Desperate to see! Can you help me?

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s-p-a-c-e
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 12:55 am

I am a girl who is completely lost. There is nowhere to hang on, no real way to define myself. It's all just going so fast, the thoughts constantly cancelling themselves out. I go to meditation to calm down, to feel good. I take refuge in the stillness of my body, no matter how much it hurts from sitting for such long periods without moving. The stillness is my anchor. It's my refuge. I cling to it like a drowning woman clings to a buoy.
That's good stuff - much appreciated!

The pretence, the fraud, is all seen clearly and felt. Now, what we then tend to do is judge and punish. Hate ourselves. So, this is key. Because when that happens, when we take on these PERCEPTIONS as real and true, of course we judge and punish. Then we try and escape these perceptions by - as you say - taking refuge. But really, we are running away from home.

This is the pivot on which opening the heart turns.

We open the heart wide and love ourselves WHATEVER we see. We love ourselves in the FACE of all these perceptions because we HAVE TO LOVE, there is no choice. Otherwise, we are slaves to such conditioned perceptions, and there is no freedom there.

Now, why are we doing all this and not just launching into Direct Looking? :)

Because only when we are inclusive, open and OK with such perceptions (as self, pretence, fraud) can we see them without all the emotional baggage. We are able to see them more CLEANLY. We see how we have - in the past - MAINTAINED these perceptions and all the energy and time that took.

And we give up, and it gives up.

Whether you surrender, or the pretence surrenders doesn't matter.

You are out of that game.

The pretence moves from truth to fiction. We still see it. But now, it is a curious folly.

We wonder - who am I? - but need no answer from mind/thought. The heart beats, we smile, a knowing arises, we smile again.

We are here, we are home. At peace, with nothing to run away from. Free, with nothing to believe as truth.

Again, sit with and absorb as and when. See whatever heaviness is here, and don't push it away. All is welcome to the party. Life is ever-inclusive. All is welcome.

Share when it comes.

Much love,
John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:42 am

HOW I SEE MYSELF

I see myself as beautiful, courageous, and talented, but also as someone who truly doesn't get it, someone who can't see herself because she's so busy judging and comparing.

I see myself as someone who's fallen, fallen in many ways. Fallen toward old age, fallen in love with herself and through herself into a love of the cosmos, fallen into sickness, fallen into the messiness of loss, pain, and unresolved emotions, fallen into the constant flow of life, fallen into various viscosities of that flow, and even into whirlpools and very sticky and seemingly solidified mud puddles.

I see someone who's fallen, who's main talent is falling. I fall into people, places, things. I take on new identities in new territories on new subject matters. I am everyone I meet talking through me. I am love and rage all mixed up.

I see myself as human--2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, a nose, a mouth--someone who got older on the outside but never grew up. I still marvel at existence itself. The existence of anything--a telephone cord, my hand, the sense of smell. Is any of it real?

I see myself as someone who cries a lot--weeps even, someone who feels anger and fear get stuck in her gut. Someone who likes to appear loving, who likes to please people, who likes to be liked, who smiles a lot. I see myself as all the people I have ever known and more. I see myself as no one. I see myself as a fraud.

I see myself as someone who doesn't know how to read the internal messages--sensations, experiences, feelings. Someone who can't make sense of the words in her own head. Someone who listens for too long without speaking. Someone who gets stuck in the listening.

And at other times she gets stuck in the speaking.

I see myself as tired. Extremely exhausted actually.

see myself as a conglomeration of sensations, thoughts, feelings (all impersonal) passing through. I'm a collection of places, people, things.

I see myself as someone who prays a lot, meditates a lot, begs the universe for forgiveness on behalf of herself and the rest of humanity. Yet she still kills ants.

I see myself as someone who has fallen and keeps on falling.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:46 am

What a beautiful one you are. :) Thank you! /John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:48 am

Hi John, I just received your post after I posted my last post. Strange. Anyway that last post wasn't in response to your last post as it appears to be. I love what you wrote and I'm going to go sit with it now and see what comes.

Thank you.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:50 am

Tis' all good. Sleep well. :)

/John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:51 am

Ah, it happened again! I see, we are now on page 2.

Thanks for appreciating me.

Until soon....

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:53 am

And again! Hehehe. It's actually early where I am, but sweet dreams to you dear one.

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s-p-a-c-e
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 1:59 am

Still up. :) Where are you based?
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 2:00 am

Hawaii

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s-p-a-c-e
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 2:03 am

Hawaii
Gosh :) LOL

I'm in North Wales. - so we got a good axis going - hahaha
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U

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Jillian1
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 2:10 am

Yes!..."a good axis" This made me smile and compelled me to look up the word axis (even though I thought I already knew what it meant). The first definition I got was "an imaginary line about which a body rotates"...Wow, hehehe, I'm feeling it!

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 2:59 am

North Wales! And we are talking about the UK right? Not Pennsylvania?

Now I have a cyber crush based simply on a name, location, and a few posts you made in response to my churnings, yearnings, and flurries of...I don't know what.....I'm not even going to go near your blog! I want to keep this about me, not you!

Maybe a crush is not so good for truth seeking, because now I have the desire to impress you? I always develop crushes on teachers, mentors, friends--actually just about everybody now that I think about it. I thought I would be safe on the internet where I don't get to actually see the other person, or hear the voice? Alas! Crushes are the best distractions, aren't they?

On second thought, I might look at your blog.....

But first I'm going to finish taking in the last wonderful post you sent me, and watch how it moves inside.

Good morning John Christopher.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 5:26 am

Again, sit with and absorb as and when. See whatever heaviness is here, and don't push it away. All is welcome to the party. Life is ever-inclusive. All is welcome.

Share when it comes.
The heaviness that is here definitely has to do with sex, desire, and childhood traumas. It has to do with the need to show up in certain ways and not show up in other ways. It has to do with judgement.

Sometimes I see through the pretense of good and bad, pleasure and pain. When the judgements fall away I can see things as they are--no more, no less. And yes, I would say that at these times my heart is truly open--accepting of everything. But "emotional baggage" along with the judgements always returns. Why does it all return?

Judgements run deep in my experience. Can a human really see to the core of it? It seems one would be searching in bone marrow. I recognize it is the judgements that cloud the seeing. I do see that much. So are we simply talking about a vigilant practice of questioning each judgement as it arises until we see through it? Because I've got a good 25 years of doing that behind me already and the table still hasn't turned in a permanent way. I still get caught up in judging.

I see through pain. I see through pleasure. And I still play allegros of pain and pleasure. I see through fear and still play allegros of fear. And my allegros are full of chaos and incongruous notes.

Of course I'm looking for a better way to play my allegros. And when I'm not looking for a better way, I'm not experiencing judgement. So I understand THIS shift in perception--the shift between judging and not judging.

But what happens when it feels like life turns me upside down? Well then those core judgements (the ones in my marrow) start coming out with such velocity that there isn't time to question or notice anything except the fact that I am stuck in judgement again for however long it will last.

So what do I do? As soon as I can get a breather I start at the top, which is the present moment, whatever is arising NOW, and I say "Here I am wanting out." I just acknowledge that first layer, that most superficial layer free from judgement. And then the next thing underlying that arises and I do the same thing (acknowledge the next layer without judgement) and like this moment by moment I work my way down, and as the moments collect, I notice that the mechanism that is acknowledging and embracing each moment is in fact the part that is free of judgement, and so I sink into that freedom more and more.

At first this takes great effort because it has to do with shifting directions. But as I gain momentum moving in the direction of release it gets easier. However, my life doesn't seem to be charted in one direction. I go one way for awhile, then the other, with my perceptions shifting back and forth and back and forth. I get hard and soft, hard and soft, knotted and unwound over and over again. I think that you are talking about a permanent shift.....so about that I have no clue what you are talking about.....and I would really like to know!

I'm tired! And I don't like effort.....And now I'm finding I did have a hidden expectation about this whole liberation thing. I thought it would make my path easier.

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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby Jillian1 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 6:03 am

See whatever heaviness is here, and don't push it away.
After rereading my last post I thought there must be something that I was avoiding. So I went to bed and I waited and waited and went through every story, sensation, and emotion I could think of. I kept thinking I must be avoiding something, pushing something away. If I am pushing something away I don't know what it is. Maybe the thing I'm avoiding is that there really isn't any heaviness? I'm just pretending that there is?

I seriously can't find anything but lightness.

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s-p-a-c-e
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Re: Desperate to see! Can you help me?

Postby s-p-a-c-e » Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:58 am

North Wales! And we are talking about the UK right? Not Pennsylvania?
Yes, UK. Back to business - haha.

Laters,

John
"The more he looked inside, the more Piglet wasn't there." - A.A.Milne

Author, The Faun's Apprentice - see on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fauns-Apprenti ... B01AR2B63U


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