So it was always like that? No special cause, nothing suppressed, not processed?
It was much worse when I was younger. I was extremely emotionally disconnected as a child and teenager, I didn't feel much of any normal human emotions. I didn't love my parents or anyone in my family, I was unable to feel anger. I had no friends as a teenager, and it didn't even occur to me to be bothered by this or to try to make friends. This wasn't due to some great trauma in my past or anything, it was just the way I always was.
I woke up in my late teens, and connected to my emotions. I am now emotionally normal, I would say, in that I feel anger and love and sadness and so on. I'm an intuitive person, I think, and I cry easily, I cry during moving scenes in movies, and so on. But I don't ever feel good, I don't feel happiness or joy or whatever. A lot of things amuse me, and amusement feels somewhat good, in a shallow way though I suppose.
Do you have some seeking history? In terms of looking for the meaning of life in science or spirituality? For some broader picture of human’s life?
Yes, when I "woke up", as I mentioned above, and realized what I was like, I started trying to fix myself in various ways. Therapy, meditation, and so on. While I did succeed early on in actually connecting to my emotions, nothing I did most of the time since then really changed anything.
Maybe you should just look into your „heart“ and see what do you really want, what do you really need to do?
I want something that feels good or meaningful or something like that, I don't know what it is though. It feels like something is missing, like life is meant in some way to be good, rather than neutral. I have no idea what I need to do, and I've mostly given up on the idea of doing anything to try to find happiness (or whatever), as doing things doesn't seem to do any good.
How honest are you?
Honesty by itself brings more aliveness and therefore more enjoyment of life.
I'm extremely honest with myself. I think I'm fairly honest with other people in general. I'm being honest with everything I'm saying here, as there would be no reason not to be, and being dishonest would make this conversation a waste of time.