I suppose intuition is really just taking a guess. So it seems my mind is just creating a new story, and 'i' am buying into it. I don't know what to do now then?
You just have to look again and again. Looking for the one that is buying into thoughts.
And seeing that thoughts are not yours, you are not doing them. These are just thoughts, about a self, about a me. But these are just thoughts, and nothing serious.
I am looking back at thoughts, and yes there is a sense of 'me' here this evening. I am thinking how depressing and difficult this is.. Perhaps you are right maybe deep down I don't want to not exists. I really thought I did want to see no self, I wanted to end the constant search, I thought there may be some relief some peace.
You have an emotional response to my comments. An old story with its conditioned emotions has been triggered.
The way out of this suffering, is to question every single thought that arise. “Is this thought true?” “Is this thought telling the truth?”
. I am thinking how depressing and difficult this is..
You can investigate:
Is this thought true?
Is this really true that ‘I am thinking this or that’?
Is this true that this is depressing and difficult?
Depressing and difficult for what/who?
What is it exactly that is felt depressed?
What is it that is finding this difficult?
If you investigate and questions thoughts like this, then all the seriousness of those stories lessen, and thus the suffering.
But now I see that all that is on offer is nothing, literally! And if that is how it is then I have to accept that..
Offer for what? What is it that wants something else than this offer?
Look for the one who is disappointed!
Look for the one who should accept this offer.
Look and see that there is nothing there.
There is only thoughts talking about disappointment and a me who is disappointed and should accept this offer.
Look and be free of the nightmares of thoughts.
But unfortunately I can't make myself want to realise that I do not exist
Yes, you are right. You cannot make yourself want to realize that I do not exist. Since there is NOTHING THERE that could realize this.
You just have to look and look and look again.
And see that all these stories and suffering are just the trick of the mind!
Don’t fall for this trick.
Rather look and see through it.
Like when you think that there is a monster under your bed. Don’t just sit on the bad it terror. Rather look under the bed and see that there is no monster there. There is nothing there at all. And all your fears will be gone.
And so if all I end up doing is going round in circles because I am afraid and this was not what I was expecting, then I Will just be wasting my time, but mostly I feel bad for wasting your time.
“I end up doing in going round in circles” – where is this I that is going round in circles?
See that this is just a thought appearing, nothing more. Nothing serious. Nothing real.
“I am afraid and this was not what I was expecting” – look if there is really an I that is afraid.
And look if there is REALLY a fear at all. What is fear? Isn’t it just an innocent sensation labelled as ‘fear’?
“this was not what I was expecting” – what is it that had expectations? Thoughts?
I am sorry and I am feeling quite upset with myself.
Look at this above sentence and see how big liars thoughts are!
This thought is lying. It lies that there is a you who could be upset itself.
Look Rachel, this desire to exist after death is just a conditioned pattern of thinking. This is not your thought, it’s not your doing. It’s just coming up due to conditioning. And every time you fall for this story, meaning taking the thoughts as something real, this conditioned pattern of thinking gets reinforced and gets even stronger, and will come up even more often.
However, if you do the opposite, meaning when they come up you just stop and take apart all the thoughts that comes up and see through them one-by-one, then their power lessen, and the conditioning gets weaker with each looking. If you do this consistently, this patter will fade, and eventually will stop appearing and causing disturbance and suffering.