Seeking true stream entry

[plume]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
the self is quite literally a pattern of thoughts arising that tell me that I am the owner of the sensations experienced by the body. The self has no inherent existence, it’s like a thick lifelong accumulated fog of thoughts that prevent the realization that there is nothing solid to them

What are you looking for at LU?
I have an intellectual understanding of no-self and I’m beginning to feel it but I want to get through. This pursuit has been dogging me since I was young but I’ve never seen something so direct and unwavering from the matter at hand

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Pointers to investigate and someone to keep me on track if I get distracted by my own web of dharma nonsense. Someone to confirm my gatecrashing and to keep pushing until I am firmly through. Someone to do whatever is necessary for me to realize this

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I have been practicing Vajrayana for 3 years. Last year, I had my first profound opening (akin to “stream entry”). It changed my life. But because I believed the method to have produced it, I didn’t fully appreciate what exactly happened- things just felt light and direct. Now my practice, filled with visualizations and mantra, seem to thicken the illusory self rather than continually cut through it. I’ve fallen prey to “spiritual sickness” haha!

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

[graceabounds]

Hello.

Thank you for your patience in waiting for a guide.

I’d be happy to be present with you in this process if you are still interested?

-Becca

[plume]

Yes, still interested - thank you Becca!

[graceabounds]

Excellent.

Someone to confirm my gatecrashing and to keep pushing until I am firmly through. Someone to do whatever is necessary for me to realize this

There simply isn’t anyone who is able to push and ‘do’… looking outside won’t bear fruit. This is an inside job.

Also best to drop the expectation of a “firm” breakthrough—who is waiting for confirmation? Who is waiting to be pushed? Look directly, now. What is incomplete? What needs to happen?

Find the “you” that is separate from everything happening right now. Find the boundary. Where is it? Describe it.

I didn’t fully appreciate what exactly happened- things just felt light and direct. Now my practice, filled with visualizations and mantra, seem to thicken the illusory self rather than continually cut through it

Clear seeing! … then the one who appreciates rematerialized. Since then a ‘trying’, a ‘doing’ from the perspective of the imaginary Self to get back to what never left.

You’re already here, standing at the threshold, pressing your face against the glass. But you still think there’s a door.

[plume]

What is incomplete? What needs to happen?

I have the subtle expectation that the "witnesser" will fly out from behind that area behind my eyes. And it'll fly.

Find the “you” that is separate from everything happening right now. Find the boundary. Where is it? Describe it.

I'm having a hard time seeing that I am not that sense of being/awareness coming out from my head or the feelings emanating from this physical body. The boundary of Me is the place from which I see, I hear, I feel.

Intellectually, I know that this is an illusion. But I can't shake it! I'm noticing a very quiet fear. I'm noticing a desire to actually not recognize it, almost as if the fear is forcing me to get distracted, to pontificate and intellectualize, to kick up dust and prevent actual looking into the matter

[graceabounds]

I'm noticing a very quiet fear. I'm noticing a desire to actually not recognize it, almost as if the fear is forcing me to get distracted, to pontificate and intellectualize, to kick up dust and prevent actual looking into the matter

Great noticing.

We can look into witnesser, boundaries, awareness, and all that but let’s start here…

What is this fear? Turn directly towards it. Tell me… What is actually being experienced? Where is it being experienced?

[plume]

When I deliberately look for the fear, it is nowhere to be found.

However, as I’m looking for the self, sometimes the fear will arise very quickly, like a sharp panic, in my chest and throat, accompanied by some thoughts. It’s as if the “closer” I am to realizing what is there, the quicker this comes up to pull me away.

The thoughts softly but ominously rumble: “all this pain and suffering was for nothing?” “All the things I love and care about, I was never really in control of loving and caring for them?” “All my hopes and dreams, illusory?”

[graceabounds]

When I deliberately look for the fear, it is nowhere to be found.

Good.

So the sensations labeled ‘fear’ arise only in relation to the seeking, and to the thoughts?

That fear is the last desperate grasp of the illusion, the ego clutching at anything to maintain itself. Notice how it arises only when you get close—because the illusion senses its own dissolution. It isn’t real danger, just an old survival mechanism misfiring.

Are ‘you’ to be found in thoughts? Are thoughts True?

Now, sit with it. Don’t push it away. Don’t try to resolve the thoughts. Just let the fear burn, fully, without pulling back. What happens when you stop running from it? What happens when you stare straight into the abyss, refusing to blink?

[plume]

Dropping a note here — I’m getting momentary feelings of being absolutely groundless, out of control, etc. Something keeps yanking me back, but I’m noticing the lack of an owner more readily. I’ll keep looking for the rest of the day and report back tomorrow morning.

[plume]

Sensations arise, clear seeing. A voice butts in and says “wow this is so beautiful, this view of mine.” I look for that Me and cannot find it.

I’m realizing this is an insane habit, for experience to unfold, and then for “Me” to insert itself after the fact with the thought: “Mine”.

There’s still an expectation of fireworks and eternal bliss, I feel like I’m getting “closer” to dismantling the Gate

[graceabounds]

Excellent. Yes. The “Me” thought is always a half-second late, stamping ownership onto what is already happening. A useless rubber stamp. It never actually controls anything—just labels.

Now, watch even closer. The expectation of fireworks—what is that? Just another thought, another claim: “THIS isn’t enough.” Who says? Who wants more? Can you find that one?

And you already sense this idea of “getting closer” is a fiction… Closer to what? Where’s the distance?

Right now, without leaning into the next thought, is anything missing?

[plume]

Aghhhhhhhhhh

I want so badly for there to be fireworks. I’m noticing this persistent thought that keeps pulling me *out* of recognition: “where’s the big kaboom?”. I’ve done this my whole life! Seeking escape from what is here. But then wanting to reunite with what is here. But then seeking escape. And on and on.

That’s why meditation retreats never really worked. Nor did drugs, alcohol, night life, music, travel, hobbies, all the other obsessions I immersed myself into and then desperately ran away from. There would also be an eerie “just this-ness”, I’d get scared and run away or find a new technique or new book or perspective or place or person, etc.

I’ve been looking for The Answer, and it turns out there was no one there to receive the answer even if there was one.

[graceabounds]

YES.

I’m noticing this persistent thought that keeps pulling me *out* of recognition: “where’s the big kaboom?”

Where does this thought (or any other thought for that matter) come from? Where does it go to? Is it personal?

Listen closely:
There will be no kaboom.
There will be no arrival.
There will be no moment when “you” are enlightened.

Because that you was the one blocking the obvious: This. Already. Is. It.

Not in some poetic way. Literally.

What happens now if you don’t flinch from the “just-this-ness”?
No more running. No seeking. No need for next. Also no need for attachment to the whole history of the chase. Just
THIS.

Right now.

Is anything lacking?
Can you find any boundary, any inside or outside to this?
Where would a “you” even exist in this seamless flow?

Look again. Not with thought. But raw attention.

What’s left without the seeker?

[plume]

Everything is as it is. Lightness. Clearness. Playfulness.

Not necessarily blissful, nor dark and heavy. Stuff comes up and then it goes away and becomes something else.

Thoughts come and go. Stories come and go.

Sometimes thoughts grip realllly hard on an experience and “Me” dominates the frame. But that goes away too, like experience cranked up the zoom and then relaxed back into panorama.

There are no fireworks, no kaboom. There is no Me. Seeking the spiritual path is a huge joke, because there was no one there to begin with.

There’s some sadness too but that’s just an arising and passing without a Me attached to it. I get the sense that over time as this realization deepens, a lot of stuff is gonna fall off like dead skin.

Wow!

[graceabounds]

:)
Beautiful.

Yes this is just the beginning of the unraveling, the shedding of all the layers.

When it tightens—when the “Me” flares up—what does it require to sustain it?
What fuels it?
What gives it life in that moment?

Look right now. Don’t answer from memory. Wait until the next contraction happens. Then freeze it—dissect it. See what it feeds on. Report back.