I am so close

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:19 am

Ilona,

There is definitely a gap between observer and observed and...it is trying to close.

I say the gap is trying to close because the illusory I is VERY afraid. It feels like the observer could disappear, and all sorts of feelings and thoughts arise. Nausea is present. The notion of going insane arises. It seems like it is so final that I am not my body, mind, thoughts, actions, beliefs, wishes, hopes, dreams, affinities, aversions, or anything else that can be perceived.

I am nowhere but I see everything.

Thoughts arise saying "can this REALLY be true?" "Am I mentally ill?"

There is pressure in my head.

It just has to happen. The fear that arises from the seeing that I "don't exist" feels like horror. I'm not freaking out or anything, just expressing what the mind is doing with this seeing. As the gap gets closer to closing, the fear intensifies and there is this strong desire not to merge. Because, obviously, I go away.

I've realized that all of these years that I supposedly accepted the fact that I didn't exist, I never really accepted it. I accepted it in theory. There was still the background fear of...whatever. And as this moment gets closer and closer, it is becoming real. The fear is facing the fact that I don't exist. Seeing it makes facing it not an option.

All paths have converged to this moment. How does one accept this? Especially since no one is present to do the accepting. What accepts no-self? Who is having to "give himself up?" Once again, it all comes down to seeing clearly, and it will happen when it happens. That's all it's ever been about...seeing clearly.

How does acceptance and the final seeing occur? I'm about to find out.

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:32 am

This is quite disorienting.

Any step into the mind is met with a retraction back into "what is".

There is a lot of pressure in my face.

The mind is trying to doubt everything. It is trying to say that "this cannot be it."

Unknowing seems to be what is left.

I'm being left with my true nature.

There is a sense of self that is trying to have a say in what is going on. It is all being watched from the stillness and silence.

It feels like there is a lump in my throat. Breathing is shallow. Everything wants to contract.

I can't jump into the future, or use tactics from the past to make sense of what is going on. I can't get out.

I'm not panicking, although it seems like I could panic if I let the mind get a hold of what is going on for any length of time. Again, it is very unnerving, but I guess it is so unnerving because it seems so unmistakably real. The mind wants to question whether I'm really seeing properly, or if the mind is just concocting more stories.

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Ilona
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Re: I am so close

Postby Ilona » Mon Dec 12, 2016 12:12 pm

Now we are getting real!
the fear that comes up is only trying to protect, look behind it, what is there that needs protection?
I say the gap is trying to close because the illusory I is VERY afraid.
there is no gap and there never was a gap, there never was an I that can be afraid. that i is an illusion. how can an imagined entity be afraid? can batman be afraid? or it's all a story about an entity that experiences fear?
focus on sensation, forget the story. is there a feeler of sensation or just sensation?
All paths have converged to this moment. How does one accept this? Especially since no one is present to do the accepting.
give up trying to accept. this moment does not require anyone to accept it, it is already here. accept or resist, makes no difference. so instead of trying to surrender, give up trying. then simply look- there never was a you as a separate entity. none as in zero. nothing changes, nothing dies, it's only a matter of noticing what already is.

there is no self, is it true in experience? look, don't think about it. just look till you see!

sending love.
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Tue Dec 13, 2016 1:21 pm

I made it ;)

I came to the realization that whatever is perceived is "known", and that all experience is made up of this knowing. The I that knows all of experience, including the experience of the body/mind, is not located anywhere but is made up of "knowing."

"What is" "knows" all of experience, is experience itself, and yet is completely free of it. The notion of a separate self has given way to the experience of "knowing" the body/mind in the same way that all of experience is known. The experience of a separate self is made of the same "knowing" that the "knowing" of a cotton ball is made of. Experience is made of consciousness, and yet does not stick to anything.

This realization dissolved one of my last lingering unresolved objections--that consciousness could be a product of the brain. Basically, I realized that there are no objects (including physical locations in the brain where consciousness could be created) in existence because that would mean that something would be separate from consciousness. I experience no such separation in direct experience. To be aware of a coke bottle is to "know" the experience of a coke bottle, and that which knows is consciousness, and consciousness can only be aware of itself.

Consciousness can have no limits because only consciousness could contain it.

This realization was deeper several hours ago, and is starting to let up a bit, but I definitely got it. I saw clearly. What I saw clearly was that there was no separation between myself and experience. That everything (sensations, thoughts, perceptions) was the same as that which was aware of it, and that I am safe everywhere because what I am cannot be touched or located or disturbed. What I truly am is eternally at peace and will remain this way forever.

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Re: I am so close

Postby Ilona » Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:35 am

Beautiful!
How seeing this affect your daily life? What changes do you notice? What hasn't changed?
Give me a report from the past few days

Much love
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:05 pm

When I sit by myself I can't be fooled anymore to believe in the existence of a separate self. All of the usual markers of an illusory separate self are "objects" in the same way that the computer screen is an object. That is, it is being witnessed without an observer. I'm not behind the eyes. Consciousness appears to be located in a finite place because the "objects" of the body/mind "are close to me" so to speak. That is the whole reason why the illusion can persist, because of the "closeness" of the "objects" of the body/mind.

I can't really be fooled when I'm around others anymore also, but there is obviously a lot of conditioning that still hasn't fallen away, but naturally will. Not everything will, of course, but all of the irrelevant things that make life unnecessarily difficult haha. That's why I am really enjoying time when I am alone, because I can more powerfully see clearly. I see the "objects" of the separate self as clearly now as I see the computer screen. It is very special when I see so clearly through elements of the separate self that seemed quite difficult to see through just a few weeks ago.

The game is up. Now it's just about letting the seeing percolate slowly throughout to the point where seeing becomes clearer in every situation and context. In other words, now is the stage where conditioning based on the belief in a separate self will fall away and the seeing will become my new guidance. The best part about it is that I don't have to try to do it haha.

Absolutely nothing in my direct experience has changed one iota. Everything is exactly as it was. The only thing that has changed is that now I have clear seeing. It can't even be said that there were "spots" on my "glasses" inhibiting the seeing. There were no spots there to be wiped off.

The spots on the glasses were imagined. They were thought into existence. It's like I got an A on a test, and I said to myself "did I really get an A?" So I ask the teacher. She says yes, I got an A. I say "but, did I really get an A?" I see it on my transcript that I got an A. I say "but, did I really get an A?" Ten years pass since I graduated, and I ask "did I really get an A?" Until one day I realize, I "remember" that I never didn't have the A. I just thought the doubt of it into existence. Reality was the same independent of my lack of clear seeing that I already had an A.

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:16 pm

And I don't have any feeling of jumping up for joy, shouting from a rooftop, or screaming hallelujah! haha. I feel like Frodo Baggins from Lord of the Rings who just got home from an arduous, crushing, awe-inspiring, tedious, depressing, exciting, defeating, triumphant journey who just arrived back at home and wants to rest. Time to collect the mail, have a cup of tea, do some reading, and wait, silently and contentedly, for whatever happens next ;)

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Ilona
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Re: I am so close

Postby Ilona » Fri Dec 16, 2016 8:39 am

Delightful to read your words. Settle in in and see what happens. :)
You say that you can be fooled any,ore when you sit by yourself.mhlw about in social situations? Are there other separate selves roaming around? How do you see that now?
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Sun Dec 18, 2016 10:27 am

When I engage with others I see them as being hypnotized, like they're under a spell. Because I now know exactly what that spell is like. Through several social encounters over the last few days I've seen how "my own separate self" can no longer hypnotize me into relating to people from the position of a separate self.

In the past I would have my sense of a separate self in the forefront when in any social interaction, and I see that this is how everyone is relating to me, and I just can't be fooled into relating to others from the position of a separate self. It's crystal clear to me what authentic expression is, and that's how I am relating to people. There's not a lot of narrative going on in the mind when I'm talking to people, because I'm not hypnotized anymore, so there's no use for it. I see the separate self arise, I notice it, and then it falls back away.

Fear responses have come up at times that make me contract into a separate self again in certain social situations, but I'm not hypnotized into thinking "why do I still have a separate self?" "I must DO something about this." Most of the time when the fear response is coming up and I get "hypnotized" into behaving as if a separate self is present, it goes away pretty fast, and I start relating authentically.

Just because Batman is talking to me and telling me to do stuff while I'm talking with someone else, doesn't mean that I am Batman or that I can confuse myself with Batman. Batman starts talking, I notice that Batman is talking, and that's that. Batman tends to just stop talking at that point.

I can see what authentic expression is for me clearly now. Like, crystal clear. I notice tons of times in conversation where I would have responded a certain way because of being hypnotized in believing that a separate self was present, and just don't respond that way. I see clearly that the response I would have given would have been given on behalf of a separate self that I know is not present, and so I don't respond that way, and instead, I respond effortlessly and spontaneously. And I enjoy the interaction sooooo much more :)

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Ilona
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Re: I am so close

Postby Ilona » Sun Dec 18, 2016 9:24 pm

That was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing.
Would you say you found what you were looking for on this forum?
Truth realized will set you free.
http://ilonaciunaite.com/book

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tsconner
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Re: I am so close

Postby tsconner » Sun Dec 18, 2016 10:27 pm

Absolutely.


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