here comes the earlier in the post imagined FUTURE now after all!!
Riddle of the day: Which is the least real: the past when the future was imagined, finishing this post, etc.? Or the future which is still non-existent, but imagined now, and APPARENTLY just about to come into existence? Or this very moment now, where it all comes together as ONE puzzling whole?! Or the moment "Vivien reading the end of Mimi's post"? :-)
