“I have always been hoping for some sorts of realization” – What is saying that? what is it that was hoping for a realization?
“And when I look for awareness or the knower I don't actually find anything” – What is saying that? what is it that is looking for the awareness and not finding it?
“and no experience well that's pretty much what I equate death with” – who/what is saying that?
What is equating no experience with death?
Who is hoping? I hope... There is the thought, I hope, just words arising , there is sensation, and then there is imagination, that there is a me doing and feeling, I cannot find hoping, there is no hoper. I can see more clearly that the hoper, or the 'me' part of each thought/sensation experience is not there, so thought arises, well what am 'i' , just a word , a figment of of my imagination. The thought 'what am I' is just a thought too. Asked on behalf of nobody.
Looking for awareness or the knower - again a sensation arises a focal point, my thoughts say , 'i am looking' but really the sensation is not looking, it's just a label placed over sensation by mind/thought.
What equates no experience with death? - I thought arises, alongside an uncomfortable sensation, labelled fear, thought says 'i am afraid to die' this is a sentence created by the brain, the sensation of fear is felt, I can't see how they are linked , I cant find fear, I can't find a 'me'.
. “the thought 'i never existed' feels as scary as 'i am going to die'” – scary for WHAT EXACTLY? – Look, don’t just answer from thoughts, but look!
“I turn away from looking” – what is it exactly that is turning away from looking?
Scary for what? - Again there is thought and sensation, I can see I thought holds no truth, sensation is felt and , 'i never existed' yes at this moment, that seems true, somewhere along the line the belief or idea of a seperate me was born, perhaps with the first 'i' thought.
So it’s not just about not finding awareness… since even though awareness cannot be found, there is still a belief that there is an ‘I’ (separate even from awareness) that could be equated or not with awareness. Do you see this?.
Yes that would be the 'looker' , I look and I cannot find, but the 'i' that looks, again this is a sensation, a focal point. It cannot look for anything, it does not know anything. It is not a me. Only thought says, 'i cannot find awareness, but actual experience says sensation. In the head, chest and stomach, but there is no finding, no looking, just sensation and mind labelling.
I'll come back to the questions tomorrow. As I'm doing the looking, every so often the thought arises, 'there is definitely a me here' and instead of looking for a me, I am looking at the thought, it keeps popping up, i look at the words, then look at bodily sensations, until I see the thought is untrue. All that has happened is sensation has moved from the original spot. The moment this happens thought quickly comes up' there is an I here' but actually it's just a new sensation.