Help with post awakening clarification

[Freddi]

OK great - I look forward to it.

[Original Face]

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now. 

There is raw sense data. Visual image. Feeling. Perception of the feeling as pleasant or unpleasant. A desire to act out in someway arises. Consciousness appears and thinks a thought. "This that thing over there should belong to me over here". Right there a new feeling arises - separation. The object is conceptualised and the concept of self is in charge. The process then replays again and again reinforcing the view of separation. The more it is done the more it becomes a mental habit pattern - automatic, unconscious. I have been attempting to decondition this for the last 23 years. Now all these movements are seen. There is no creedance currently being given to the construction of the sense of separation. The movements are seen but not believed. Not believed by whom? There is no one there to believe or not believe.

[Original Face]

I am now considering the third question. Back soon.

[Freddi]

Consciousness appears and thinks a thought

What is ‘consciousness’ in direct experience? Can you point to a ‘thing’ we would call consciousness? Does it come and go? Does consciousness think? Does it have control over thought? Or does thought just come and go, not controlled by anything or anyone?

[Original Face]

What is ‘consciousness’ in direct experience? Can you point to a ‘thing’ we would call consciousness? Does it come and go? Does consciousness think? Does it have control over thought? Or does thought just come and go, not controlled by anything or anyone?

By consciousness I mean the apparent awareness of an object as opposed to the raw sense data moments. consciousness is not a thing. Yes it comes and goes. consciousness cannot think. There is nothing that thinks. Just thoughts. There is no it therefore no control over thoughts. How can there be control of thoughts - they happen - even thoughts about control of thought and the subsequent attempt to do so is not under any entity's control. Consciousness is just part of the cognitive process.

[Freddi]

Thanks, Tom, I look forward to the other answers.
Warm wishes
Fred

[Original Face]

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
 

It feels quiet. Whatever goes through the mind - however silly or dramatic or serious - it just dies. There is a quietness.
There is a certainty but not one which has to be expressed in words or held onto. There is an absence of worrying about the Tom idea - how it is perceived. There is a lack of embarrassment about the more problematic traits which appear here in this thought stream. There is a settling with just what is which has often come as the result of hard meditative work and always faded tantalisingly away. I am beginning to get a bit emotional now. This is 'the place where there is no coming and no going' - it's always been here. I feel like I am home. Crying dammit! The garden is so beautiful, the aeroplane over head is the best music, the fridge is comforting, the smell of coffee. The breath is an ocean. The trickle of the coffee, forest waterfalls in Iwate, Zenmyu smiling in the courtyard of his temple, worry about being perceived as a babbling, gushy, hippie, not giving a shit, amusement. Happiness.

[Original Face]

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? 
 

I think it was the point at which I saw the craving for an eternal entity.
I saw the terrible sense of personal inadequacy and the fear of losing my mother to death.
I saw the sense of powerlessness and the desire to cling to something greater than me.
I saw that there was a desire for something.
You cannot desire something you have.
The thing was only a fantasy.
I was only a fantasy.
It burst like a bubble.
There was nothing to hold onto and no holder so the holding stopped.

[Original Face]

I will give some time and attention to question 5 now. Back soon.

[Freddi]

Thank you for your clear and honest answers. Can hardly wait for the rest!
Fred

[Original Face]

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Decision.
A feeling arises. Unpleasant. Intention to get up. Picture of getting up and going to the table to get cashew nuts. Unpleasant feeling. Thought about remaining sitting on the bed. Pleasant feeling. Tired feeling. Unpleasant feeling of hunger. Strong urge to get up. Getting up. Walking. Etc.

Intention.
Waking up. Image of coffee pot. Pleasant feeling of lying down. Image of coffee pot. Urge to rise. Dreamy thoughts. Image of clock. Urge to open eyes. Opening eyes. Sense impression of clock. Recognition of time. Thoughts about the day ahead. Strong urge to rise. Rising.

Free will.
As far as I can see there is no free will, choice or control. All these imply an entity which is free, chooses or controls. I cannot find such an entity. the ideas exist but not the entity they imply.

What makes things happen?
I have to say that I do not know. Any answer i gave at this point would be theoretical only. I wanted to say 'the last thing that happened' but that would just lead to an infinite regress and I don't know it to be true anyway.

How does it work?
Life? I don't know.

What am responsible for?
Laughing out loud at that one. It's abad deal isn't it? There's no control over this mind/body but still it will take the consequences for all it's actions! I can't really answer the question with any certainty.

There are perhaps impersonal laws which govern what happens - Karma perhaps. Within that there is perhaps cause and effect although I don't hope to be able to figure that out really.

[Original Face]

6) Anything to add?

Not yet.

Any further questions?

[Freddi]

Thanks for your answers, Tom. I have no further question, and will now invite other guides to have a look, and make sure we've covered everything.
I'll be in touch soon.
Warm wishes
Fred

[Freddi]

Hi again Tom
Welcome Home! The other guides have no further question.
I'll send you a private message to tell you about what comes next.
It has been a real privilege to accompany you in this investigation. Thank you for your honesty, your dedication, earnestness, and above all, the clarity of your answers.
Bye for now
Warm wishes
Fred

[Original Face]

Dear Fred,
May I extend my heartfelt thanks. To my utter surprise this has taken me to a new place.
It was not just more little insights. With your help, I have been able to clarify the main issue.
I am quietly happy.