Seeking help getting to the exit door

[Bluejay]

I have mixed feelings about that. It could get really noisy, and I really don't want my daughter asking questions. It's really complicated with someone who is autistic. I'd either need to try to keep it quiet, or leave the house. The way it has been the last twenty-four hours, I'm pretty sure it will bleed into my day regardless. It really seems to just be an endless well.

Trust your intuition on what feels best for you and your situation.

When you say what is coming up, you mean whatever life is present, no matter how seemingly insignificant or mundae?

I mean in the sense that if a lot of feelings are coming up, then work with the feelings.

And if at some point there's a curiosity for exploring the self-illusion, you go with that.

You're suggesting coming in and just do one and type it out as a message to you as I do it?

Yes, exactly. It's like if you narrated everything you did for a short inquiry. That way I can see what you're doing and how you're doing it.

Silent knowledge? You mean thinking and understanding that is before language? I ask because it really seems there's a lot of non-verbal stuff involved in these inquiries.

Oh, I didn't mean anything with silent knowledge. I only used the word because you used it in your post.

Now in terms of working with feelings...

When feelings and emotions are bubbling up:

1. Take a moment to acknowledge them
2. Find out to whom these feelings belong. Who has the feelings?

And only do this when the feelings are present in the moment so you ensure you are exploring your actual experience.

[Darrell]

Update: I wrote an entire inquiry last night, as I was doing it, here in front of the computer. I hit 'Submit' and something went wrong. I just discovered this when I came back today to add something to that, and found it didn't save. I'll be trying again this afternoon.

FYI, I've been having a lot of trouble with this page in the last three or four weeks it seems. I don't know if anyone else has reported issues with the Gate part of this website. Just thinking it might be more than just me. when it happens, I'll try other pages, and there's not a problem. Just in case this might need to be mentioned to someone who can address it.

Anyway, just wanted to update you and let you know I'll be trying again today.

[Bluejay]

Thanks for the update!

Yes, Liberation Unleashed seems to be having some technical issues. I've also noticed the problems in the last few weeks.

With that in mind, I recommend you write your replies on your computer/phone and then copy and paste them here.

I usually copy my whole reply before posting to avoid losing anything.

[Darrell]

As it turns out, I'm having problems with this computer. Either a virus, or perhaps something else. It hasn't run correctly for days. I'm in the process of working on it, about to give up and do a reset.

Anyway, I had the same thought. Write it elsewhere, then cut and paste. So here we go. I've sat here for almost an hour, dwelling on this, looking, seeing what is here, and trying to look more deeply, but without any real result. I look forward to being guided in how to better perform an inquiry of the type you have been asking me to do. Without further ado, here it is:

Not sure what to use for inquiry purposes, so I'll use what or where is the sense of I, what feels like I or me?

If I hit a dead end, as I often do, quickly. I'm leaving it in as is, so you can see what I do/don't do.

Right now, there's hearing of music, and the feeling of having a body. The body feels hot, which feels claustrophobic. Who or what feels claustrophobic? Who or whatever is aware of the feeling of being hot. What is that? Nothing can be found, other than the sense of being hot. What is aware of that feeling? Nothing can be found in looking for a knower, other than the hot feeling, and resistance and aversion to it. Where is the aversion? It seems to be in the head and chest area. How big is it, or what shape does it have? It doesn't seem to have either shape or size. Where is the resistance? It feels like it is right along the central channel of the body, from the face to the chest. It feels like a tight contacted feeling.

What and where is the hot sensation? It's an unpleasant sensation, but is hard to describe, except to say it feels claustrophobic. It feels confining. Where is it? All over the upper body, from waist to head, and it isn't centralized anywhere. It is beginning to fade.

Now there's an awareness of the body feeling uncomfortable in this chair. Who or what feels this? It is known in the head/face region along with a sense of "I" or "me" there as well, which is really only a thought. When that goes, so does the "I" sense. Now there's a subtle mental sense or mental feeling. Along with this is the feeling of a body, somewhat warm, with tension in the shoulders and neck, the sound of music, and seeing the table, it's contents and computer in front of me, as well as a tired feeling. Those sensations together feel like a someone. Where is this someone? This is extremely difficult to answer. It feels like an idea, but there aren't any words. An assumption, or what the Buddhists call sankarha. I seems there's something there, but it is really difficult to pin down.

Start again. What is here right now? Seeing, sound, bodily feeling, mental talk. Who is seeing or knowing this? I don't know. Who is this I that doesn't know? That I seems to be mental talk, thinking, bodily sensation, sight and sound.

There's a desire to be better, more skillful at this type of inquiry. It usually feels like a wall is hit pretty quickly. It would be great to know where this is going astray.

[Bluejay]

Now there's an awareness of the body feeling uncomfortable in this chair. Who or what feels this? It is known in the head/face region along with a sense of "I" or "me" there as well, which is really only a thought. When that goes, so does the "I" sense. Now there's a subtle mental sense or mental feeling. Along with this is the feeling of a body, somewhat warm, with tension in the shoulders and neck, the sound of music, and seeing the table, it's contents and computer in front of me, as well as a tired feeling. Those sensations together feel like a someone. Where is this someone? This is extremely difficult to answer. It feels like an idea, but there aren't any words. An assumption, or what the Buddhists call sankarha. I seems there's something there, but it is really difficult to pin down.

Thanks for sharing your process. Your inquiry is good.

A few things you could try:

1. Don't dismiss the sense of I as a thought, but allow it to be there so it can be explored.

2. Go into the components of the sense of I. You already identified where the sense is. You could also zoom into the sensations that feel like an I. Look into each sensation and ask: Is this sensation the I?

3. Ignore thoughts that come with an answer. Instead, just stay there. Ask the question, and then stay with the sensation that feels like I. Observe the sensation. What is it doing (pulsing, shimmering, moving, etc)?

The reason to keep observing is to see if there is any connection to an I/me, and if you quickly conclude there is nothing there, you don't allow time for this to really sink in.

Any thought is not the answer.

[Darrell]

1. Don't dismiss the sense of I as a thought, but allow it to be there so it can be explored.

I'll make it a point to do this. What I'm running into is that, when that mental thing, thought, whatever it is shows up, trying to look at it directly, it stops, disappears, I'm not sure what. I don't know how to work with that.

2. Go into the components of the sense of I. You already identified where the sense is. You could also zoom into the sensations that feel like an I. Look into each sensation and ask: Is this sensation the I?

Just to be clear, by components, you mean, thoughts, bodily sensation, mental talk, mental pictures, feeling/emotion, etc. Correct? Zoom in and look into each sensation are the same thing? When I look closely into a sensation, it's almost always, in not always, apparent that it's not "me". Happens a lot with sight. The sense of vision is taken as an "I" usually with the overall somatic sense, and when separating them and looking into just the sight, it's pretty clear that's not "me".

3. Ignore thoughts that come with an answer. Instead, just stay there. Ask the question, and then stay with the sensation that feels like I. Observe the sensation. What is it doing (pulsing, shimmering, moving, etc)?

So I do what I just described above, looking in to the sight/vision, and the answer is "No, that's not me" ignore that and just stay with the sight? What if it's doing nothing? I ask that because I'd think sight wouldn't have those kinds of qualities you mention, other than it changing as things in the environment move about.

I would like your input on something. I've learned from various sources, that when things become difficult, troubled, unpleasant or challenging, that's the time to practice. Transmute suffering, by turning difficulties into the path. I've had some really upsetting things show up since last night. We've got a situation with my daughter being seriously upset with me, due to her boyfriend putting words in her ear. Then one of our dogs was seriously injured, and we're waiting to see if he will be okay. Do you just set these or any other practices aside, or how do you work through the difficult times?