I'm still grappling with how to explain my experience and I'll try to be as precise as I can.
Currently, there is no perception/feeling of a self-entity dwelling in me. Was there ever a self entity? Yes and no. Certainly there was something, it doesn't seem right to say illusion. It seems more of a limited understanding, like you're seeing 3/5 of what is the truth.Is there now, was there ever, will there be a separate self entity?
I'll use a metaphor to help explain. Let's say a car makes 100hp in its stock configuration. I have managed to tune the ECU of the car to make 130hp - I didn't add or remove anything physically, I just optimized what was already there. The opportunity to make more power was always there.
I don't think there ever will be a separate self entity. I certainly have doubts, and I would be lying if those doubts didn't have the faintest of momentum. They do - I still feel fear and worry. I feel it will greater clarity than ever before. But its intensity is at an all-time low. The negative feedback loop of thinking then feeling badly (over and over again) can't seem to get traction because the self to reinforce it all can't bind to it. It's like water and oil. It tries over and over, its probably just conditioning.
I don't know what I am. Sometimes it feels like I just am awareness or stillness, the intensity of which fluctuates throughout the day. I'm having fun trying to work it all out.Do 'you' make anything happen?
The self would like to take ownership of what has happened - and certainly it was tried to do that since Thursday. There used to be an undercurrent of self in everything that happens, even things like realisations (like when I almost forgot to get my keys before leaving the house) used to have a self-referential thought and used to take ownership of it. But now I see them separately.
The questions from my older posts like, who laughs? who had willpower? It feels right to say no-one. No-one takes ownership for it, they happen the way they happen.
I'm hoping I will be able to refine my descriptions better, but this'll do for now.
Sooo... what happens now? What should I do?