Thank you Mark for your quick reply.

apparent choices made in everyday life, describing as best you can what appears to be going on there, and what is actually happening in that decision-making process.
Any choice is really not a choice, at least in the sense of an Alex (the self) choosing among ...

Hi Mark.
I was writing you when I found your message.
As a shortcut I will use "I" in this post. I don't mean with it the Alex who believed to be in charge when we began the chat. Grammar is not helping me to find a viable substitute.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all ...

Hi Mark.
I'm back. No answers yet, but a little extra diary after my trip.

As I have been spending a couple of weeks in Germany it has been interesting to observe what happened during highly stressful times.

The ordinary day comprised 8-11 hours wandering around Berlin, jumping in and out metro ...

Thank you Mark for your quick answer.
A lot is clear after reading your last post. It is like there is some forgetting mechanism at work.

There is the main delusion, being the gate "only" this.
At the same time these raw emotions keep me off balance. I've never been able to manage them properly ...

Hi Mark.
I'm jumping between Berlin and Leipzig. The full time job to take care of my children (my wife is working) is taking its toll, and even if I had the possibility to write you before I didn't, because of laziness, tiredness and confusion.
I'm not yet ready to answer the questions.

In these ...

Of course you are right, Mark.
What I wrote is purely intellectual and reflects "my self", not how life chose to develop in me.
I was writing about acceptance without noting I was not accepting what happened. Funny, isn't it?

It is obvious (did you see how often I'm using this word lately?!?) that ...

Mark, there is a post scriptum.
I reread what I just wrote, and it is too intellectual.
I tried to convey the feelings of the last couple of days but my post really lacks the power to describe them.

Be patient and let me try again tomorrow after a night sleep.
Alex

Hi Mark.
Almost ready to leave for 2 weeks abroad, my son is sick and vomiting.
The strange is (compared to my usual behavior) that I feel very calm inside. It is what it must be. It is not possible to push anything. I feel "doped" but very attentive and active at the same time.

Please let me use ...

Mark, in this moment there is a lot of confusion but not a bad one. It is like a cargo ship whose load moved and need to find a new balance.

I don't feel disappointed nor elated. Sometimes it is like watching a movie, seeing my body acting without any intervention. Just observing the speech is ...

Hi Mark.
The ta-dah moment already happened and I didn't recognized it. There were no bells and fireworks but the feeling that "i" am a void, that really life is acting through me.
It is not a stable sensation yet (today almost never) but it is there. It had been always there.
Whom for, I don't know ...

Thank you Mark!
I will be short today because of familiar duties.

Nothing really is different from yesterday or one year ago . It is just strange how difficult it is to perceive something so obvious... Nothing changed but everything is now seen from a different perspective.

Throughout the day I've ...

I was fast and didn't thank you.
You deserve it.

Hi Mark.

the self didn't disappear
I need more carefulness with words. I meant "the perceived sense of self".
With it I mean the apparent reality of a "me" behind the scene. More I try to pick what this sense of me is, more it becomes a ghost.

To explain what I meant with "the self didn't ...

Hi Mark.
Thank you for your reply.

In the last days it looks like thoughts have lost solidity. It happens very often now that I can see "myself" thinking: as soon as the thought is labeled it becomes hazy and it is rapidly gone. It is not something voluntary, it just happens.

At the same time "I ...

Mark, I'm now using a tablet, sorry for typos.
I continued with labeling and thoughts are rapidly losing grip (a side effect I'm not looking for, by the way). It is curious, like fog is disappearing in the mind.
Will report tomorrow, now I need to run to the kids.
Bye
Alex