I don't know anything absolutely.

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Sat Mar 02, 2019 8:54 pm

Hi Ilona.
Here’s what came up.

It feels like there’s more space in everything. Life goes on. Everyday ordinary life is taken with more calm. There is less fear in being open about myself and so relations with people in general are more intimate. In each moment, there is nothing missing. It’s like if everything emerges effortlessly from nothingness.
I still get triggered by stuff that would trigger me before, but there is more space to look at it.

There’s the thought: every aspect of every day ordinary life is extraordinary: seeing, feeling, touching, thinking. Such mysteries when they are experienced “purely “

What is the heart? Then a bunch of ideas about what is the heart: The organ. The capacity to experience emotions. If I say open hearted to anyone, they seem to know what it is. What’s that reality behind the concept of heart? The idea that heart is always open. I just put walls around it sometime. I have the impression that this capacity to feel is happiness. Still a lot of thoughts in the way of raw feelings. It’s ok. Strong sensation in the throat that slowly goes down into the chest. Realisation that a week ago, my girlfriend suggested to ask to my heart what it wanted. I did asked. The thought:to live emotions.

Love
G

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Sun Mar 03, 2019 7:14 am

Lovely to hear that there is more space around and reactions can be seen.. sounds that you found the place of pure experiencing, that’s great.
I’d like to invite you to find out what is the heart beyond the concept.
Don’t try to figure it out mentally, but look. Put your hand over right side of the chest and feel what is there. No need to name or manipulate sensation, just honest feeling of the raw energy.
Feel into it.
Put all your attention on that energy. See the aliveness. Tell it that you love it so much.. ask if it has wisdom for you.

Write what you notice,
Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Mon Mar 04, 2019 2:17 am

Hi Ilona.
Just after reading the message,
before having started the meditation the mind is very noisy.
Will I be able to feel my heart? What is the heart going to say? How will it communicate? Will that be blissful? Will that be painful? Will it change “my” life?
Then, I had to wait few hours before I could start.
Questions are constantly popping in thinking.
Starting the inquiry. Many rounds of expectations then dropping the expectation. Have the memory of the mdma experience where the ego de solved and the heart opened. It was state of grace for a brief moment.
Takes a very long time before feeling the heart. For a long time the energy is in the throat and in the upper chest. Regularly saying I love you to that sensation. Doesn’t move. Expectations followed by dropping of expectations many times. The thought, I can’t feel my heart. Discouragement. Just after that I put my hand on my heart. Then there is a new subtle sensation lower in my chest, closer to the heart. Telling it that I love it. Do I need to feel an emotion to feel my heart?
Then, I place my left hand over my heart. Can feel the heartbeat very faintly. Then it disappears. Breathing faster to accelerate the heartbeat. It works. Can feel the heartbeat. There’s the thought: Consciousness is love. The mind is trying to understand the heart question in vain. I will try this heart experience again tomorrow. Perplexity.

Thank you for everything.
Love
Gabriel

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Mon Mar 04, 2019 8:50 pm

Hi Ilona.

Today, for the second time in five days I made an experience. I shook and let my voice made random noises for around 45 minutes to warm up. After I went even crazier, letting the energy go freely. There was gagging involved, almost purged. Then I screamed on top of my lungs for about 1 minute. I was exhausted. I sat on the ground and then lay in feotus position on the ground. Then I had a thought about the fact that when he was alive I almost never told my father, whom I love very much and past away 5 years ago, how much I love him. That initiated some crying and sobbing. There was also the thought: how I feel despaired. I cried for about 3 to 4 minutes. Then I sat on a chair and concentrated on the heart area. I could feel it. Sometimes it’s tight. It’s warm. Sometimes it expends. Sometimes, it seems to radiate. Sometimes, there is the impression that it’s outside the body. Told it that I love it many times. Then there was the thought that: no matter what we think, it’s the heart that leads.

Love.

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:19 pm

Hi Ilona.
This silence intrigue me. I hope you are alright.
Love
Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Thu Mar 07, 2019 11:46 pm

Hi Gab,
Thank you for message, I’m good. I was traveling and I’m back to Mexico for a bit. Sorry I did not reply earlier. Sometimes I read and nothing comes up, so I wait, till the reply forms itself. Your process felt like it needed some space.
It is interesting that it seems that there is an effort to feel the heart. And it’s beautiful how you worked your way to it. Heart leads. The call to connect to the heart is the longing for love.
How is seeking energy going? Still strong or dissipated? Is anything different in everyday life?

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:33 am

Hi Ilona
The seeking energy is mostly dissipated. Every thing happens so effortlessly. But it’s not all flowers and sunshine. I recently read the unfindable inquiry by Scott Kiloby and as I was telling you in a previous post I still get triggered by events. We could say in Kiloby’s words that there is still many deficient self stories running underground. Notice more and more how they are in so many of my relations. There is the feeling that those stories are seen more clearly and time and inquiries are my allies in that process. Less afraid of sadness and anger. I guess we could say that it’s an “intense“ emotional period. I would like to share an experience that happened yesterday in a Yoga nidra class I’m in.
For the last ten minutes or so of the class, and it’s the first time it happens, the teacher started singing very softly. At first I was more concentrated on my breathing. At some point I started listening to her. For a while, there was an image of her in my mind. I concentrated on it and led it dissolved. Right at that moment there was a moment of pure listening. I could feel the music in my heart. It was so beautiful. I cried. Even writing about it bring tears to my eyes. The mind is still often so busy at putting an image or an interpretation in front of the reality. It’s ok. I relaxe more. In the last few weeks I sleep around 5-6 hours per night. It’s much less than my usual 8-9 hours. It’s ok. I have plenty energy and my schedule isn’t that busy for now. Today, noticing how the sphincter is so tensed without any reason. Strange. I relaxe and breath into the sensation it automatically creates in my abdomen.
Thank you for everything.
Love

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:35 pm

Thank you for sharing
Yes, it’s not all flowers and sunshine. This is a clearing, cleaning up process and that may last for a long time. All the conditioning hasn’t been placed in a day, so the process of unconditioning requires space and patience.
Great to hear that emotions are coming to be met. The freedom is to feel all. It’s not freedom from unwanted and unwelcome, but to meet all as welcome old friends. Sadness, anger, grief, joy, delight, bliss- all are welcome. Freedom is ending the fight with what is.
When you take attitude of allowing all to move freely, contraction, expansion, everything, then there is no resistance to life.
You wrote in the opening post, that you are looking to love unconditionally. Is anything in the way of that? What is yet not accepted, allowed?

Love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 5:29 pm

Hello Ilona.
There is nothing in the way of that. I can’t find anything that is not allowed because even the resistance is allowed now. When it happens, it brings me to the presence of contraction in my body, mostly in the sphincter. I realize that when the thoughts are going mad with resistance this contraction comes. Then, there is a release of that contraction which brings me to feel my abdomen and then after a bit more time, my heart area. I enjoy writing to you because I feel my heart area quit strongly while I’m doing it.
I thank you for everything.
Love

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Sun Mar 10, 2019 1:32 pm

Beautiful, thank you for sharing. That sounds like a new and fresh way to be- allowing everything.
Are there any burning questions left?
Is the separate self, the i, gab, still there?
What else do you want to look at while we are here?

Much love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Sun Mar 10, 2019 10:59 pm

Hi Ilona.
Noticing that the use of verbs like: I want, I miss, I hope, I can’t wait, I expect, I believe, I don’t agree, have a special charge to them. They seem to create that contraction. Then that contraction brings me to the present moment. To sensation/emotions. The thought: That contraction is what we believe to be the separate self. But it’s only a contraction. It’s not separate from anything.
Noticing that most of those verbs are about something in the futur, the past or resistance to what is. Believing is different but there is also that charge. The thought: Would believing be a form of resistance to what is? The thought: Believing is the ultimate form of resistance. Feeling depressed and sad. Feeling my abdomen.

Today, I carried a very heavy backpack and I now have muscles spasms on both sides of my spine right in the middle of my back.

Is it possible not to believe in anything? Is there anything to believe in? The thought: There is nothing, there is no thing. The thought: Feel like a lier. The thought: Feels like I have been lying my whole life. Feeling a bit nauseous. It will pass. The mind is going banana, making up stories, trying to explain and trying to make sens. Images, sounds, sensations, emotions. Temporary. Feeling lighter.

There is no separate Gab. Even the thought of a separate Gab is not separate.
Thank you very much.
Love
Gab

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Mon Mar 11, 2019 1:42 pm

Beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Beliefs are a structure that was built through the years. And they say what is what and how it all works. And as long as you believe you know something, you are stuck on idea. A good way to look is that no belief is true. None. (I mean beliefs about life)

You can also look at language and see how language itself is building up,an idea of a separate self. See how we use word I to describe what is happening and how we can describe using just verbs, nothing gets lots.
Do this exercise http://markedeternal.blogspot.com/2012/05/labels.html
And see if there is i to believe anything.

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Mon Mar 11, 2019 5:32 pm

Hello Ilona.
Seeing it now. There’s no I to believe either. It seems like that idea of a separate I is a trick of the mind. The mind is quiet.
Thank you Ilona.
Much love.

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Ilona
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Ilona » Tue Mar 12, 2019 1:45 pm

Mm, sweet.
Is there anything left unclear?
Is there doubt?
Have you found what you have been looking for?

Love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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Fallawake1
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Re: I don't know anything absolutely.

Postby Fallawake1 » Tue Mar 12, 2019 4:24 pm

Every thing is clear. There’s no doubt. Fear/uncomfort/resistance are tools to show me when the belief in a separate self emerges. Believing happens, then it dissolves. There never was a separate self. What I was looking for was always there. Strong feeling I’m my chest while I’m writing that, heartbeat going faster. There’s nothing to seek for, everything is right here and now. Feeling very emotional.Tears in my eyes.
Love


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