Please Ilona or Elena, I would very much appreciate help

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

It seems to be the concepts of belief about who I think I am, and how its not good enough and needs to change that feels so threatening, even when thoughts of death come, its more about how poorly behaved I would be at death than the actual death itself, and then theres that too, not existing...this sense that feels soooo much like its some one, and that some one is ME, here I am...as a body, as a thinking breathing human being with choice and knowingness of things occurring and whether they are in favour with me, or I am in favour with them, and that all needs managing, keeping an eye on, worrying about.
*
*Today Allan Watts said in one of his talks...

No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that's going to happen

and when you say these things also, they are so incredible and feel so amazing for a brief flash that that could possibly be true, for an instant that feels so free like a big heavy weight lifted and then very quickly its like denied or just habit of the familiar again and back to trying to find out

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

Theres definitely been belief that finding out would mean that I would become healed or complete and a proper human being and there wont be any more dysfunction or bad feelings, they are labels too for sad and lost and angry or frightened...they all come down to feeling vulnerable, something needs proetecting...what is it...its the sense of me again, that there is someone here and its me and if I was stuck in a well, I could shout up...I am down here, please can you get me out, like I could call for help, that feels so familiar that it is me and yet theres the spontaneity of now with fingers typing and hearing and that's all just become a function of the dictating me, in reverse again like with the secretary..taking notes after the fact

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

it feels like terrible nightmare of trying to look, and what's looking already is completely silent and non-intractable from the sense of looking, like its a blank, brick wall and trying to look when what's looking is already the knowing of the trying to look happening. The familiar sense of self improving and self editing feels like its owned, and the monopoly of trying to choose what experience is allowed to happen, some ok some definitely not, that feels like its me too, very much when a situation comes up with lots of investment in that. This amazing offering to look and the frustration is the lack of looking clearly, like knowing its here that its required to look simply and its another thing I cant get right and its the biggest thing I can fail at. Its a rare message and I am so fortunate to be able to speak with you and I cant find it...and understanding says, that's cos theres no you, but the understanding feels like its my understanding and me that understands that there is no me, like a me saying theres no me and here I am being nobody, and it gets stuck in identity with me being me who is not me....my brain feels like mashed potato

[Ilona]

Hi bella.

This frustration is part of process, it gives the fire and determination, it's not bad.
What I see is going on is that you are trying too much to see something that isn't here.
See, there is no you to try, no you to look, no you to see. No you at all as in zero.
There is trying, looking, seeing, thinking that there is something else to see then this.

There is no I looking for no self.
There is no I that can be anybody or nobody, there is just nothing there. It's like this- unicorn is looking for no-unicorn- a crazy story, right? There is no unicorn in reality. There is no no-unicorn that needs to be seen either. It's a story. Mind gymnastics.

So stop trying to see something that does not exist, look at what exist, here now. Focus on sensations, focus on the sense of being. Face this- there is no separate self at all, it's all one movement of life. There is no you living life, just life living itself as all this.

Sending love.

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

Thanks Ilona. Yes trying to look is whats been happening and getting frustrated. Today listening to the talks on LU. Absorbing whats beibg said. Much love

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

I am on mobile network at the moment and its not very good at loading forum on my phone. Hope message comes through x

[Ilona]

Yes, messages come through. There is tapatalk app for mobile, you can use that.

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

Dear Ilona, I had to take some time out with it all, it felt like I was trying to look but in all the wrong ways and getting frustrated because the belief that something will be there to show for the trying to look. In daily life, theres a disbelief like a veil it seems, that who I think I am is not an entity in actuality and that what happens is impersonal, there isn't a person there for it to be personal. Its like theres too much identification with being not good enough a person or a bad person and that person has made mistakes and how amazing it would be and is in tiny glimpses of that not being the case at all and it is just wide open fun all a sudden, like a energy surge or something and then thought says something about the bad person that's been focused on and its zip, back to that anxious, fearful and worrying about what will happen and how will it be managed and how well will I fair in it and will I be good enough scenarios playing over again with differing disasters and details and dramas, which for the most part, are quite dark and seem so compelling at times. Its like its that idea that cant seem to be given up on, and all the searching is about finding as many proofs that its ok to let go as possible and one day one of them will be the one that breaks the back of the concept, or it just said in the right way, and this is all the seeking archetype isn't it, that keeps on with the looking outside so to speak, I know this is all intellectual it seems certain intellectual things would like to be understood, as if that would help, but is that just more perpetuation of not taking a proper look, somehow this me concept is blocking the taking a proper look$? much love and hugs, Bella x

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

Trying to look at why not taking a proper look is happening....because of concepts that are there about what taking a look is all about and who will be taking a look. Today there were tears because I wanted this to stop the frightening and shocking things that can just spontaneously happen in life, and that isn't how it is, these things still happen, but the reference point from where they are viewed is no longer wrapped up in the character in the view and the character doesn't improve, might do but also might not, and they may get ill and die a painful messy death and theres no avoiding what will be, and that made tears come for that, that has been a big expectation and still some of it left coming up when typing this

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

theres ideas that maybe I am still too identified and even typing that I am saying I and it feels like I is who I am and this me is quite surprisingly held together by all the shitty things I have done and not so much the good, there feels an identity with the errors and the punishment for those errors as if that's somehow the grip, even though I wasn't particularly religious it seems like that's where it comes from maybe, this me that's a sinner and conniver and undeserving, rather than there being a clearness to look and see if theres a me its like a lure to that than to what is actual

[Ilona]

Can you find a person? Is it person that identifies? Where is bella now?
Are you a person? Body? Mind? How do you know?

Is there you, that identifies in actuality, Or it's all thoughts about a person and identity? Have a look now. Where is that which identifies?

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

A sensation of whats perceived as good or bad about who I am, or a thought, mostly negative, that seems to label the body/mind as belonging to someone who is not doing a good enough job of living or of waking up, that's what came apon reading, but its looked at from that veil of concepts instead of seeing the veil as a veil. A couple month ago, or maybe twice, when I first spoke with you and then a month later or something, it seemed like the thoughts were appearing in a vastness, but then the thoughts seemed to get stronger about a personal identity. Or maybe the fear got stronger, like defence mode kicking in more when getting close to looking. Today I will look into what identifies, where it is, as it happens and observe that process more from now on. *

Its like theres so much invested in the shit things about the person that it cant be possible that that could be god, the one, being so shit, it has to be a me who is shit in lifes happy pure love that seems the opposite of my selfish character and self destructive habits and ways, and twisted ideas, like, that stuff cant be just life, that's a me who is making things bad and ruining the party..these are the thoughts that seem to come up and block it. And that I will die feeling like a me, being trapped as a me, and be judged and punished for all the slapdash or desireful ways/selfishness/lack of compoassion for others, rather than being connected to something deeper, and when that comes up, it feels like theres a me vs dying. same with waking up, me vs waking up. and what this is about is theres no me to be vs with anything...how to look open like that, without looking from a separate place that's got to take on these things. Could there be too much identification right now for this kind of inquery and if so, what can be done to prepare for this enquiry or clear the self out more and see it more

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

a contraction, energy that feels contracted and that comes and thought says oh I suck, or something like that, and that's entertained and focused on and another, the strong ones are guilt about things done in the past that I would never do again, and things done in more recent times, like how I couldn't be more loving than I was tward my mother and more in tune about her illness. Yesterday I heard on a talk it said it all happens as it is, and for a second there was a lifting of that idea of me being there who is guilty and who did it, but so quick the thoughts come and get entertained that it just cant be life that's so poor at living and so desireful and stupid and selfish, these are traits of some one who is out for themselves. How can it be that this could be life4? Please could you talk about it Ilona, is there never a me to have done mistakes and smoking away... what about that...isn't that a me that keeps going to buy$? or a me that can stop buying$? it feels like there is but that I just haven't done it yet. and same with the paintings I do, I love to paint but the feeling that if I paint anything, my ideas are not life, they are mine and I am wrong, so sharing my paintings would be wrong and not what life wants, yeah it feels like I should basically just be annihilated ...these thoughts want to annihilate me, but at the same time say theres a me, and why don't they see theres no me...if they hate the me so much$? I guess thoughts cant see, they just say stuff about a me and about anything else in the scene. it definitely feels like I am and have been choosing not to live well or for the benefit of others, that doesn't feel like its just life living, so its so convincing. thank you x

[ShamelessLikeTheSun]

is there a way to come from the angle of being space for the me, because the me angle feels like its me, and if what is here is knowing of that, can it be looked into from the knowing, damn, the knowing would become what seems like me then too$? sorry for my keys this is old laptop and doesn't work very well, and also the Christian method of via negative, how could I do that and look in stages maybe pull it apart and be sure no doubt with each bit that that's not me...the guilty stuff seems the hardest block, I hear that theres no one and its so free and so tiny a crack and the guilty contraction has been the whole life spent that way, it seems so compelling, is there another way to look that can blow that through and see it as it really is...and who would see Ilona$? am I what would see, so called awareness or knowingness, is there something that's stable to see from or stand as$? and see the guilt, like what sees the guilt$? could that be clearer4?

[Ilona]

Hi dear. Thank you for writing and talking about what keeps you blocked. Let's look into it

Can you focus on sensation of guilt and see what it's really about. What is behind it? It can be something you want. Something you think you should or not. It can be idea, that the past can be changed. What is it in your case? What comes up when you focus on sensation of guilt?

Let's look at it together.


Could you have done anything differently in given situations?

Explore this

Sending love.