Hi Ilona, it feels like quite a milestone to be ending this conversation. It is the right timing. I went back and reread some of our conversations and I was amazed at how far out I was there for a while. Fascinating stuff. The collapsing of that belief in 'self' was so dramatic and intense!!! I kind ...

Hi Ilona, no need to apologise for delay, I am eternally grateful for the work you have done with me!

What I mean when I refer to 'no-self' mode is that things happen, thoughts happen, things are seen but there is no one doing all these things, no owner or controller of it all. The alternative to ...

Hi Ilona, sorry for the late reply, must have missed the notification. I notice when I catch myself operating from a sense of self and then search inside and find nothing that everything in my vision becomes very crystal clear and sharp and I am aware of space and depth in a way that reminds me of ...

Hi Ilona, so I have been enjoying a much more relaxed and guilt and shame free existence since I reflected on your questions. I realised that the core of my issues with appreciating women's bodies was a Buddhist teaching about removing defilements like sensual cravings. I think I really subscribed ...

Sorry Ilona, disregard previous post. Your response had not loaded and I didn't get a notification of it so I was worried you had forgotten about me.
Love,
Oly.

Hi Ilona, just checking in.
Love,
Oly.

Hi Ilona, I hope this finds you well. I am noticing a lot of synchronicity. Really spectacular ones that make me laugh. They seem so unsubtle. I am noticing my habit of escaping into fantasies seems transparent so that while the fantasy is happening I am also aware of just 'being' underneath them ...

Hi Ilona, I actually laughed out loud when you recommended 'kill Jed'. It was such a relief. That book and the course it describes really got to me. I can be a little extremist at times and I really felt the lure of crashing and burning through everything.

It seems silly to have feared that I could ...

Hi Ilona, I really liked the analogy of the snake, rope, darkness and light. I experience glimpses of how the sense of self tries to slip in with strong feelings of attachment. fantasies and anxiety. When I check to find the source of who is the experiencer of these things it is like a light is ...

Hi Ilona, thanks for your reassurance. I'm feeling much better. After reading what you said about this being the clean up stage I was able to reflect on how different my existence is now. I think I kind of got used to the changes but still held expectations for how things 'should' be.

When I look ...

Hi Ilona, that video you recommended was very helpful. I got grumpy with my kids today and I know that previously you have pointed out that unpleasant emotions and feelings will still arise but I was so hyper-aware that what I was getting upset about was that the girls were taking so long to get ...

Hi Ilona, I have had a bit of a bad run recently. I have felt very tired, a bit down and have noticed some negative self talk, anxiety and escapist daydreams creeping back into my mind. This is very conspicuous as these mind patterns have been absent since this process kicked off. I get frustrated ...

Hi Ilona, I hope this finds you well. The more I observe it the more I see the pattern of consuming sugar or getting lost in sexual energy where those experiences are sought to avoid restlessness, irritability or discontent. If I really look I notice negative feelings underlying the urge to alter my ...

Hi Ilona, I don't really have much to say. I get your observation about all the things that 'I think...' are really unknowns. It seems the habit of me wanting to try to figure everything out is still quite strong. I suspect that this will shift with time as I am getting better at just being ...

Hi Ilona, I had an experience today where I had some computer troubles and my wife became frustrated with me because I often forget my passwords. Things became tense. I was desperately asking myself 'who am I?' and 'what is me?' and I intellectually still thought that there was no 'self' running the ...