Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Fri Nov 02, 2018 1:48 pm

Did you clearly see, that there is no „I“? That there is no seperation, only Life life-ing?
How is it in your daily life if you compare with the beginning of this process? Tell me a little bit about it.. :)

Yes I see it everyday. I see it in various aspects of my daily life but it is at his most obvious when an upset arises for me. The emotion comes up and does its thing but then instead of having an ‘i’ to attach to, it just is.. and then it isn’t. From time to time, I still experience a mild surprise that there is nothing for the emotion to attach to. The analogy that is coming up for me is of a coat peg and a coat: it’s as if all my life I had been going through the same routine of automatically hanging my coat on the same coat peg day-in day-out, and suddenly the coat peg is not there anymore but I keep trying to hang my coat on it as an automatic gesture, and when the coat lands on the floor, I just go ‘huh, no coat peg to hang my coat on anymore. Huh. Ok.’. And life just carries on.

I did have a moment of deep sadness yesterday when I realised that ‘I’ was never real in the first place. Memories of my childhood came up and I remembered the pain of feeling unloved growing up. Then I thought of the past 40 years I spent frantically trying to improve this self to make it loveable and... to now realise that it was never there in the first place?! Ah the cruel irony. But sadness arose and then went.

Another aspect of my daily life where I notice a significant difference is with the notions of ‘right or wrong’. I used to use ‘shame’ a lot to regulate my self and used the notion of ‘right or wrong’ to label the thoughts that I ‘should or shouldn’t’ have. But now that I see there is no separate ‘i’ to attach to, the concept of shame has gone kind of redundant, as as the concept of right or wrong. They still have meaning as concepts but nothing more - just thoughts coming up. Which obviously transfers to ‘others’: I used to spend a lot of time judging others as I did my self, and now that I see ‘others’ are not separate either, the ‘right and wrong’ concepts just don’t stick to them as entities either.

Gosh, these concepts all used used to feel so real, so concrete, so very critical to the ‘i’ functioning/survival! When all along they were just mainly perpetrating the illusion of an ‘i’...

Sorry if I am rambling on. I hope I have answered your questions.

With much gratitude for your guidance. 🙏🏼

barb
Posts: 768
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:05 pm

Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:23 pm

.
Wonderful :))
It's so amazing when seeing happens <3


Do you still have any questions or something to clarify? If not then I can give you the final questions. You can answer them in your own time. Then other guides read about whether there are any questions left. If they have no one, you will receive an invitation to various FB groups..After Gate there is also the possibility for further investigations, and you can always pm me...

_()_
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:29 pm

No thanks, I think I am ready for the final questions.

barb
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:43 pm

Thank you :)

Here are the questions:


1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?


Much love :)
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:22 pm

Thanks for these, I will get back to you with answers in the next couple of days.

🙏🏼

barb
Posts: 768
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:26 pm

Fine, take your time :)

_()_
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Mon Nov 05, 2018 2:24 pm

Actually sorry, I need help here please.

I am feeling quite disorientated at the moment. And confused. And distressed. I’m missing something.

My personal experience of seeing through the separate self illusion has been wonderfully quiet, gentle, pretty low key and understated.

But when i read the question ‘Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is..’, it triggers an explosion of emotions in my head and chest and the answer that erupts is: ‘the human race’s main cause of suffering - no less!!!’ I just cannot focus on my own experience of it when it feels soooo huge when thinking of other people who are going through life suffering because of the ‘self’ delusion; i think about all the people i know suffering from SELF-hatred, low SELF-esteem, etc; I am thinking of my 2 friends who killed themselves all these years ago, and people every day all over the world killing themselves because they cannot bear living with them-selves anymore, with the pain of shame and unworthiness attached to an illusory self. I think of the wars, the hatred, the damn righteousness, the intolerance, ‘i’m right therefore you are wrong’ attitudes, the fears and anger, and so many deluded destructive patterns all over society. All sprouting from the delusion that there is a separate thing called ‘self’, worth defending, worth worshipping etc.!! It’s nuts.

So on the one hand, the ‘no separate self’ realisation feels understated and on the other hand, it feels absolutely HUGE on a ‘human race’ scale!!!

What am i missing??!!

barb
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:14 pm

You are nothing missing.. This is usual on some stages.. feel the emotions, let them be here, embrace them.. and ask yourself if something ever could be other than it is.. this is life unfolding every moment.. pleasure and pain, nothing right, nothing wrong.. even in the human body is steady war.. look behind the thoughts, behind the emotions.. <3
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

barb
Posts: 768
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:05 pm

Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:20 pm

And ask yourself: „Are this thoughts true? Can i really know that they tell the truth? Can I know that it would be better if it would be other than it is?“

:)
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:50 pm

And ask yourself: „Are this thoughts true? Can i really know that they tell the truth? Can I know that it would be better if it would be other than it is?“

One thing I am 100% sure of is that things cannot be other than they are (no controller). And I’m sorry to say that in the last few days, that’s pretty much the only thing i have stayed sure about. A few days ago, to the question ‘is there a separate entity...’, I answered ‘nope, cannot find any’ but this morning my answer is: ‘i don’t know.’ I’m confused and feel like I’m pretty much back at the beginning :-(

I’m very sorry if it’s seems you have been wasting your time on me. I would understand if your guidance was needed elsewhere. Maybe I am not ready, How does one know when it’s time to give up?

barb
Posts: 768
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:05 pm

Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Wed Nov 07, 2018 1:17 pm

.
Oh, dear Selie, you never have to apologize to me :) There is no wasted time, there is no time at all, and certainly not „my“ time... and as long „Selie“ wants my guidance it would be there :)

Can you find a separate entity in seeing-hearing-sensing-smelling-tasting? Where is separation?

Try it with sounds. Pause for a few minutes and listen attentively to all the sounds that can be heard at the moment.

Where does listening happen? Watch out for distant sounds. Where is the listener now? Find out with closed eyes, if there is a border between here and there. Is it possible to define it? Are you doing the listening, or is it just happening? Is there a hearer, separated from hearing and the heard?

Is there someone who could give up something?
You've said you are 100% sure, that nothing could be other than it is, no controller.. With this insight relaxation could occur.. (unless it does not happen... :)

_()_
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Wed Nov 07, 2018 4:38 pm

Thank you for not giving up on me just yet.

Low self-esteem feelings got triggered yesterday and once again the label “loser’ found an ‘i’ to attach to. All morning I have been trying to look behind the ‘feeling such a loser’ thoughts and every time I find... a loser ‘i’. On the one hand I know it’s just a thought but on the other hand it feel very real (very aggressive) and attached to an ‘i’ entity.

To your question ‘can you find an entity in seeing-hearing etc.’, the same stupid answer comes up ‘yep, I can find a loser’. Stuck in a loop. Was I fooling myself a few days ago when I could not find an ‘i’? Obviously..

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Thu Nov 08, 2018 2:33 pm

1) is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is the illusion of one for sure. And I know I am much much much more than that. But denying it altogether I cannot do right now. Can’t do ‘annihilation’ of something that I have believed was ‘me’ for so long. I know it’s not real but I don’t think I am ready to let go of it... it’s too big a shock to the system... Could I just cohabitate with it for a while...? :-/

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Selie
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Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby Selie » Thu Nov 08, 2018 2:34 pm

... Like with an imaginary friend?

barb
Posts: 768
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:05 pm

Re: Tired of being a Don Quixote fighting windmills

Postby barb » Fri Nov 09, 2018 12:12 pm

<3

I sent you a PM :)
Looking —> Seeing....Seeing —> Freedom


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