Uh, I want something that permanently settles everything, yeah.

It does feel alient to the body though, that sentence.

Reading what you wrote feels spacious and less cramped.

I is a lie, and the body knows that.

Starting to read that sentence "I was sure I'd feel anxious (...about expectations ...

Im in my head a lot at times, very much suffering.
At times hesitant to believe, that everything could be perfectly fine in the moment, just being in the body.

There's what I called an addiction to thinking observed here. I notice what you mean by this being an addiction to self. It seems like ...

What does comparing actually accomplish right now?

Well, the comparing hurts. Stresses and tenses.
That's what the body says.

If there were no awakening to achieve, no timeline to meet, and no judge keeping score, what would be wrong with this day?

I feel like on the way to an answer I get ...

Hi Becca :)

Also I am genuinely curious what a not wasted life would look like… not the idea of one, or thoughts about it, or grandiose self-images, but how would you imagine it to feel?

Grand and content. A bit happy.
There's a sensation underneath that label, that can be felt right now ...

oh i feel such joy today reading your message:)

before answering your question, something else positioned itself front and center;

there's a sensation here labeled as "adversion to teachings / practice". Really strong actually. It's a reoccurring thing.
I think another day this is what I ...

I hope it doesn't scare you, when I'm writing like that.
I don't know where these images are really coming from, but in direct experience it's, of course, just all pretty okay here. You know? :)
I think it might still be a lot to read on some days, so saying I'm all very okay here with these things ...

think I found another reoccurring thought:)

it's about doubt, that "I am not good enough to see this"
and about doubting experiences like >finding no witness< because there's the sentiment that
"I couldn't possibly be good enough to have noticed that".

there's an anger in that.
the anger of ...

its a little bit odd to describe this, so here we go :)


"recent days" there's been a lot of watching what is labeled as "addiction to thoughts".
maybe it's just going to the sensation "underlying" thoughts, leaving interest in thought content and feeling into what that sensation actually is.

now ...

Hey Becca,

a "core" sentiment, reoccurring in all these practices, has become more clear.
There is want for "this to be over".

Showing up in practice as the sentiment "okay, so are we now with it (and can return back to everyday life)?"

when being in the body it's there as well.
the assumption ...

Is there a you who is responsible to try or not? to look or not? Is there a battle of these? Or just what is happening?

I think there's something labeled "conflict" or "struggle" and "intention to resolve that".
Somewhat of an desire to "explain" it as well.
The physical sensation is tension ...

its interesting to settle into what feels like "suffering" "unfullfilling" "missing" or "somethings wrong"

What is the dread actually about?

Take a look, what is the dread protecting?

So, there's sensation (in the stomach) labeled as "not so nice" or "too tense"

There's an impersonal sensation, like a "wall or protective layer within me, above the heart"

Thought coming up: "I can't do this (again ...

i guess there's a lot of explanation or understanding "chatter" here.
maybe you know, what that means. stories explaining the world, describring and categorizing.


and you know, it's not quite understanding everything, it's more of an: "explanation comes".
And there's surrender and relief in giving ...

I think I want to talk about my "inner life" a little. Or what some call shadow work maybe.

I'm redoing the exercises about everything again these days and I just can't help feeling like a failure.
Even if they work (or seem to work a bit). I guess that feeling itself is what keeps clarity at bay ...

so, it was cucumber ice cream they have, which is much more reasonable