hey smudgey,
thanks so much, invaluable help - feeling loads of warm gratitude towards you,
hope our paths cross sometime soon,
much love Xx

Great, thanks Xx

yes, that's right.

just to add, both the examples i give of 'upsetting' people were quite small. I'm curious what will happen when something really riles me! is that still possible?! :-)

Before I could have let myself 'get away with it' now there is just a clearer seeing of what's happening and therefore a sense of shame or just that it doesn't 'sit right'. As a consequence I find myself apologising more.

Please clarify more here, what is really happening, if there is no I, try ...

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
(Just to add a bit more to no.3)
Before it was possible to sometimes have a sense of spaciousness. There were times when 'selfing' wasn't really happening. Now it's ...

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
Nope, never.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you seeit now.
The idea of 'self ...

okay great, i'll take some time with those questions and get back to you over the weekend.
Thanks so so much, a great bit of kalyana mitrata, for which i am ever so grateful,
lost of love to you too Xx

You are asking if the illusion that there is a self can be lost and you want that because it feels better...have I understood?
This is all thought/ sensation land. Look and see if this is true.
yep all true.

Fear, look into this deeply, then peak behind, what is there?
Doubt, Look into this ...

just to clarify my question -

of course thoughts manifest as I, me, mine... not expecting otherwise. no problem. no other expectations.
auntie D is unreal, yet yes there is 'the fear of forgetting' - that is just a thought, and some sensations.

what is there to loose?
well maintaining the ...

Are there any doubts at all about seeing through the illusion of the separate self?

There's no doubt about seeing through 'self' in the present, also seeing through the illusion of self in the past and future.

There is some question, anxiety here about forgetting. It's felt like you've led me ...

there's the thought, 'everything is happening', the warmth of the water, the body washing itself, shampooing, everything's really easy. then thought comes, 'do something different', following that is a sense of confusion, then sensations of contraction, holding...
then bemusement, giving up, the ...

okay.
so there's the thought 'do something different from what's happening', then there is a sense something trying to split off, or drawing back, or gathering up... away from what's happening in order to then intervene in what's happening, but then it is futile as there is no space and no gaps to ...

I keep looking!
stuff just happens. It's not like its predestined, anything could happen, then something happens. but nobody is there doing anything to make anything happen.

even if i say, 'I'm going to lift my arm'
then i lift my arm
its just a thought followed by an action, no body doing ...

thinking about really big decisions, they've often involved other people and discussion and coming to agreement so its hard to see clearly how things 'come about'.

but thinking more simply about a recent decision to just go on Facebook once a day. there was a recurring thought, 'fb takes up too ...