I feel close, but unsure.

[Dennis90405]

What brings you to Liberation Unleashed?:
I feel like I am close to liberation, or maybe I am there.
I read something called Brutal Beginnings from Ruthless Arena a couple of days ago; http://www.mediafire.com/download/73x9a ... +ebook.pdf

I then began a meditation where I turned my gaze back at myself and found nothing was there. I suddenly flashed that my "self" was non existent - a phantom. I feel like a hologram that believed that it's real flesh and blood, then was show the truth. What a shock!

Perhaps the mind/ego/personality created this false "self". I feel like I've been fooled all of these years.

What are you looking for? What do you expect from this?:
I am looking for a guide that makes sense.
I've looked for a teacher/mentor/guide/guru to help me and answer my questions but so far I have not found anyone that seems to fill that role. Can someone here help me?

I'd like someone unbiased and impartial to offer up whether I'm delusional.

I want help with perspective.

If there is no "self" then what is there? Whats driving me? A void with awareness? Nothing at all?

What is your background in terms of seeking and inquiry?:
I have been seeking, off and on, all of my life, although I may not have known it consciously. Since early 2013 I have been engaged in serious, sincere, earnest pursuit of awakening. My main methods are meditation, contemplation, books, conversations with others.

How ready are you to question your beliefs about who you are and see the truth no matter what? On a scale from one to ten (ten being most ready). : 11

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hey Dennis,

Welcome to Liberation Unleashed and thank you for taking the time in the introduction.

We can walk along together, see how we go. :)

What do you say?

Best wishes,
John

[Dennis90405]

Thank you for your generous offer John.

I gratefully accept.

What is next?

Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Dennis,

Just want to make some brief comments on what you shared:

I then began a meditation where I turned my gaze back at myself and found nothing was there. I suddenly flashed that my "self" was non existent - a phantom. I feel like a hologram that believed that it's real flesh and blood, then was show the truth. What a shock!

Yes indeed!

Perhaps the mind/ego/personality created this false "self". I feel like I've been fooled all of these years.

Understandable reaction.

I am looking for a guide that makes sense.
I've looked for a teacher/mentor/guide/guru to help me and answer my questions but so far I have not found anyone that seems to fill that role. Can someone here help me?

I'd like someone unbiased and impartial to offer up whether I'm delusional.
I want help with perspective.

The best approach is not to explain, or try to make sense. But take heart that there is no-where else to go, you are the ground. Act like its completely ordinary, and nothing special. That helps a lot.

If there is no "self" then what is there? Whats driving me? A void with awareness? Nothing at all?

As above, squeezing this into concepts isn't where its at. So, stay with it, it'll shift and unfold.

For a little while, when needed, bring it back to the body, and the ground of just sitting. Nice steady, comfortable breaths. Ease into a nothing special presence, not having to be anything other than it is.

Update tomorrow with the latest state of play.

With best wishes,
John

[Dennis90405]

Update tomorrow with the latest state of play.

It's early in the day here in California and there is work to be done but - there is a compulsion to check in.

Advice was followed last night - meditation happened...it was easy. The initial sensation (and emotion) of "is that all there is to it?" receded, giving way to a warm feeling around the heart...a gentle sensation of joyful vibration. (It's always been easy to sense into the body - it's a characteristic of this particular meditation practice.) The "I" wanted this shift to be something greater - grandeur, trumpets, angels. The reality is as it is.

There is an ongoing visual, perhaps a thought, of the "self" as a solid body, a person, that is dissolving. The mind is cultivating that visual. It is almost like saying goodbye to an invisible friend that one had as a child. As the moment unfolds that "self" is less and less solid...more and more transparent.

The initial feeling of anti-climax is giving way to a giddy feeling of freedom. A lot of easy smiling is going on.

Whew.

Best,
Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Advice was followed last night - meditation happened...it was easy.

:)

The initial sensation (and emotion) of "is that all there is to it?" receded, giving way to a warm feeling around the heart...a gentle sensation of joyful vibration. (It's always been easy to sense into the body - it's a characteristic of this particular meditation practice.) The "I" wanted this shift to be something greater - grandeur, trumpets, angels. The reality is as it is.

The full orchestra. :)

There is an ongoing visual, perhaps a thought, of the "self" as a solid body, a person, that is dissolving. The mind is cultivating that visual. It is almost like saying goodbye to an invisible friend that one had as a child. As the moment unfolds that "self" is less and less solid...more and more transparent.

Really nice descriptions Dennis.

The initial feeling of anti-climax is giving way to a giddy feeling of freedom. A lot of easy smiling is going on.

Whew.

Dennis, if its ok by you :) it would be cool to just let this unfold over the next week. If you'd like to share what's happening I'd love to read it.

With best wishes,
John

[Dennis90405]

If you'd like to share what's happening I'd love to read it.

Ok, if you're sure.

Yesterday...Spacey. Disoriented. Difficult to get any work done. Some sitting. Not uncomfortable.

Today...not so enjoyable. Chickens Coming Home to Roost. "Truth" sounds so wantable..."Gimme Some!! Yay!" But in fact it's more like this: Truth=No Illusions=Disillusionment=Facts About "YOURSELF" That Were in the Denial Zone, which is being quickly demolished. And what has been seen cannot be unseen. Ugh.

But the changes have already been useful out in life - it was super easy to watch someone attempt to manipulate "me" today. The emotions came and went.

Is this normal unfolding stuff?


Thank you, John.

Best,
Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Dennis,

Thank you - this is great to get updates. Each unfolding is unique, but yes, these are good indicators.

There is that need to work it out, get answers - "mind-candy" in the trade. :) So, we notice that, respect that, but always return back to the body, to here and now, experience. The breath is a good focus from time to time, back to ground.

At some point soon, you will likely feel a kind of pause in proceedings - and we shall explore a little more when that happens.

Walking along with you,
Best wishes,
John

[Dennis90405]

At some point soon, you will likely feel a kind of pause in proceedings - and we shall explore a little more when that happens.

Hi John,

That pause seems to have begun. Are you ready to explore?

Best,
Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Dennis,

Ok, cool. How are things now? When you sit, looking at and around, is there a sense of looking, or me looking, or some of both?

Please do share anything else that seems significant.

Best wishes,
John

[Dennis90405]

How are things now? When you sit, looking at and around, is there a sense of looking, or me looking, or some of both? Please do share anything else that seems significant.

Hi John,

Things are good...calmer.

Generally when sitting, there is often a sense of looking, but no "me" to look. This is not a new situation. Work done in the past has produced that "no-me" clarity, but it didn't last. Now there is no feeling of "self".

There are some feelings of anxiety happening, due to the current life situation, but it's like any other emotions or feelings in the body. There has been fear as well. If possible, in those moments I sit with it quietly, not assessing or trying to change anything. The "fearsomeness" of the fear fades then, revealing a simple body sensation.

Talking with people is strange because "I, me, you, them" has to be used as a matter of convention and convenience. Every other statement seems to have a possessive "My, mine, yours" as a part of it.

There exists in the body a felt sense of permanency of the truth. Whatever that means is still rippling through the body and mind.


Thank you for walking with me in this moment.

Best,
Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Dennis,

All good. This is all unfolding well. If I'm being very light-touch, it is merely out of respect for the unfolding.

Sometimes, its nice to sit outside, gently relax the body, the eyes, and see that no looking out is needed, that light is coming the other way, and being received. And to sit and imagine that light passing straight through.

Explore and continue to share.

Thank you,
John

[Dennis90405]

Explore and continue to share.

Hi John,

At this moment of life the affairs of business and relationships and health of the body are more constant,intense and challenging than ever before. The unfolding is taking place at a most useful moment. The challenges are not "easier", but are experiences instead of personal drama.

Because of the volume of these life affairs, there are few moments to sit.

Language seems like a stumbling block to unfolding. As thoughts arise they are often expressed in the head verbally, and nearly always contain "I Me Mine" and "You Them Your's Their's" as well and past and future tense. And in real time interactions with others, there seems to be no language to express truth.

There are moments when the body has sensations associated with fear and anxiety. It's as if the awareness of truth has left no opportunity for escapism, dreaming or denial. It's always "truth o'clock".

Does this make sense?

Best,
Dennis

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Dennis,

Sure. Love that "truth o'clock" :D Now, when you look at agency, the 'actor' in life, the one taking action, the one reading this, or typing...what is the experience of agency? is this Dennis reading this? If not, what is?

Thank you,
John

[Dennis90405]

Now, when you look at agency, the 'actor' in life, the one taking action, the one reading this, or typing...what is the experience of agency? is this Dennis reading this? If not, what is?

"...what is the experience of agency?"
Absolutely no experience of agency to look at. No agent. No experience for, of, or by an agent. There is only an embodiment, and the life living through that embodiment that was previously regarded to be a part of "Dennis".

"is this Dennis reading this?"
Nope. "Dennis" is not reading this. That is just another thought. Reading is happening. "Dennis the Reader" is a label added in as an afterthought.

"If not, what is?"
Nothing, as a separate entity, is reading this. There is no "Reader". Reading is happening. Reading is not rocket surgery, afterall. :-)


Thank you for walking along. Much gratitude.

Dennis