Hi Ilona, I'm not sure what happened to the reply I sent initially. I remember thinking, 'you ask really great questions' and replied straight away. Not to worry, here is another one.

So thinking about matter labelled as a brain and how I see that in actual experience...

... well looking at this I ...

Thanks Ilona :)

I really welcome your questions too. In answer to this one:

Thoughts just appear. I see there is some matter labelled as a brain. This organ receives impressions from the senses and then it reacts and influences the biology of the organism. Sometimes it seems that the thoughts ...

Dear Ilona, I'm sorry to hear of your friends passing and the sadness.

Your reply rings true and it's reassuring to hear the things you say. I feel more alive. Not in the 'oh so happy' kind of way, but in a 'raw, wanting to feel whatever is happening' kind of way. I'm not scared to feel it.

Just ...

Hi Ilona :)
These are some thoughts I've had about the questions.


1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is no separate entity, a self, me or I at all. At birth there was only perceiving, life happening. Now there is ...

YES! in a big fat kind of way :)

yes, noticing happens, perceiving happens, life happens.

The clincher in the last few days has been with unpleasantness and fear arising in some way (with thoughts and feelings). And noticing the compulsion to react (with more thoughts/reasons/rationales), to ...

I've been looking at beliefs today, ones that have had a strong hold, like:

I should meditate and become enlightened
The negative thoughts I have are the cause of my emotional pain
I create my own suffering
I should help people in order to have a worthwhile life
and....
I am Jodie

But these are ...

ooops... a typo, there is no gap, there is just perceiving.

Well the fear is just thought thinking there is something to protect, but it's just an idea. There's nothing to protect.

Yes, you're right, the creature is an idea, a thought. Thoughts come and go, nothing directs them.
There is a gap between perceiving and perceived. Describing the experience is not the experience.
There is no self, no ego to experience anything.

The fear earlier that was resisting this, it was ...

Today I was grappling with that concept of destroying ego - transcending ego and all that stuff that's taught in meditation circles. And yes, I see it doesn't exist to destroy. But wasn't sure what to make of what was left...

What you say makes sense. It's like there is a creature that sees, hears ...

it is found in futility, hopelessness, fear

i don't know

I feel sick. I don't think I can do this.
Ego doesn't want to be found.
I believe in the thoughts
I don't have any answers...

that makes sense.

Ego is thoughts believing in themselves. Ego refers to itself, the self that it creates. This created self turns every sensation into something it can own. It make things up. It creates a 'me'

It takes constant, vigilant effort to keep believing in this ego - exhausting!

Hi Ilona :)

When I ask if there is any doubt, thoughts for separateness seem feeble. Like they're trying to tell me the sky's green when I know it's blue.

The thoughts and doubts permeate reality, having a label or opinion for everything. They arise from oneness and fall back to oneness.

I would ...

This is quite beautiful
There is no line
There are no separate selves, the many forms all originating from the same. Like mountain water moving into separate streams and rivers with 'names'. The water doesn't have a name, it's just water.

Water doesn't know that it's water. It doesn't think about ...