Big hug!

Thanks John.

What is going to happen now? Are we waiting and resting for a while?
Since you did not give a response to my long post yet, that somehow keeps me on my toes.

Having a lifeline here is reassuring and keeps me from drifting off at the moment.

Guess I do not know what to ...

Dear John,

still my body experiences some abreactions here - feelings and emotions.
I wished I could just spend a couple of days in quiet, but somehow there never seems to be room for that.
Hope you do well,

Warmly
Matthias

Dear John,

had a little battle with "maia" or whatever that was meanwhile.

My body broke down on Monday into phlegmatism for 3 days. Getting better since. Thought initially, it is a burn-out or breakdown. Body just stopped carrying me. Slept a lot and was in-between dream worlds. Written off sick ...

I think words like 'Identification' are best treated like the name of a town you arrive at and know nothing about. :D But, in spending time in the town, you discover bit by bit different aspects and shades of 'identification'.

Because 'identification' is at a meta level to each particular pattern ...

so it's a practise (ok, it snuck in that time) of faith if you like

Funny. I considered the label "faith", but I settled for "trust".
I also see now, why faith/devotion is recommended in many paths. It really helps to fire up a spark and to grow a seed into a plant. Too easily, the early growth ...

try to re-inhabit the 'Matthias' jacket, consciously.

did it a couple of times consciously. It works to a certain extent, it is very familiar and cozy, but identification is not complete. The knowledge is always there that Matthias is just a useful/familiar/cozy ... construct.

How is it?: It is ...

How would you describe the difference (if possible :) ) between being here and the perception/identification as 'Matthias'?

"Being here" is mainly ... quiet. Almost silent, despite the many things going on. Fear of losing identification is mostly gone replaced by a deeper trust.

However it is ...

not not me :)
Love it. *laughing*

What are you left with being?

Me? :)

No. Seriously. I am left with life. It is a whole lot of stuff going on here. Thoughts, emotions, sensations, patterns, things, other people. All moving and changing. A cacophony at times, enjoyable nevertheless.

Warmly ...

Am I all observable things?

No. Looking for an observable thing that is me, it dissolves. Even the trusted gut feeling of being me - is just a gut sensation. So even the whole field, everything, together is not me.
Nevertheless I am aware of all these observable things happening, the whole field ...

So maybe this whole thing about observing this or that, looking for a 'me' that isn't, over here, over there, was nonsense anyway.

Still laughing. Yeah maybe. Hahahahaha :) ;)
Almost a bit hysterically laughing. What a joke. All these hints. Not seen. Me just isn't. Searching for something that ...

Is there anything observable, that is you?

Feeling stressed out by this. The more effort to find anything, the less is findable. Tiredness here. Some desperate body sensation. Like when you have done a 10 mile run and 100 more to come. Urge to stop and just be.

Undeniably there is awareness. As ...

Good Morning John (now its evening, took me a day to think about this),

It is a quiet day. Had interesting dreams involving Matthias the neverending failure. Never up to the tasks he thinks needed to be achieved. Poor chap. He was sobbing in the dream for feeling so weighed down by a pressure he ...

It's called indulgence.

love it

so give yourself a kick up the arse, and stop being such a lazy seeker.

John, I am tired of seeking.
I also do not have a clue ... anymore ...? Am even clueless about my cluelessness.

Kicking arse is a good point though, you hit the bullseye.

Warmly
Matthias

Dear John,

its been a while. I was out doing things. Did not think a lot about LU. It was quiet (although I was quite busy workwise), a bit vacation. Needed a bit rest after the turmoil.
I am confused as to where to go or look and where not? With Sioned I had tasks to do, that felt good, as it ...

Hey John,

as harsh as it came, it quickly ran out of energy and is almost gone. Strange.

A bit like rodeo. Thought I tamed the beast, but then another wild but brief round of bucking. We both are exhausted and breathe heavily.

Thanks for your kind words! It helped indeed.

Some looking for the ...