Desperate to see! Can you help me?

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Jillian1
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:18 am

The thought comes: "I'm going to go type." Then the body moves, following instructions? In dreams there is no delay between thoughts and the activities of those thoughts. In life there is a mysterious delay. Many thoughts don't happen because other thoughts arise to shift action in another direction.

I see when the separation was cemented, not when it began, but when it was pushed to the bone. I was 11. I was given psychedelics and raped by my stepfather. About 30 years later I remembered and I went into intensive therapy. I relived the experience over and over. But I didn't believe it had actually happened or that any of it was real until I tracked down the man who did it to me. He wept and apologized.

But I still hadn't healed.

Now the sensations and feelings in my body I have resisted flood me. I sob. Yes, I understand how the heart is opening to let all that has been resisted come in. So much has been resisted. Now I'm being eaten alive by it all.

You did a good job John. I was made of stone.

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s-p-a-c-e
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Sun Jan 31, 2016 1:24 pm

Who wouldn't build a castle wall for protection after what happened. Now the fictional walls are 'crumbling', an open heart will guide you, feeling what needs to be felt, loving when love is needed, forgiving when forgiveness is called for. There is a big warm heart there. <3
Your last question really stung. Not only do I get to disappear--but without even a sound, with no trace at all. I never existed. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
You have seen the irony that this 'self' never existed in the first place. But as a mirage, it did an impressive job all those years. Hats off.

So, here we are. We take a deep breath and let out a big sigh. Something has shifted, and we ain't in Kansas anymore.

The suggestion is to spend the day outside of the head :) and to dedicate the day to enjoying the little things of life. Walking, seeing, the act of making a drink, the taste of lunch, savouring a breath, savouring light, savouring being here, and for all its ups and downs, savouring the journey that has led to here, and this presence.

But most of all, bringing out that deep appreciation for life in small everyday acts.

A smile is precious.

Also, feel free to share as you wish here whatever shows up.

Much love,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Jillian1
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:12 pm

Dear John,

Thank you for your soothing words here.

Last night I read your story in the archives. Now I am inspired to tell you my story about love.

As an infant you could have put a demon or an angel in front of me and there would have been no judgement. Pain made me cry, pleasure made me smile. But these were not my stories. The world was mystery and wonder and its most familiar inhabitants were the luminous creatures I later called my parents. I was blessed with a mother who recognized this world of luminosity. It wouldn't have mattered if I had become the unabomber. She would not have forgotten our connection. My father had a different path.

My father chained himself to trees to save the forest. He went to jail demonstrating against nuclear missiles. He gave shelter to the homeless and spent most of his time as an activist for human rights. He was a beautiful writer and poet. When I was a child he carried me on his shoulders, made me laugh with entertaining faces, taught me how to chew every bite completely before I swallowed. My father also started sexually abusing me at the age of 3. He would sneak me into drive-in horror movies and X-rated movies. He didn't fondle me directly. He helped boys closer to my age to do that. Mostly my father didn't hide what he was doing. He believed he was teaching me things. He thought it was love.

To me All of it WAS love. And that part of me never forgot this. My mother divorced my father when I was 7 and hooked up with the man who I called my stepfather. Missing my real father, I clung to my stepfather desperately, as if he could somehow save me from my life. Later when I remembered the rape with my stepfather, I dragged my real father into therapy with me. He didn't like therapy and we parted. But in his last years we reunited. He had become paralyzed. His bones were crumbling in his body. He needed 24/7 care. At first I found a good nursing home. He didn't like it. He was in agony. I took him into my home. He was still in agony. He begged me to kill him. He begged everyone who came to the house to kill him. Physician assisted suicide was illegal. No one would help. At the time I was also taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer's. One night after months of little sleep, changing diapers through the night, I tried to overdose my father on morphine. He would wake up and throw tantrums every time I left the room. He wanted me by his bed at all times. The morphine didn't work. It brought more pain instead. The next day when the nurses arrived I told them I had given him too much in my panic to help both of us get some sleep. They changed his medications and he slipped into a coma. I cared for him in a coma for a week. His face grimaced in the moments before he died--in my arms.

Three months later on Thanksgiving morning, he returned to me in a dream. He took me flying over beautiful terrains. He showed me his joy and his freedom. I knew he had made it, and that I was forgiven, and that he was thankful. But for years I couldn't rest--thinking I had killed him. Several weeks before he died, in one of our last clear moments together he asked me to write our story. I promised him I would. The promise haunted me until I did it. Begging for forgiveness I fasted for 40 days in which I wrote a 750 first page draft chronicling our relationship. Last night I saw the story and became angry over what I had believed he put me through.....what it took to free him.....what it took to free myself! This morning I am grateful.

You asked if the meditator dropped would it make a noise. It is trying. It sings about the saint and the way she lovingly cared for her parents. And it equally screams and writhes demonically in the story of being victimized. I now understand what goes into making a terrorist. It will go to great heights of expansion and depths of contraction. It will go to heaven and hell--anything to protect its illusion.

But only silence loves all the noise.

* * *

Physical sensations throw up into the brain and cause distortions in the flow of thoughts; I now call these feelings "believing."

This morning I went for a walk. I SAW a tree. It put another crack in my already broken heart.

In this moment knowing what love is--I love you John.

I will spend the rest of the day as you advised.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Sun Jan 31, 2016 11:42 pm

Thank you for sharing the story. It hardly seems enough to say that, but there it is.
Am so pleased to hear you SAW a tree. They are something else.

Yes, just thought it would be worth taking the foot off the pedal, and having some rest before setting off again. :)

Give me a nudge when you're ready - and share what's showing up.

With much love,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:52 am

Hi John,

Your advise was well taken. It was a relaxing day. Things almost seem back to normal?

Some observations:
Sometimes it is clear nobody is running the show. Yet things are being done.
The body is more relaxed. Digestion functions better.
There is more awareness of hunger and fullness, and more fulfillment with eating.
Less stressful thinking about food, sleep, exercise, health.
Less attachment to the body as an image, more awareness of sensations and feelings--and as a result a stronger sense of merging with the atmosphere and surroundings.
Overall less getting caught up in seeking, avoiding, and compulsiveness.
Lovely quiet moments happen in the midst of everything going on.
The silence feels like a heavy blanket covering, saturating, and comforting.

Not feeling compelled to do formal sitting, pranayama, or yoga, and interestingly not doing them, and not stressed about that. I wonder if those activities will return?

I was expecting spaciousness like I had in meditation. Instead I'm experiencing almost the opposite--a kind of pressure from this palpable silence and stillness.

There is more, but it's not coming forth.

Lots of goodbyes and wonder. I know there is an infinity of sloughing, emerging, discovering. I'm ready for whatever comes next. Yes, please, let's continue....

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Mon Feb 01, 2016 1:17 pm

Lovely to read your post. These are all good indications of a significant shift, and we move on. Many of the experiences are felt - to begin with - quite starkly, standing in contrast to the old perception - but it shifts too, and there's no knowing where to or when. :) Like a magical mystery tour! :D

"Lots of goodbyes and wonder" - a most beautiful summary. :)

It reminds me sometimes of sailing a small boat, wanting to go somewhere and always fighting the wind. And then, we start to go with the wind and end up in a place we had never imagined.

Next time you're out walking amongst natural surroundings, stop and have a play with this...

There's often a sense in looking, that we're looking outwards, that the direction of looking is from the eyes outwards to the world, say looking towards and AT a tree.

But really the eyes are lovely receivers of light, so light is coming the other way, towards us, being received by the eyes.

Stand and have that sense of receiving light. There is no need to tense or look, only to relax and receive light.

And to imagine that the light is passing straight through the body, as if transparent, through the other side.

Continue for as long as feels good to do so. Then take a nice deep breath, and breath out with good sigh.

And share any discoveries.

Best wishes,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:12 pm

Something remarkable! Seeing is happening EVERYWHERE. There is no longer a seer. There is an experience of looking out. But this has little to do with seeing. The looking out is an experience of wonder.

The seeing was being used as an act of separation. Without the image of the body, there is no sense of where the body begins and ends. Sensations occur. The butt against the chair produces a sensation, however without the images of butt and chair, there is no experience of these things being separate and coming in contact with each other. There is just continuous waves of sensations being experienced--no inside, no outside. Sounds outside erupt in the body. But without the images of an outside world there is no separation. The experience of being a seer was a total mind fuck!

So now that this is notably gone at times, the sense of separation also goes. There are a lot of thoughts flowing around here. They belong to no one. Sometimes THEY create a sense of ME. I AM BEING THOUGHT!

Where fear had been there is now a sense of something coming into alignment, or coming home.

The reference for me is gone at times. Nothing dramatic. More like a flat line. Yet there is recognition that emotional complexes (belonging to no-one or everyone) remain to be sorted out.

Your exercise in seeing couldn't have come at a more perfect moment! Enthusiasm abounds at the thought of playing with it on today's walk. It sounds so funny now saying "I" and "you".

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:36 pm

Something remarkable! Seeing is happening EVERYWHERE. There is no longer a seer. There is an experience of looking out. But this has little to do with seeing. The looking out is an experience of wonder.
:) yep.
The seeing was being used as an act of separation. Without the image of the body, there is no sense of where the body begins and ends. Sensations occur. The butt against the chair produces a sensation, however without the images of butt and chair, there is no experience of these things being separate and coming in contact with each other. There is just continuous waves of sensations being experienced--no inside, no outside. Sounds outside erupt in the body. But without the images of an outside world there is no separation. The experience of being a seer was a total mind fuck!
yep.
So now that this is notably gone at times, the sense of separation also goes. There are a lot of thoughts flowing around here. They belong to no one. Sometimes THEY create a sense of ME. I AM BEING THOUGHT!

Where fear had been there is now a sense of something coming into alignment, or coming home.
Lovely!
The reference for me is gone at times. Nothing dramatic. More like a flat line. Yet there is recognition that emotional complexes (belonging to no-one or everyone) remain to be sorted out.
And some will, and some will just fade away.
Your exercise in seeing couldn't have come at a more perfect moment! Enthusiasm abounds at the thought of playing with it on today's walk. It sounds so funny now saying "I" and "you".
Cool. :)

And we move on...

Share what's occurring as and when.

Much love,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:26 pm

Communed with the tree again. It's BLOSSOMING! So ecstatic! I wept and wept.

There is this thing in my head and chest climaxing, an energy as if it is about to orgasm.

Thoughts were spilling all over the road: "I'm enlightened--hooray!" Followed by grasping. "If I'm enlightened, I can't know I'm enlightened because the experience of the enlightenment is simply a direct experience, nothing more. So this thought of enlightenment is actually standing outside the experience.....Do thoughts stand outside experience?"

And then the thoughts became the experience. Experiencing thoughts--Hmmmm! This is direct experience of understanding. There's nobody there to "understand" the words. No need to understand. The words are simply a transmutation of energy. Now they are being experienced instead of "understood," experienced instead of "thought." Because those things were just part of the illusion. Understanding isn't real!

This rhythm, this back and forth happening in the head! And then the pull out into understanding, rationalizing, pretending to escape the experience because the sensations of this rocking are so fucking intense!

"Oh, fear because of history with sexual abuse! I'm recreating it....yada, yada, yada. pretending to escape through understanding again. But now there is direct experience of the pretending and escaping too.

Direct experience is happening all over the place! There are still pockets, these pockets are like nerves that have been asleep or numb and are waking up.

The energy is quit manic now, chaotic, yet there is trust. There is an opening to it. EVERYTHING is waking up.

People pass by. And so does the thought: "They are enlightened, they just aren't noticing."

No longer understanding, or conceptualizing, or trying to figure out. I am the verb.

This is all weird to say because I have no understanding of it. No reference point. Words are being experienced directly, how the stream of words feel. I don't understand. I'm feeling the understanding spilling whatever words come. Does that make sense?

Everything is feeling. Images come in full of feeling. The feelings come in, the feelings go out.

What's next?

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:28 pm

And to imagine that the light is passing straight through the body, as if transparent, through the other side.
Haven't felt this one yet....love the idea. Working on it.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:53 pm

The words are simply a transmutation of energy.
Hahaha! Interesting. I meant transmission, not transmutation.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:06 am

All very good stuff. :)
The energy is quit manic now, chaotic, yet there is trust. There is an opening to it. EVERYTHING is waking up.
...
No longer understanding, or conceptualizing, or trying to figure out. I am the verb.

This is all weird to say because I have no understanding of it. No reference point. Words are being experienced directly, how the stream of words feel. I don't understand. I'm feeling the understanding spilling whatever words come. Does that make sense?

Everything is feeling. Images come in full of feeling. The feelings come in, the feelings go out.
There really are no words for this. Often best to let it sweep through - to ride the experience. Savour it.
Its only natural to want to hold on to certain aspects, to throw out a net of understanding etc, etc - but as is evident - this is indefinable life. There'll be a settling, but the doors have been flung open, and life takes a new turn. :)

Share the response comes up with this:

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Thank you,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:08 am

No.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:11 am

No.
I admire the brevity. :D

Next up:

Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.


Thanks,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:32 am

Great question! Mind is in a tangle! Following is what I have so far. But since you asked for a description in detail....perhaps more time is needed to feel into it?

Part of it was an attempt to comfort an overloaded nervous system. It started happening for me at a young age. The illusion of existing separately and being in control was a way of toning down the experience of life. I could escape into the empty space of "me."


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